Oh boy - please help (long)

[Veganchums]

So this is hard to post. I am so conflicted and confused and know that I'm likely to get flamed, but probably need that. So as not to drip feed; I am married in my late thirties. I have a three year old and have been in the same relationship for 16 years.

My relationship with my husband in difficult, we are really different and seem to be increasingly so. Since I had my son ( in fact for months before) we have not had sex, I hate this and have tried to broach it on several occasions. My son has always been a bad sleeper and I think I probably suffered from undiagnosed PND. None of this lends itself to a great sex life and my husbands contention is that this is the fundamental reason for the lack of sex.

I find it so hard and the situation has given me a pretty low body image. I feel like having my son and the changes my body went through are directly responsible for the situation, I've expressed this, he denies this - I know that he doesn't look at me the same way... who knows.

That though is only the half of it. I work with a guy who is great. Funny, sweet, good company. We get on well and I had assumed that the slight crush I had developed was one sided and safely packed away in the realm of fantasy.

Here comes the cliche .... He made a pass at our Xmas do and I walked away, kind of relented but ultimately decided it was too complicated and hard and walked away. We texted and talked and both agreed that our lives were more important than the temporary excitement of a Xmas kiss.

Skip to tonight, we went for a drink to sort things, figuring that the only people we could safely talk to about what had happened were each other and agreed to put it behind us an move on, stay friends...do the right thing....our resolve lasted as far as the station where we ended up snogging like teenagers.

I know this is bonkers and that there is no future, I really do know this ...but it also felt so good to have someone want me, to have that rush that you get... And he is a lovely guy. I know that this can go no further and that the risks associated are astronomical, but...how can I move on. None of it fixes the issues at home and I know that I played an equal role in the instigation of the situation. Please help me....

What did you really think would happen by meeting him? There seems no reason to meet to talk about it, you'd already agreed not to progress things. So you're in denial that you went with the intention to talk about it, you went with the intention of progressing this, you just don't want to admit it to yourself.

End it, cut contact, sort out your marriage. How would you feel if your DH did this?

I can hear and feel your unhappiness Veganchums, I'm guilty of been in the same position earlier this year..I thought I was unhappy with my 17yr relationship,but in fact I was unhappy with ME!!! I cheated on my wife and thought the "relationship" I started was the answer..BIG mistake..all I was doing was running away from my own shit (sorry) I fessed up as I knew it was wrong and I needed to get my head sorted..I get the way a long term relationship gets strained...but somebody else is not the answer...it feels all new and exciting..addictive even..but get rid and sort your relationship out..its for the best I promise.x

I think you should treat this experience as a wake up call to get off the fence where your marriage is concerned. Either commit to making it work better or go for a clean break.

Thanks - I am grateful. I can't cut contact because of work, but I am pretty sure that neither of us can afford to allow this to happen again.

I was surprise by the power of the situation, and by how much I wanted it. My focus needs to be much closer to home, although how do I make someone want me again, perhaps I can't? Is it reasonable to have to live without sex in a relationship? .... Oh god, it gets no easier!

Try to remember what attracted you to your husband in the beginning and what did he like about you. What did you do that made him smile and be drawn to you. Sometimes after children we lose sight of who were.

You can't change someone else's behaviour, only your own. You can, however, clearly state that you are concerned with the status quo of no intimacy etc, present them the consequences of things staying the same (e.g. that the relationship won't survive) and let them decide how much they want to try to avoid that consequence. Might mean taking the initiative yourselves or it could be a cue to seek counselling. Could also be that you both go your separate ways because there is no enthusiasm for change.

I recommend honesty in this situation.. Honesty with yourself...the power of the attraction to somebody else if fuelled by the attention received from them.. As I said it can feel addictive even.I can fully recommend Relate for either 1-1 or as a couple..if you truly believe this is a one off then don't put yourself in any situation for this to happen again....DO NOT GO FOR DRINKS TO TALK IT OVER...IYSWIM!!!!
You mentioned PND... Maybe seeing the Relate counsellor with that as a starting point is a good idea.... Affairs ruin lives...the grass is never ever greener in situations like this...Good Luck..x

Thank you all so much. I am a bit of a state this morning! I know the situation needs to change and I need to find some power and traction. I can take from this two things.....I am not the hideous, snarled up all witch that I though I was....I am far more concerned about the future of my marriage than I have let myself admit up until now.

I have so much to figure out and just feel ashamed of myself for falling into such a cliche of a situation! This is so hard

You have shown you have the power by admitting to this in the first place...please get some support for YOU...I fear you'll try and repair this with guilt tinged eyes otherwise..I really hope you sort this..Good luck and feel free to ask further advice as this will not be easy!!!

Thank you much - I needed someone else to set the course, this isn't like me and to be honest I think that the attraction to the other guy is pretty strong....stronger than just physical, we have shared interests, we get on, he makes me laugh.

But I need to pull my head out my arse and sort things out with my husband. He doesn't deserve to be hurt. I think I need some counselling and will sort this and I am also aware that I need to be honest about the sexual (or lack of) side of my marriage. I am struggling with fantasy and reality and that grass is greener pull...but rationally I know what I need to do . Wish my luck none of this is easy!!!

The counselling will allow u to see what's real and what's fantasy..I left my wife in the summer for somebody who I thought I had a physical & mental attraction too..I've been in a relationship with my wife for 17 yrs & married for 7...we have two amazing boys,but we'd grown apart & my head
was messed up..I was drawn to the other women through low self worth and insecurity...Iv lived apart from my wife n kids for 5 months now..it kills me everyday..but through counselling I know why I was looking elsewhere..We're due at Relate in the new year once my 1-1 stuff is done..I pray she understands where Iv been mentally & gives me another chance..Take time and again be honest with yourself.

Namaste 100 I so hope you come through this - you have given me such clear advice and been a voice of experience to my fucked up head! I am now off work for x 2 weeks and the other guy has more leave in the new year. Enough time to move on and sort out the fact and fantasy and spend time with my lovely little family. Fucking hell, what an amazing way to complicate a tough situation!!

Iv sadly learnt the hard way but I'm not giving up on a chance to make good as be happy..Life's a complicated business mate..but if it's worth it.. Fight for it...good luck

All ok?

I am feeling slightly better, but more percpective. I understand that I need to forgive myself, as beating myself up after the event is pointless. Everytime I start to thing about the other guy I go out for a run, that helps.... (Oddly).

I have also had a conversation with my DH, have told him that things need to change and that I am more unhappy than I realised. We will see if this changed anything, but for my son my focus is Xmas and making his day magical. For me my focus is the new year and getting my head and heart sorted. I am still hurting, just not as raw...!

Wow..fantastic step in talking to your hubby.. That would of taken a lot of courage & guts..to share your hidden feelings is a really hard thing to do.
I agree focus on your little one over Xmas..don't dwell..just look to a positive future whatever that may bring.. Good luck & have a good one