Is this abusive?

[ElectraInExcelsis]

I've been seeing a man that I met on online dating. I stopped seeing him for a while because he kept pressuring me. Lately he said that I have to send him a specific photo of myself to 'prove' my feelings for him and he described it as a 'test'. This is not normal is it?

Yes, Cogito. As I'm getting older I'm finding it easier to say no to people but I'm still nowhere near as assertive as I should be.

I think we all know that the 'specific photo' he wanted was probably sexually coercive. Would you recognise the behaviour again? Was the coercion bad enough to cross into sexual abuse?

Assertiveness takes time, application and practise. :) Not just in dating but in all other walks of life. It certainly does get easier as you get older. IME at least, once you stop caring so much what others think and once you stop believing the misogynistic crap that you have to be kind to everyone regardless, it's very liberating

Good for you for not doing as he said. Ypu know that photo would have been used as a threat for ever more, don't you

I see no problem with sharing photos in an established relationship where is history, 100% trust and both parties have just as much to lose if it goes pearshaped....but this was summink else entirely

I have a feeling your measure of "sexually coercive" will be waaaay out of whack

I'm very glad you got away from this man at an early stage. Please don't go back to him, no matter how nicey-nice he suddenly becomes.

He knows that I have a rule about not sending anyone photos of that nature. If he discovers something I don't want to do he becomes hell bent on trying to force or pressure me into it.

Can you describe how the 'he'll bent' process went? He wants something... you say no.... how does that get any further? Do you keep talking to him? Does he show up at your home?

Well I was referring to when I was seeing him before. If I said I didn't like something or was not prepared to do something, he would latch on to it and almost become obsessed with trying to make me change my mind.

Ugh

If you're trying to work on your self esteem, boundary-setting and assertiveness it's important, I think, to look back at times when you needed those skills and work out how it could have gone better.

Thanks Cogito. I will trying writing down some examples - I have plenty!

Abusive people are often persistent. They don't care about others, don't respect their boundaries and will do whatever it takes to get what they want. That's why I was asking what happened when he wanted to change your mind. Was there any kind of pattern.... was there a reason you gave second chances..... why is he still in contact.... how would you get shot of a similar creep more quickly another time?

Run fast and block

Block. Definitely.

Yes that's a very accurate description of him Cogito. Persistent and totally unconcerned about my well being.

Unfortunately I would say that every relationship I've ever had, except one, my partner was abusive in some way.