How can I stop EX's nastiness hurting me so much.

[Doesitgetbetter]

We have a DD together but broke up before she was born.

I have done everything in my power to encourage a close relationship between the 2 of them. He has seen her almost every day (at my house) since she was born, other than when he has chosen to go away to stay with friends which could be up to a week at a time.

I even had his dad stay with me for a week when he visited from abroad so he could spend time with his granddaughter.

Ex basically hates me and thinks I am the worlds worst person. Nothing is ever his fault, ever - in his eyes he is perfect and I am shit. He accuses me of trying to keep him away from DD if I dare to ask him not to visit for one day, which coincided with the night before having to endure one of his verbal outbursts towards me. He accuses me of all sorts and when I question him on it he denies it all and said I'm twisting things and I'm nuts. I can't talk to him or have a normal conversation about it because he gets irate.

He is really affecting my wellbeing.

DD is 11 months so I have an entire lifetime of dealing with his verbal abuse. How can I let it stop bothering me? Is there anything else I can do to put boundaries in place?

"Legal back up would definitely help, is there anything else I can do even if it's little sayings to tell myself every time I feel myself caving?"

"He's not on the birth-certificate because he couldn't be arsed."

"He doesn't pay any child-maintenance because he can't be arsed."

"He just wants to be an intruder in YOUR HOME to upset you. it has nothing whatsoever to do with wanting to be a proper father to the child he pretends to care so much about"

"He's just going to be another Disney Dad and no more"

"To hell with him and what he wants."

And that's just for starters.

OP, sent you a PM.

What on earth? Every day - why bother splitting up? Alas this is the problem the man thinks he can do as he pleases as you have indicated he can you need to take control. End the relationship and agree formal contact advise him to use a mediator to set up the arrangements. Do it now whilst the child is young and things can be clear.

If there is a risk your ex could take your child abroad, you can minimise this by getting her a passport, so that he cannot.

He couldnt be bothered to turn up to get his name on BC, yet you say he turns up at your house nearly every day to see her?

I wouldnt worry too much about him going to the trouble of getting your dd a passport, tbh.

Hi OP, I am so sorry this vile man is behaving in this way and you must stop it now in a safe way. Is he physically abusive or aggressive or violent? Because he sounds abusive by words.

Yes, it is called Gaslighting en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gaslighting
He is being vile and making life terrible and convincing you, or trying to, that you are to blame. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME.

You said ... is there anything else I can do even if it's little sayings to tell myself every time I feel myself caving?

Tell yourself 'This is for me and this is for my daughter'. When you fly by plane they say to you if the plane starts to lose pressure you put on your oxygen mask before you help your child. That is because if you pass out (or cave in) you cannot help you or your child. So you must stay strong for you and for your child.

Mentally think to yourself 'I won't cave in because I am worth so much more than this and so is my child.'

If he is not paying any maintenance he is not father of the year. You have woken up after months asleep. Stretch and get up and off you go, making plans for your future for you and your child and each time you feel the need to cave in mentally stretch and get on with being a strong woman.

I agree with BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted they have put it much better than I could.

I also agree with AliceinWinterWonderland. I think if you must have contact then a safe, neutral public place is best. I also think spending time in a soft play place might end up being quite boring for him and he may eventually not be so bothered about contact so often. This may sound harsh but to me it sounds like he gets more out of being rude and abusive to you than seeing his daughter.

No you do not need to endure this forever, you can stop allowing him into your home on such a regular basis. You can ensure when you are together that he speaks civilly to you. If he is rude I would ignore him. If he is aggressive or abusive I would report him to the police for harassment.

And agree with Twinklebells totally when they say If he is abusive and she is in danger it will need to be a contact centre.

You said He will fight and fight this and accuse me of being 'evil'. I suggest you make a note of as many of the horrible things he has said and when that happened, (if you can remember). Plus any record of what has happened, whether he has been aggressive either physically or verbally, when he has fed her any inappropriate food or done anything not suitable.

I would seek some legal advice. I would not ever let this man take my child abroad.

Please visit this website and download the relevant pdf.

www.gov.uk/government/publications/international-parental-child-abduction

Agree with Honey, speak to Women's Aid.

www.womensaid.org.uk/

I do think you should go down a formal route for setting out contact.

Next time you do have to see him, in a neutral place, do you you think it might help you to have a good friend who could be with you?

Just someone who can be there when you next speak, for your support.

I think you need legal advice. If he's not on the BC and there is no 'paper trail' then does he even have rights as the child's father? I would assume that he would not be able to get a passport as there is nothing to prove DD is his child?

This may or may not be in your favour. On one hand, it would mean that you don't have to allow him anything as far as DD is concerned. On the other, it means no maintenance payments. Only you can decide which is more important to you.

I'm not sure how true this is but it occurred to me that if it does go to court, he could well use the fact that he sees her every day as proof of their bond and that you letting him see her every day is proof of your trust in him so he can't possibly need supervised access.

I really would knock the every day thing on the head, visits outside your home only, and start that diary asap, going back as far as you can remember.

Start texting/emailing only, say your phone is broken and doesn't ring in/out if necessary.

You don't have to be in the birth certificate to be libel for maintenance payments, AcrossthePond. They can request a DNA test if he denies paternity.

I'd be minded to just not answer the bloody door to him the next time he calls round. Make him contact you to ASK FOR a visit. You choose when and where, if that's what you want. If you don't, tell him him to sod off and find some other woman to demean and harass in her own home, because you've chosen to not fill that role for him any longer. You're too busy being a proper parent to your child. You know, the kind who feeds clothes and puts a roof over its head. He does none of those, so fuck him.

I realize that LadyS. I was just mentioning it in case it is to OP's advantage for the father have no legal ties to the child (unless he chose to pursue it, of course). It would allow OP to allow or restrict access, make all decisions for the child, or move to Timbuktu if she chooses. To move to have paternity formally established and get access & maintenance orders could open her up to a world of manipulations or punitive actions by the father.

A friend of mine sought support from her DS's father who then demanded access. She was stopped (by the father) from taking her DS to Disney because their orders said 'parent may not remove child from the state without other parent's permission' and he refused permission. Her DS missed important family occasions because the father refused to swap days just to be an arse. He demanded 'his time' and then didn't show up, leaving the child upset. She wanted to move to another state to be nearer her family, again he refused consent for her to take the child.

She says in retrospect, she wishes she'd never pursued support.

Clarification; He demanded access when he had never been interested in the child before.

Poor kid.

It was really terrible. She finally ended up just defying the court order and moving when he was around 14.

You need to get him out of your house from now.

He is establishing a substantial contact situation and a will claim a bond with his child which he is likely to use should he apply to the courts. He will also say you have had no issues because YOU are allowing him into your home every single day for contact.

You also need to ring CSA (or whatever they call themselves these days) on Monday. Child support will be backdated from the date you contact them. It will take a while to set up, but it removes you from dealing with financial issues. This is in your child's best interests.He can kick and scream all he likes but he will have to deal with them, not you.

Presents do not take the place of regular child support because once again he is controlling the situation where he decides what she gets and when.

I know it will be easier said than done, but you need to move on with your life. I suspect that he needs to come to your home to control, harrass and stalk you. Perhaps he genuinely does want to see your child, but I think the novelty will wear off when he has to start dealing with child care issues himself away from your home. Time will tell.

Good luck.

Whereisegg said I'm not sure how true this is but it occurred to me that if it does go to court, he could well use the fact that he sees her every day as proof of their bond and that you letting him see her every day is proof of your trust in him so he can't possibly need supervised access.

Can I ask Doesitgetbetter why you 'allow' him to see your daughter every day? Is it because you think he is a trusted person to be around her and do you see a bond between them? I am just wanting to say that my guess is you have allowed this because he has badgered you into it. He has either bullied or coerced you into letting him into the house on this daily basis. I think you need to record this somewhere, email, text, journal, that this is how you feel and make it clear so if there is ever any question of why this happened, then you can defend your actions.

I would also make a note of all incidents where you feel he is not safe to be around her unsupervised. If he is ever going to argue there is a bond, I would look to see now (while he does not know you are watching closely) if this really is the case. The fact he spends so much time being horrible to you suggests to me that the main focus of his visits is to express his thoughts negatively about you rather than to build a bond with his daughter. This could be wrong but if he ever were to argue there is a bond based on frequency of visit you need to be able to say what you have observed. Of course you will not be unbiased as you have expressed your deep dislike of him (and of course I can see why) but for the sake of your daughter be sure you can defend your position and observe now while you can how things are between them. Does he talk to her, meet her gaze, play with her etc. Is he always checking his phone, popping outside for a cigarette or worse still smoking in front of her (assuming he smokes). Just things for you to know and note not things I am asking you to tell me!

Are u in uk? If u are then u can persue child support whether hes on bc or not. I know cos my ex isnt on the bc but ive put in a claim. If he denies parentage then theyll order a DNA, the cost of which he will have to pay if hes found to be the dad. And child support does not anything to do with contact x