Although I'm divorced now, I am just finally able to look back on our "perfect" marriage, and to help me move forward I want some wisdom on whether or not I was unknowingly in a bad marriage.
After marrying, we moved abroad for his work and he knew people there because he had lived there years before. He joined various clubs and activities with his old friends but I was always home with our two young children. He probably went out 3 - 4 nights a week after work. Not drinking or at the pub, but on various activities so I was left alone a lot. Gym on Monday, Tennis on Wednesday etc and there was always beers afterwards so he got home at midnight.
If there was a works night out or one of his friends had a party or a dinner, he'd generally go on his own and I'd stay with the kids. He always offered to skip it, but I said it was fine and didn't want him to miss out. One of our kids had special needs and babysitting was hard.
Because of the age of the kids and one having special needs, I could not work or easily go to things during the day.
He never invited people over to our house. He knew people, and had work colleagues and they had wives too, but he didn't invite them over. I would try and suggest having dinner parties or whatever so I could get to know people, but he would always put it off.
He wouldn't give me passwords for his accounts for things, like his email or his Facebook and he never showed me our bank statements or gave me financial transparency and after he left me I found out we were in quite bad debt. I didn't demand any of those things, but looking back find it a bit off that he seemed to be a little secretive with them.
We only had the one car, and he said it was too expensive to insure me on it (it was an expensive and powerful car and I'd only recently learned to drive) and we also could not afford a second car, so I spent 3 years living in a foreign place with no public transport, two young kids and no friends or family which was really isolating.
At the same time as telling me he was really worried about money and could not afford things like insuring me on the car or visiting my family, he seemed to spent crazy money on silly things - like holidays as birthday gifts for his parents.
We agreed to have three children, and I had always wanted a girl, but after two children he just announced we weren't having any more and wouldn't discuss it. He just said that he was sorry he had made up his mind.
I know writing all of the above makes it sound like a terrible marriage, but on a day to day basis he was kind, loving, gentle and let me make the day to day decisions regarding the running of the house or the care of the children and he always consulted me on most big decisions and we decided as partners (except the children choice). He did all the things good husbands are meant to do; was affectionate, supportive, a good Dad, helpful around the house, always home on time, reliable, told me I was gorgeous all the time, brought me flowers and it was generally just a very happy loving home. He seemed, if anything, to be about the most romantic and devoted husband you could probably imagine so I sort of felt very loved and appreciated and seemed to be oblivious to the big picture.
After a few years of living like that though, I got quite down, very lonely (sometimes weeks would go by where he was the only adult I spoke to!) and got depression. I changed after that and stopped looking after myself, I was frequently crying, I was really down and just felt lost and barely went out of the house.
He would come home a lot to find me crying and still in my dressing gown and I talked to him and told him I was unhappy and very lonely a few times. When I did that he listened patiently, told me he loved me very much and we'd get through it. Sometimes he asked if I had my period or if I wanted him to look after the kids to I could go out or go away for the weekend, but I don't think he understood I had nowhere to go and no one to go with.
I remember just thinking it was normal with very young kids to be at home a lot and didn't really realise that he was not helping. I found it quite hard to get angry at him because if I did he would cry and tell me he couldn't live without me.
Then after I was depressed for about six months, he left me, he just told me that my depression had made me unbearable to be around, that I had changed, become boring, lost my sparkle and that my "negativity" was making him feel depressed himself and he no longer loved me. He'd never even mentioned before any of it and had always told me he'd stick by me through it, so it was really difficult to accept.
I am struggling still over piecing together all of this because I am an intuitive and intelligent woman, and yet for whatever reason I didn't stick up for myself in my marriage (or worse, I didn't even notice anything was out of order) and I actually believed he was the perfect husband.
I was wondering really whether or not it is my own fault for not being more clear about what my expectations were? I came from an abusive childhood and this was my first experience living with a man and I didn't really know what was normal.
I can't help just feeling so worthless, even after all this time and I am scared to get attached to someone else. I am stronger, and much more independent and would never let myself "lose" my own life and needs and wants to cater to someone else;s again but deep down I am scared that if anyone really gets to know me that they will stop loving me just like he did.
I feel like if I was with someone I'd have to pretend to be perfect and happy all the time and never get down or lost or ill to stop them from leaving. It's been over two years since the end and I just want to feel like I am good enough.