Relationship with DH death of a grandparent

[YellowFern]

I just had a meltdown about plans for my grans funeral.

My gran was incredibly close to me and my siblings. We grew up with her and my mum. I am executor and power of attorney along with one of many brothers. I am the only girl and my mum is in ill health, so I have done about 70% of the funeral arrangements. This is despite the fact that I am only just back at work after an operation.

My DH has a very responsible job and is self employed. He has had man flu on thur and fri and took 2 days off. He has felt poorly no doubt, but was well enough on fri to meet a client for coffee and walk the dog, for example. This has pushed some urgent deadline related work onto Monday morning. Funeral day.

When DH said to me in a stressed out tone about ideally needing to pop into work for an hour or so on Monday, I completely lost it. This leaves me getting two older daughters and myself ready, plus thinking about the dog, meeting the caterers, loading up car setting up the hall ( from 11.30). The hall is 30 mins away, as is dh's work. This would leave me with having to drive my mum and dc instead of DH. Or DH would have to do 2 hrs driving in total and put in time at work, and somehow be there to help at the church. All by lunchtime.

DH pointed out that I haven't told him that much about the arrangements and therefore he didn't know what there would be to do on the day. I think he feels resentful of being asked to watch the children with my sil last weekend whilst visiting family discussed arrangements in another room.

I feel upset that it wasn't a no brainer for him to be with us all day to give emotional and practical support. I admit I haven't given him a blow by blow account of everything as I've been utterly swamped by it all.

DH and I are feeling quite distant from each other, rather than close, since the death. I think DH feels that I'm shutting him out, but in reality I am just too swamped by all the arrangements and so exhausted that I am going to bed at 9pm ( still recovering from my Op, too). This means that DH and I have little time to talk and we are both under pressure in different ways. I don't feel I even have time to process my own grief.

I feel sad that there is this distance between us, and feel DH resents the stressed out sometimes mono syllabic person that I sometimes am being right now as I just try to cope.

I'm also trying to organise Xmas day online, inbetween the funeral arrangements. Yet I'm obv unreasonable to let the cracks show by being the least but tetchy.

I have a sibling staying over Xmas who would normally stay at my grans, so that might cause more tension between DH and me.

Any advice?

Cogito, I think probably controlling is a harsh term. On reflection, it's more about being the organised matriarch type figure, which often feels like you have to project manage. Once siblings have agreed a role/ job, they are totally deciding on how to approach it. Eg music for the funeral- don't know whats been chosen.

Sorry, xpost.

I promise you cogito, I really don't enjoy my current wider family role. At all. I like doing it for my immediate family to a point ( DH and dc ) as I am a home maker type. But I really resent doing it for more extended family and how i always have to host and always feel like I have to compensate for my mum.

Yes cogito, I will have to delegate more. But I think I worry that if I delegate then I will seem too controlling and in charge. So I just see what needs doing and do it. Then feel resentful. I even resent that it's seem as my job in the first place, to delegate, iykwim.

Anyway, this thread has given me food for thought re relationship management, that's for sure!
Thanks. Esp to cogito x

Hi yellow as regards to cogs posts it may possibly seem harsh but she is right. I used to be a huge control freak, the ill do it because at least know it will be done right.

I would moan about others not helping but struggle to let others in and help. It's a vicious circle and exhausting, I came to realise that I was living in chaos with huge things always happening, I also realised that the common denominator in the midst of this was me.

This issue for you won't change unless you do, others will pick up the slack but you have to let them, even if they don't deal with it with the urgency you do it's their way so let them do it.

It's hard and takes practice to let go the reigns, but your mother also has allowed you to reverse the roles, she needs to accept her role back and you need to give it back to her. People don't learn how to do things unless they are given a chance too.

The thing is guilty, my role is the product of a very dysfunctional childhood in which I had to assume high level of responsibility from an early age- including feeling like a second parent to a much younger db in my teens ( mum chaotic single parent). It's not just of me deciding not to be bossy. My brothers are emotionally more damaged than me, for various reasons related to our childhood and would not visit my mum for more than 5 minutes. So I feel this massive sense of duty to keep it all together regarding family gatherings and provide a venue for the dc to come together.

I think my problem is not about being controlling, because that implies that it's somehow about wanting things to be done to a certain standard/ in a certain way. It's more about duty, guilt and feeling excessively responsible for everyone. If I gave my mum the reigns 'back' and left her to host, my brothers would never visit for more than half an hour. Guaranteed. That makes more feel pressured, massively.

'Control' is a broad term and not necessarily pejorative. As you say, it comes from a place of feeling you have to take responsibility, in loco parentis, doing the right things, keeping traditions that our feel you missed out on. Those are not bad things and people like you are at the heart of a lot of happy families and communities.

However, no matter how strong or organised you are, if you are spread too thin, take on too much, don't ask for help and don't parcel the work out to others, it doesn't take much extra and you go under. Leaving those around you scratching their heads wondering why you've cracked.

It's not weakness to admit you can't cope

Thanks cogito, I am reflecting on what you have said. I am not like this at work, or with my friends. Very happy to let others organise. It's only with family. My brother has a theory that we revert back to childhood roles.

DH and I have argued again. He makes me fume. Today we were discussing the funeral and he wanted to ask about certain details. But he can't resist using judgemental language like 'not been kept in the loop' rather than simply asking a question. Then I react and it's my fault for being argumentative!