Am I over-thinking things? Or is instinct always right?

[wonderingstar01]

I'm not really sure if DPs behaviour this week has opened my eyes to his real personality or whether things are just getting on top of me.

Due to an accident, I've had severe back problems for more than a year now and this weekend we were supposed to be travelling 4 hours each way to visit DPs adult DD in order to give her a xmas present. I haven't been able to put any weight down on my leg for 4 days without suffering real bad spasms which render me completely immobile.

All week DP has been making comments about me "putting it on", "not wanting to go there anyway" etc. even telling my 13 yo DD that "he'd put money on it that I wouldn't go this weekend". He's treated my problem with complete oblivion and I've been putting on a face telling him I'd leave it to the last minute to decide if I could travel or not. The best of it is if this was a trip I'd organised to go away with friends, he'd have been telling me all week that I was stupid to go, that I'd mess up my Xmas, that I should get as much rest as possible etc.

Yesterday he came back from work to tell me he'd booked me a chiropractor appointment so I duly went. He gave me acupuncture and said I had an inflamed nerve at the base of my spine which should get better within a few days but that I should avoid vacuuming (easy), shopping and sitting for long periods. Now given that we were travelling 4 hours, staying in a hotel and planning to go Xmas shopping, I told DP it was insane for me to even try going and that he should go alone. The fact I can't walk played the biggest part!!

He's sulked all week but went alone on the basis his DD has commitments (a horse) so it was unfair to expect her to travel to us. He isn't going to give her a present as such, just money which could have been wired. My DD is away with friends - although she did say I should call her anytime if I wanted her home and she would ask her friends mum to bring her back. I've felt really low today, not just with the physical pain but being here on my own. I don't want to involve any of my friends as I feel that would be weak and I don't have any family apart from DD.

DP and I are planning to get married next year but this week has put a spotlight on his selfish and controlling behaviour. I hadn't noticed before that he always has some "better" way of doing everything - why do I make a dish this way, why not have a bath later in the evening, why watch a movie I've seen before, why, why, why …… not do it his way. He's also making my back problem all about him - how it's affecting his life, how we can't do anything together, how he can't plan anything, how he was really looking forward to this weekend.

He's been on the phone 3 times to say how guilty he feels about leaving me here on my own but he still went. Really, that's only part of the problem. He's detected in my voice that I'm not happy and the truth of it is that I've cried most of the day but am not sure if that's because I'm feeling really sorry for myself. I just want to tell him to fuck off but don't have the strength to do it.

What? This whole thing is weird. How old is his DD, and why does her BF hate your DP? To the extent that you have to stay in a hotel when you visit?

Thanks for all the comments, most were constructive and very helpful.

Regarding his visit to his DD. He arranged to visit her between Xmas and New Year and I told him as she doesn't get a gift from anyone else in her life, I would feel better if she had something to open on Xmas day so I suggested we go prior to Xmas PLUS make arrangements to meet her half-way over the Xmas period. He wasn't fussed either way so we booked the hotel and were both looking forward to the visit - treating his DD, shopping, going to look at her new business.

I was happy he went as I was pleased to see the back of him after the week I'd had. I wish he would visit her more often on his own but he won't unless I agree to go with him. I've always been an independent, single mum juggling a career with bringing up my DD and don't see anything wrong with him having some independence when it comes to his relationship with his own DD.

It is a real problem to him when I want to do something on my own. I think it's important to have some interests and friendships outside of your main relationship. But it's always an issue for him - even doing something with my DD on my own or making arrangements to see friends. He is really insecure and I'm the opposite. I've always travelled extensively for work on my own, I've always made my own decisions after considering the facts. Not that I don't welcome his opinions or respect his thoughts. I do. But it seems to be getting more and more that I'm being forced into a dependency on him and I don't like it.

Regarding the treatment for my back. I've been to my GP (useless), I've been to a private osteopath (useless), I've been seeing a physiotherapist since February (can only provide advice on managing the pain not on dealing with the cause), I've paid for a private MRI as GP wouldn't refer me. Results came back clear. I've gone privately to have botox injected into the base of my spine (caused me to become incontinent until it wore off - not pleasant!). I've two stone in weight hopping this would alleviate the problem. If I lose any more, I'll look skeletal. I haven't just been sitting around doing nothing as the pain causes me a great deal of distress and frustration. Going to the chiropractor was DPs idea and it seems to have worked slightly in that I can at least now put my foot down on the ground. What I don't need is for him, or anyone, to preach to me that my back problems are minor, are inconvenient or can be "easily managed".

How can some people say that I could have made the journey with a decent cushion and plenty stops??? I couldn't even stand up. I'm not like this all the time, mostly I just get on with daily life despite the pain as I'm so conditioned to it. The pain is worse on some days than others. Sometimes I can spend the whole day walking - with the help of pain-killers. I know it's not the ideal situation but it's the situation I'm in and not of my own making. Even the dog has had to learn to cross his legs when I can't walk him!

DP constantly goes on about how I'm his main priority, how he only wants to look after me, how he considers my feelings before he makes any decisions, how he'd never compromise me. But he's setting the bar so high he can't even meet it himself. I'm not complaining about that as they are unrealistic and unnecessary expectations to set himself but he preaches them all the time, then lets himself down again and again and again.

DDs BF is a no-hoper with parents to match. He doesn't like my DP because he makes no bones about the fact he is disappointed in her choice and that she deserves better. BF works part-time in, let's call it horticulture. He runs his business from home. Hence why we a) wouldn't and b) aren't welcome to stay at the house.

I have to say your DP sounds suffocating. You're not meant to go anywhere on your own, even staying in your own house?! Per-lease. To the extent where he objects to you having alone time with your own dd, that's just odd.

Is that the same reason he's been phoning you so frequently, to make the point that he wouldn't have left you on your own (so don't go getting any ideas that this could be a regular thing)?

I couldn't be doing with it at all, nor the 'my way is better' remarks and the making your illness all about him.

What most struck me was that you didn't involve friends as that "would be weak" which is sad because friends are those we should be able to let our guard down with & to ask for help.
It seems yr DP thinks you are unwilling to visit his DD - perhaps partly because you are often encouraging him to go alone which may give the impression you do not care for her.
You say you are feeling low - is that because you don't like to be alone? I don't much like it either but have to put up with it a lot! :)

His daughter will not receive a gift from anyone else in her life other than your DP? Not even her boyfriend?

I do not know what to make of your latest post as in many ways it paints a different picture to the first. I cannot tell who is being most unreasonable - you or your DP though I garner both of you are. One thing I can clearly see is that you think there is something very wrong with the relationship and the negatives about your DP are looming large in your mind. Perhaps you are simply fed up with him. The decision on what to do about this situation is yours really and you are better placed to make a choice. If you are looking for MNetters to validate your decision to leave, then I am sure you will find many who will tell you "go ahead". Some might tell you to work it out. However, you do not need anyone to validate your choice. If you think this relationship is not right for you, then leave.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you are in so much pain.

I don't see a bad person here. Not you. Not your DP. I see two people with different ideas about what a relationship means. Some people want a relationship with a fair amount of independence from each other; some people want a relationship where they do everything together. Both right, just different styles. It's only an issue when you have two people together who believe differently. For all the times you feel frustrated and smothered, there's a time when he feels rejected and hurt. I don't know if there's a compromise, but it has to start with you both accepting each others point of view as perfectly valid, and trying to sort out how you can make it work.

On the controlling over little things like bath times and so on, me and DP are both a bit like this. By the time you are an adult and worked out what way you think it's 'best' to do things, it can be hard to see that another person has their own version of what's 'best'. There is no real 'best'. We agree to disagree on things and just get on with it all our own way. We cannot both cook at the same time though or it's murder!