Father demanding to see grandchildren

[iammargesimpson]

Hi all, longtime lurker, first time poster here so be gentle! Long backstory to this, basically my parents are divorced, dad remarried which is not the problem; he has always been mentally unstable, has had a few breakdowns and been sectioned a couple of times. He has gone nc with myself and my three brothers at various times over insignificant things, all very messy and unpredictable.

After 7 years of nc, he contacted each of us last xmas and wanted to try again, I met with him and after a very pleasant meeting, the phone calls started - I was in the wrong for not informing him when my youngest ds was born although we were nc at the time and I had preeclampsia which took a long time to recover from emotionally and physically so really wasn't in a good place to contact him. We agreed that he would get over this and not mention it again, the have been a few phone calls that start off pleasant and then he drags up something from the past and it gets very nasty, very quickly, it usually ends with him crying on the phone and me placating him.

Anyway, he has decided he wants to see my two ds for an Xmas visit and I have said no, not at the moment because of the unpredictability of his moods and I don't think its in their best interests. He said that he had a right to see his gc and I said that it is my job to look after their best interests and I don't think seeing him would be of any benefit (they are 10 and 5). He said he would call to the house to see them and I told him that wouldn't be a good idea and would not improve relations between us. He hung up.

He called back, I didn't answer the call as I knew it would be a ranty nasty one. The message he left said that he was going to tell everyone that I was preventing him from seeing his gc and then his wife came on the line saying I was never to darken thir door and I was a little bitch and she hoped bad things came my way. This convinced me that I was doing the right thing by both my ds and by myself.

But am I? ive been mulling it over and am now wondering if I have done the right thing. I know a visit would make an old man very happy but I just don't think I want my kids exposed to his highly unpredictable moods - very emotional, can turn nasty very quickly, etc. they have a great relationship with their gran (my mum) and have never asked about their grandad. Any advice from anyone who has been in a similar situation would be much appreciated and thanks for reading

If he turns up, you do not have to open the door.

You could also call the police. I would also record him through the door if it gets bad to play back to the police.

But that is the worst case scenario. Don't let it ruin your day. Have a plan, but don't obsess. Hard ask i know but you can't let it take over.

I agree if he is not well he doesn't get to see the children, as contact is for their benefit.

This wife of his, did he meet her in the hospital? She sounds ill too.

If he comes to your house, you do not have to open the door.

Really, you do not.

OP, he sounds like a very difficult man.

Please do not feel guilty about keepinh him away from your DC.

for you.

This is harassment , and there are now laws to protect you . However painful , you now need to keep a log of his actions , date , time etc . It may be that you and your dh should go to the police soon about this . Your father's behaviour has gone too far and you must continue to protect your family , as you are already doing so well.

who does this? really?

how absolutely DARE he demand that you, an adult do what he commands?

how dare he further insist you receive a letter ?

how dare he demand you waste time and energy going to collect it?

how dare he demand you read it?

how dare he demand to grill your dh and make sure you've read it?

answer to all the above is: HE CAN'T.

he absolutely has no right to demand that you do or do not do anything. ever.

don't pick up the letter, it'll get sent back to him in a couple of weeks.

don't allow him to call your home - change your numbers.

don't allow him to call your H at work - you've done this, informed them not to allow any attempts to contact dh unless it's you.

change your home number.

if there is one more attempt to contact you, call the police and report the pair of them for harassment.

I agree this is serious harassment NOW, but understand you might find reporting them hard. compile evidence you already have, and keep the voicemail as evidence.

I personally think you should get this logged, as it's likely the evil pair will come to you home, and you will need to have your address flagged for fast response to get them to leave.

I am so sorry you are suffering this. it's such a scary thing to have going on.

In some ways him ringing your dh's boss is useful because it does display odd behaviour and involves someone neutral and it's interfering with your normal lives. All helpful if you need to get the law involved. :(

Does he think he owns you? He's acting like it.

He's wrong.

As everyone says, you don't have to let him in. It might be worth ringing 101 to have a quiet word and asking their advice and logging the possiblity of an unpleasant incident. If it doesn't happen, great. If it does, well, the police are forwarned.

Also - is there any chance at all he might turn up at your children's school? It could be worth formally saying to them that he is not to be allowed contact with them and certainly he can't pick them up. He sounds very controlling and rather unhinged, it's worth being careful maybe.

Who the fuck does he think he is to be demanding that you read this letter of his? Under no circumstances go and get it from the post office, OP - that's what he wants. And how he keeps you locked into this psychodrama of his.

I would go to the police. He needs to be told to stop trying to contact you.

I assume your DH doesn't want to change his work plans tomorrow given he's already had the embarrassment of dealing with a mad phone call to his work place. Can you go out for the day or get someone to come and keep you company at home? Don't open the door if he does show up.

He's acting like the most horrendous bully and you need to stand up to him and make clear you won't play his games.

Your father sounds quite like my parents. We are NC. They turned up at my childrens school and tried to see them. Fortunately the school refused and contacted us .

Just to warn you. Let the school know that you have a relative who doesn't not see the children because they are a risk to them and that they may contact the school . You don't need to tell the scholl anymore than that .

Make sure the school know who IS allowed to take the children from school and that your emergency contacts are up to date .

You are doing the right thing op. Sorry you've got this extra stress at Christmas.

One thing jumped out at me, op. You letting your DC visit your father 'would make an old man v happy' - no, no it wouldnt. These people are NEVER happy. They are only mildly contented when everyone is running about after them, keeping the peace, second guessing... But happy? No.
Don't get manipulated. I second everyone on here - they've shown their true colours; time to go nc, and involv the police if you have to

Christ. He DEMANDS that you read his letter?

Go NC, but seriously NC. That means no messages, no letters, no calls, no nothing. If he comes knocking, call the police.

You've got to draw a line in the sand so he realises (for once in his life) that NO means NO or this will never end.

I know it's not the same, but indulhe me a bit here :)

I was in an abusive relationship for 10 yrs. 3 of them were spent abroad in a quite literally godforsaken hole of a country.

I was being verbally abused, confined to my accommodation for weeks on end (10 wks was the maximum) in the end I didn't want to go out. I had to recover from agoraphobia when I got back home.

let me tell you, that man had control over what I did, ate, where or not I went, whether I had contact with friends or not (he'd buy phone credit), medication, etc etc.. you get the picture.

one thing he never controlled? my mind. he couldn't make me think in the way he wanted me to. I knew he was wrong and I was right, and I was utterly alone at times. even then I knew he was wrong.

you are not in that situation. not by a long stretch, you have a H, you have us, and you have support around you.

your 'father' can't make you do anything. he has no right to make a single demand of you. his dw should be ashamed of herself, she's become the most vile and nasty flying monkey.

as of this second, you and your family are NC with the pair of them. get legal advice, call 101 for their take on things, and never ever have anything else to do with them again.

let the law deal with him from this point onwards.