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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Great start to the morning....

51 replies

MsFriend · 20/12/2014 09:19

I have no had enough of my Partner and his behaviour. He is rude to me most of the time and we argue so badly it is starting to have an effect on our 3 yr old. She is becoming very sensitive. Last night by partner and I sat down and agreed we needed to start working together to bring out family back together.

This morning and already he has shouted at me. I am absolutely boiling in rage. If I could hit him right in the face I would... Instead I wrote him this:
You couldn't even get through one morning without being rude and start shouting at me. We spoke about this last night. I can no longer see a way for us to move forward and I refuse to subject our children to anymore of this behaviour. I warned you about this and for some reason you are incapable of putting our children before yourself. I don't have anything left to say to you so please do not talk to me. If you want to communicate you can write to me here. You have pushed me too far this time.

OP posts:

HollyJollyXmas · 20/12/2014 11:06

Can you get a free half hour with a solciitor asap? Youre in a precarious position re: money and the house. That 15k...ouch.

BUT...better to get advice asap with regard to your position and have some idea of whats what.

Whats happening for Christmas? This sounds like such a stressful situation for you and your DD. Can you get away for a few days to clear your head? Any family nearby?

Original poster

MsFriend · 20/12/2014 11:07

His job is very stressful. He comes home and says he wants down time but can't because of the kids. He has an office we just built ready for him to dress with furniture. That would be his man cave. Has he done it? No. He doesn't help himself. I do everything with the kids.. He might bath them on a sat and sun but only because he wants too. He was always a bit like this but in small doses. I could handle that and laugh it off. Now it is everyday and I am mentally drained by it. I look in the mirror and wonder who I am because his constant put downs just make me feel so low. I don't remember myself.

OP posts:

LumpySpacedPrincess · 20/12/2014 11:12

That Vera text is vile, what a twat.

You really do need legal advice love.

Rioux abusers often start off as "lovely blokes".

The fact that he is dangling a ring over you, calling you a spoilt little girl shows he has very little respect for you.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 20/12/2014 11:12

If you can prove that you've put fifteen grand into the house, then you will have established that you have an interest in the property. The existence of an engagement ring will also be extremely compelling.

DO NOT be persuaded that you will have to leave this relationship with nothing but the clothes on your backs.

"If you are not a joint owner of the property you may still be able to claim an interest in the property if you can show you have contributed to the property in other ways. For example, by paying for improvements to the property, or if you paid the deposit or part of the purchase price. Or if you are paying money towards the mortgage repayments."

www.compactlaw.co.uk/free-legal-information/relationships-family-law/unmarried-couples.html

Fuck him and the horse he rode in on!

HellKitty · 20/12/2014 11:16

Go look for Vera now! The price should cover a flat deposit and possibly first months rent.

He is a total fucking dick and to use your three year old is disgusting. Solicitor Monday.

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 20/12/2014 11:20

YY to finding Vera whilst he is out and using it/her to fund your escape.

Fuck him!

Original poster

MsFriend · 20/12/2014 11:25

The ring is £7500 I know we have until 5th jan to get a full refund. I'm going to try and find it now

OP posts:

LittleDonkeyLeftie · 20/12/2014 11:29

He did text you "Vera"so obviously that's what you thought he meant - for you to use it to piss off

kaykayred · 20/12/2014 11:32

MsFriend -

Engagement rings are considered gifts - AFTER they have been offered.

I don't want you to get into trouble for fraud or theft because you return a ring which doesn't yet belong to you.

It would make more sense to tell him your life and happiness is worth more than the price of one tacky engagement ring (I'm sure it's beautiful but you get my drift), so he is more than welcome to return it, since you have no intention of ever having any ring of his on your finger.

kaykayred · 20/12/2014 11:33

It's disgusting he would even go there in his brain.

What, so he bought you something expensive, so he now OWNS you, regardless of what you want? He hasn't even bloody given it to you yet!!!

What a total c*nt.

NameChange30 · 20/12/2014 11:53

I disagree with kaykayred, I think you should find the ring, return it, take the money and run.
He can't prove he hadn't given it to you yet.
You paid £15k towards the house and he paid £7500 (a ridiculously big amount, btw!) for a ring, so you are still out of pocket, but at least only half as much.
The only problem might be how he paid for the ring - if it was on his card they will probably only be able to put the refund on his card.

Windywenceslas · 20/12/2014 12:18

Get legal advice and tell him to stick Vera up his arse. What a fucking cheek, using that as a stick to beat you with, when he hasn't even given it to you yet! No wonder you can't stand him.

Don't let your daughter be used as a go between in your arguments. If he tries that again, just tell him straight that it's abusive towards your DD.

Vivacia · 20/12/2014 12:54

He the turned to my daughter and said mummy is acting like a spoilt little girl who doesn't appreciate what is given to her.

I found that quite chilling to read.

Windywenceslas · 20/12/2014 13:09

Vivacia - Me too.

OP, I should clarify, he shouldn't use anything as a stick to beat you with, but when it's something that he hasn't given to you yet, well that's even more ridiculous.

Twinklestein · 20/12/2014 13:44

OP do you have the receipts for the 15k you put into the property?

Tyzer85 · 20/12/2014 14:02

If the OP didn't buy the engagement ring and it hasn't been given to her then her finding it and returning it with the idea of keeping the money will be regarded as theft and fraud.

Please think about the consequences before offering advice as it would get her in trouble.

Vivacia · 20/12/2014 14:07

I agree with Tyzer, this ring business is a distraction. The OP does not need it in order to leave this bully.

Joysmum · 20/12/2014 14:09

This morning it was because I told him to go and pick up a replacement car early

I read this and thought you probably puss him off no end 'telling' him to do things.

Having read the rest of it doesn't justify his reaction though and holding Vera over you like he thinks you can be bought. Not nice, and a very telling attitude towards you.

EBearhug · 20/12/2014 14:24

I'm quite in favour of writing things down when your message isn't getting through - as a one-off, to start discussion. It's not something you can use as a continuing form of communication, and you definitely can't use it as your only form of communication. It's worth looking at how you communicate as well - maybe if you had asked him, rather than telling him about the car? (As we only have how you've reported it here, you might have done that anyway.)

You don't deserve to be shouted at, but if you can't get back to being able to discuss things reasonably, you shouldn't be living together at all. Dragging your children into it is just wrong, as is using the ring as some sort of hold over you - so he spent £7500 on a ring (and if he spent it, he's the one who needs to return it and get the money back), but you've spent £15000 on his house, so if it were down to numbers... But it's not about numbers. It's about respect, and spending money and giving material things can't be buy that or replace it. You don't deserve respect according to the value of jewellery that's been exchanged. "I bought you this" doesn't mean "so I can now be abusive to you," just like buying someone dinner on a date doesn't mean they're now obliged to have sex with you.

He's treating you like this when you're not even married - why would you want to spend your life with someone who doesn't treat you or your daughter with respect?

Get legal advice on the £15000. Gather any receipts, written agreements etc you may have about it. Make sure your daughter understands that being given gifts doesn't mean the giver is allowed to treat you without respect.

EhricJinglingHisBallsOnHigh · 20/12/2014 14:54

Oh my goodness what a nasty bastard. As if Vera would hold any special feelings for you now after being used as a stick to keep you in line!

Rioux · 20/12/2014 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emotionsecho · 20/12/2014 15:27

It sounds like an appalling relationship, neither of you seem to have any respect, love or consideration for the other.

I too wonder if you telling him to go get the car, and the manner in which you did it sparked off this mornings row and whether you subconciously did it in order to get the reaction you did.

None of that really matters though, this is not a relationship worth trying to save there doesn't seem to be any basic structure to work on, you don't sound as if you like each other, never mind love one another.

Original poster

MsFriend · 20/12/2014 18:53

Can't find Vera. He has totally turned things round saying I am pathetic for only wanting to communicate with messages. I explained that I am unable to have a conversation with him because he 1, talks over 2. Doesn't listen to what I say 3. Walks off
And as I said that he walked off. Haven't spoken since.

OP posts:

deserttrek · 20/12/2014 19:08

The legal principle of Proprietary Estoppel should apply here.
You put money into his property in reliance of having a home.
You may even be able to continue living there, but all the financial facts and circumstances of both of you will be relevant.
In the meantime, do not get any more visible financial help from your mother.
Seek legal advice, but on a good recommendation and get a firm fee quote in writing.

Whereisegg · 20/12/2014 19:47

Can you go and stay with your dm?

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