Getting together with friend's ex

[dubyalass]

Hypothetical situation at the moment, but my friend and her ex split, at his instigation, in May this year. She has since met someone else and things seem to be going well with the new bloke. That said, I think she still has feelings for her ex, they were together for three years.

I've always had a soft spot for her ex and increasingly I get the impression the feeling is mutual. I am not going to do anything about it out of respect for my friend, but at what point (if ever) is it OK to date a friend's ex?

It's a no.
Girl rule.

I don't get why you'd want to sleep with someone who your friend had slept with.

I wouldn't do it why would I want to sleep with someone my friend has slept with?
egghead a bit autistic? What does that mean?

Men come and go but a good friendship can last a lifetime and is priceless.

Well it's not strictly true that all men come and go is it? Some men last a lifetime and that is also priceless, probably more than a good friendship if it produces a stable and happy family. It's very rare to find that and why would you throw away that chance of a life's happiness and something very special, just because you stuck blindly to a moral rule of "NEVER NEVER NEVER". Absolutism are rarely true, there are always exceptions - even for murder.

See squigglypig's post above about that ex is now her DH.

So I think dating a friend's ex depends. I would say as follows:

1. The basic rule is no don't do it. A lot of men in the world and you risk losing a friend. The exceptions are:

1. If the friend really doesn't care and gives permission (short lived fling/ years ago/ that type of thing). (Or you could add in here if the friend is not a close or good friend and is more in the nature of an acquaintance that you could lose from your life without much angst).

1. If you have good reason to think the relationship with the ex would be a very serious relationship for you with a real possibility of a life partnership AND you were willing to lose your friend over it. This would usually mean that it was someone you had got to know properly so it was more than just lust or the forbidden fruit aspect.

Tread carefully and talk to your friend about it and see what she thinks before you do anything.

My ex is with a school gate acquaintance of mine, it pissed me off momentarily and I find it a bit tacky gossipy.....but hey we all move on and don't own anyone.

I can't see why its such a no no. Granted if your friend has just been dumped by him and is still getting over him that's different but if he's an ex and she's seeing someone else why on earth not. Wouldn't bother me in the slightest

I married a friend's ex! But they had broken up (at his instigation) over 5 years before we got together. We are still friends, and she is happily married to someone else. Probably depends on the circumstances and time between them breaking up and you getting together.

I had an ex that got together with a friend. I didn't love him anymore so didn't mind in that respect, but it did make me wonder whether they were lusting after each other when we were together which wasn't a nice feeling.
Their relationship turned out not to last long, but although I stayed on fairly good terms with my friend the friendship wasn't ever quite the same again.

Yes, I think it does depend on which ex it is doesn't it? If the relationship ended fairly amicably and there were no strong feelings left, then probably not much of a problem. In this case, it's an ex who, in your own words, hurt your friend badly. If that was me, I would feel a bit let down that you would disregard the fact that bloke hurt me - me, your friend! - in order to go out with him. And as a bystander on the internet, Id have to ask you why you'd be keen to get with someone who hurts people badly in the first place! It's a bit of a red flag, isn't it? OTOH, we can all make mistakes that hurt people, but without actually being bastards.... I'm getting splinters from this fence I'm sitting on...

I don't think there are hard and fast rules.

I also think it would be quite selfish for someone who is happy in a different relationship to block a friend dating her ex if she really liked him. Especially if they split a long time ago.

Obviously dating the guy who broke your best friends heart a week after the split would be cruel!

*I think, for me, it would depend on the ex.

I can think of a few exes where I wouldn't mind friends getting together with. There is one I'd be seriously not OK about any friend being involved with.*

Agree. Id be livid about one particular ex, whom I loved wholeheartedly and began to make a life with.

This summer is way too soon though. Give it 2-3 years first.

Generally it would be a big no from me, as someone upthread said, why would anyone want to sleep with someone their friend had slept with?

Otherwise, if you wanted to go there, I'd say it depends how close a friend she is and how serious their relationship was. I certainly wouldn't do anything without speaking to her first, unless you're happy to let the friendship slide.

I married my ex's best friend & housemate (our marriage has lasted 15 happy years, their friendship did not)

I think you need to reverse it and ask how you would feel in the situation.

My friend married my ex and had three kids with him. I didn't mind, I had met someone else.
I did find it tricky knowing what to say about why he was an ex, but when they separated she did acknowledge I tried to tell her, which made me feel better.

RoundandRound I can't honestly answer that. If a friend got together with my most recent ex I would probably ask them if they needed their head looking at because he was a prize twat. My lovely ex from a few years back is a different story - I'd be delighted if a friend got together with him because even though I still fancy him I know we weren't right for each other and I'd like to see him happy.

The big love of my life, from about ten years ago - I'd wish them well even though I'd be jealous as hell and would find it difficult seeing them together.

I'd like to say I'd be pragmatic about it, because I don't see why friends shouldn't date exes. It's happened in all my friendship groups, although not to me personally. I don't feel like I have any claim over anyone I've been in a relationship with, however it ended. But obviously not everyone feels like this!