Employer attempted suicide... not sure what to do.

[Freakingthefeckout]

Please excuse me if any of this sounds callous, I'm trying to be practical and not get emotional until I have some time to myself.

I've worked for a lady on and off as a nanny for her small children, started when they were babies and they re school age now. I don't officially work for her anymore but I'm always at her house when she needs me, which is quite a lot. She has no close family and not many friends who aren't busy with their own children so I've become like a surrogate aunt to her children.

This year was a tough year for her, her husband was diagnosed with cancer and subsequently took a big back seat with the chilldcare. She had to give up her business and sell her equipment to a competitor. Her elderly father has been difficult for a while and makes a lot of demands on her time, and the children are going through a difficult phase. To top all of this off, I'm less available now because i have a new job and I'm freelancing with another and i have less time to give her. I also live very far away.

I arrived at the house to bri ng the children to the cinema like we had planned a while ago and was told she tried to commit suicide and is being held in a psychiatric ward for the time being. That's all ive been told. I took the kids out for the day to give their dad some peace and I'm staying here. He asked me to stay for a few days. I was supposed to go home tomorrow for Christmas. I don't know what to tell my family or how long they need me here.

Practically, I'm not sure what to do. Can anyone advise me on this please?

You sound wonderful, picking up the pieces for them and always being there.

If I were you I would contact their family and nail down arrangements for them to go and spend Christmas with them.

I suspect the family members that they have are not aware of how helpless these people are and imo they need to step in. I think the parents probably see you are their go to girl since you have always been available for them, and have not really apprised others of their needs.

They may also need advice about wills and guardianship of the children and they need family support, and possibly SS support going forward (it's possible they will get this due to the mother's attempted suicide). Are you 'in' enough with the dad to urge him to contact a solicitor to make a will if he hasn't already, and to think about guardianship of the children/whether the mother is likely to be OK and capable of full time parenting on her own once she recovers/what role the relatives are going to play?

What a tragic situation for those children. I do think you should contact McMillan nurses to see if there is any help they can offer as they will be quite used to parents with cancer finding it very tough to cope with children. You can, and probably will, stay a few more days but this is not a quick fix situation and a long term solution has to be found. The dad will probably be sick for a long time to come and the mum is definitely going to be unwell and unable to cope for a significant time. This basically leaves the children without a carer. As no other relatives are coming forward to help then you really only have two options A) you return to the family and work tirelessly to care for the children, but you will have to be paid for it, or B) call social services. They will have to provide support of some kind, this may, sadly, be temporary foster care but there may be other options but dad will have to contact them.
What a desperately painful, scary time for those young children. Thank god they have you in their lives still.

Can I remind all of those saying just leave and tell them to call social services that it is Christmas!
Even if it were not, what happened to human kindness - reduced to telling people to call the social!
I am horrified and depressed in equal measures.
OP Thank goodness you are there.
Do what you feel you can. I hope I would.

Arthritic fingers nobody is saying just leave them and call social services. Most OPs have advised that she does all she can for the family but to also care for her own family/needs too. Yes, it's Christmas but after the 'big day' on the 25th what happens then? The family will be in exactly the same crisis as it is in now which is why SS may need to be consulted to provided long term care for these poor children. It's partly why social services exist, to provide care during times of crisis. There is nothing to be horrified or depressed about other than the tragedy of the situation itself. Sometimes life is brutally hard and tough decisions and choices have to be made. We are not being unkind in the advice we have given. It's a very difficult situation for all those involved and sadly, finding solutions is not always easy.

OP you sound lovely and the children are lucky to have you at this difficult time.

I do think though that you need to draw some boundaries and make it clear what you are able to do now. You have professional obligations to other people now (I presume you need to go back to your new job after Xmas) and you have personal obligations to your dad. I suspect that the fact that you are there lets these other relatives off the hook a bit. What would they have done if you were not there?

In your position I would do as much as I could in the next couple of days, but stick to my Xmas plans. I would also make clear that any support given after Xmas is on a paid employee basis and is subject to commitments you've already made to others. Otherwise I can see you getting sucked in to doing more, when really other people should be stepping up.

I think math makes a good point - relatives/friends may not be aware of quite how bad the situation is. If this is the case they need to know so perhaps, OP, you could encourage Dad to speak to them, unless there is a reason why family shouldn't be involved.

I think op's offer to take the kids with her for xmas is a good one and very generous; but apparently relatives have said they will take them. so there are relatives around. the op can also speak to ss and find out what support the family is getting/alert them if dad is too sick to do so.

I have had fantastic nannies and carers who i consider friends as well and they have stepped in in times of crisis but I have always always paid them for this. the op has her own family and own job so has to set her boundaries.

there has to be a longer term plan.

Agree cestlavie

It could be there is an element of the mum and dad relying on the OP (understandably in the circs) so not thinking of other options or just not easing to bother other people . That is not a criticism of them, btw, obviousness they have had their mind on other things.

Just to say again wear a kind and lovely person you are, helping them out in this way.

Stupid autocorrect.. I'm sure you get the gist though.

It's not heartless to call social services! It's exactly what they're there for, to help children and families in need. Either the mother should be assigned a mental health SW or the children should be put on the CHIN register and assigned a SW. Plus contacting Macmillan is a great idea, and maybe surestart (if they still exist where they are).

I admire you greatly for everything you're doing for this family but please be mindful of your boundaries, this is not your responsibility to fix.

Chances of them getting any help from SS is slim, people assume they just dish out help but sadly they do not, mental health services are also pretty poor, chances are she will be home very soon and that is when she will need more support.

Do what you can to help but make sure you are not being used by their father so he doesn't have to do anything, he is their father and even if he is unwell he should try and support them emotionally. Make sure everything is in place for the dc's to have a normal (ish) christmas, they are probably old enough to know what's going on so they are probably upset and confused they have obviously been through a lot already with their father being ill with cancer, support them as much as you can and talk to them about how they are feeling. My dh's mum took her own life when he was a child, no one spoke to him about it and it has effected him badly, make sure the dc's know they can talk to you and encourage their father to talk to them about how they are feeling.

This thread has really struck a nerve with me - not in a bad way I hasten to add but because I was in a similar situation as a child.

If you could update at some OP that would be lovely but I appreciate you have other priorities at the moment.

I wish people wouldn't make sweeping statements like 'social services wouldn't do anything anyway' - you don't know that. Two young children, a mother who is suicidal, a father who is too ill to look after them and no friends and family; depending on the area and resources there should be a response.

And the person who described 'calling the social' as malicious or whatever it was can just go suck a lemon.

exactly ehric - in this case the family is entitled to outside help which comes via ss; who can access support for the family, including short term if it's needed. it's not about child protection its about support. if relatives don't step up then there is emergency foster care if dad is too sick to care day to day; otoh if dad is financially able he can simply employ that help. it is his choice as the current responsible carer and legal guardian.

however, specialist professional support for the children would be advisable as dealing with sick dad and suicidal mum is a heck of a lot to deal with - they need to reach out to charities etc. who can support them. macmillan, hospice, young carers etc. the op is doing good job in helping them out but medium or short term she also has other commitments and cant give up her new job unless she will get paid...

Maybe people are saying 'ss won't do anything' because they have been in a similar situation? It isn't easy to get help, 'yes' they are entitled to help but that doesn't always mean they will get it. I hope in this case they do get the help they need, they are going to need help for quite a while

Maybe but they haven't been in this situation so it's foolish to say they won't be helped. They won't know what is available until they ask.

Dear OP,
do what you feel you want to do rather than feeling you are in a position where you have to do something to save the whole situation. Being there for people you care about means looking after your own needs as well and ensuring that you don't end up resentful or feeling you are the only one who is holding the fort. It's a difficult position given your status as ex employee but also as someone who is clearly very close all the family. You also sound as if your own family may want/need you over the Xmas period.

If Dad is having chemo, there may be help via Macmillan nurse at his hospital and also talk to the hospital where the DCs mum as well as letting a relative know so that they can organise themselves. Give your contact details and tell them what you are able to do short-term/medium term/long-term. It may well be that this week will be v difficult for any SS help to sorted out so what you offer sounds fab. But be aware that MH issues are not easy for some people to cope with so maybe the wider family don't want to face things and the whole situation may create some odd fallout.
Be clear about your boundaries - along the lines of put your own oxygen mask on and then help others - and be open to praise for all your fantastic support so far while firmly dismissing any blame that may be directed at you. You definitely deserve

Give all your contact details if that feels right for you. You

Dropping in for a quick update.

Apparently mum is coming home tomorrow, the children have been told. A friend has sorted out the Christmas presents so I've just been on normality work, bathing and feeding and building lego with the kids. Then we watched a film and we're in bed now, I'm waiting for them to drop off.

They've been following me around like little ducklings today, they can tell somethings off. I'm going to be a bit blunt in saying their dad isn't too hands on, and this was before he got sick. I had to do a gig today and got back to them at half two, they'd had no lunch and they hadn't had a bath since last week. They did have relatives up to help before i got there but they were more of a hindrance than a help. (Dad's words.)

I expect I'll be sent home on Wednesday, and I'll be worried sick until i can get back to them. Their mother has said multiple times that I'm her rock and she doesn't kniw what she'd do without me, and i don't want to leave her to cope with all of this alone over the holidays.

I'm sorry to say, I think you're lovely but you're over invested in this family. Be there for the children but being her rock? You have to maintain your own life.

Thank you for updating OP. I can imagine you are feeling a bit overwhelmed by all of this. Glad to hear family are not oblivious and have been pitching in.

Sorry to say I am not suprised to hear that Dad is not very hands on. Obviously I know he is ill and limited in what he can do but he really needs to step up here (emotionally if not physically) because those children need him. It's not on if he's expecting everyone else to dash round sorting things for him leaving the children neglected in the process.

I wonder what has been going in that house. Poor, poor woman. She must have been in utter despair.

I might be way off the mark here but I'm guessing she doesn't have much support apart from you. My worry is she will be expected to take up where she left off, and that can't happen as she is very unwell herself.

Perhaps you could start looking at sorting some support for her?

Just in case you aren't hearing it enough you are a wonderful, kind person. You will be making such a difference to those children right now (from one who has been in their position, many years ago)

I'm reading between the lines here but I think OP is being (has been?) relied upon so much by this poor woman because she has literally no other support - which is a matter for concern.

That is absolutely not OP's problem to solve though, you are right about that.

OP you are lovely.
That is all.

Sad to say, overinvested is probably right but i literally cannot think of anyone else who could offer them the kind of help they need right now. Grandfather is very elderly and demanding in himself, the only relatives on the dad's side live hours away and weren't much help when they were here, mum's sibling lives in another country and they don't get along anyway, and all the friends have small children and it's nearly Christmas. The children need to feel secure in their own home with someone who cares about them and can cope with them, and at the moment that's just me. My family have been informed of the situation and are fine with me being gone over the holidays if needs be, and aside from that what constitutes my own life is petty nonsense (Netflix in my PJs can wait).

Thank you all for the words of support, I've not had any other outlet for all this and it's really keeping me going.

Thank you OP, for helping this poor family over Christmas. It sounds like you're acting on your instincts anyway (which are good) but just need someone to talk to (us) whilst you throw most of your personal resources into the mix.

Children don't forget their nannies. It's being able to give of ourselves that gives our lives meaning. I think the posters encouraging you to look after yourself are perhaps hopefully worried that another adult within thus situation will over stretch themselves. X x

Do keep us updated, please.

I think short term you should do what you plan, but long term this situation cannot continue. There is obviously an extremely unhealthy dynamic going on in that house - a distant father and a mother who has tried to take her own life - with respect op I'm sure you aren't qualified or able to take that on and 'fix' it. And again with the utmost respect, if you keep being 'the rock' then you're actually enabling the situation to continue.

I don't mean to be harsh, you sound like a wonderful person - but you know things can't go on like this, right?