My DW and her weight

[pompodd]

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, just looking for some female opinions, I suppose.

My DW and I are mid-30s and have been married for a little over 10 years with 3 DC - 8, 6 and 3. I'd say she has always been a slightly larger lady - she was a size 14/16 when we met. I've always fancied her and love her just the way she is.

But I know she hasn't been happy recently with her weight. The toll of having 3 difficult pregnancies and then being a SAHM since our eldest was born has knocked her self-esteem and she's put quite a lot of weight on - she's now a size 20/22. She's thinking about getting back into the job market and retraining as our youngest will be starting full time school next year. In the meantime she has been doing some volunteering which she enjoys and some writing/blogging.

I have never, in all the time I've known her (getting on for 15 years), passed any negative comment on her weight. As I said above, I love her the way she is, her beautiful (to me) body carried our 3 lovely DC and I've certainly changed too since we first met. But I guess I'm starting to get concerned about what effect this might have on her health and also the fact that she is clearly unhappy with how she looks. She has previously talked before about doing something - regular swimming, or an exercise class, or playing a sport with a couple of girlfriends but it never really comes to anything. She even bought an exercise DVD earlier in the year, used it once and then hasn't again. She also admits that she comfort eats if she's feeling a bit down with the sheer toil and hard work of looking after 3 kids during the week.

I'm just struggling with understanding what's going on in her head. It's obviously a very sensitive subject for her and she gets very upset if I ask her about it - i.e. if you want to do the regular swimming thing just let me know and I'll make sure I'm home that evening to do the kids' bath and bed. I suspect I'm very practical about these things - if something about my appearance bothered me that much, I'd do something about it. She is clearly a different person to me, and her self-esteem issues obviously make it more difficult for her to feel that she can just "do something about it".

Any thoughts? I know this is a bit of a ramble, but if you were in that position, what would you like your DH to do or suggest?

[arsenaltilidie]

There is no easy way to tell your wife she needs to lose weight.

But she was overweight when you met, you can't expect her to not get bigger iykwim!

Some of the denial/passing the blame on this thread is amazing. People are overweight because of themselves! Certainly not because they are busy or have no time to themselves. They are overweight because they like to nibble on unhealthy food.

[GoatsDoRoam]

You sound like a really lovely and supportive partner.

Keep doing exactly that. Your wife will take action whenever she feels able and willing. And when she does, having a supportive husband will be a big boost to her chosen action.

[GnomeDePlume]

Thinking that your DW's main problem is comfort eating has she considered life coaching or personal counselling? Having some time each week to talk and think about what she wants out of life.

[pompodd]

Gnome - I think that's a good idea and worth considering. I will mention it to her and see what she thinks. I like the idea of her being able to do something (even if it's only talking at first!) that's just for her.

arsenal - I didn't think anyone on the thread was in denial or blame-passing, just explaining how a similar issue affected them. And whilst my wife was overweight when I met her, she has become much more overweight since (to the point where I'm getting concerned for her health). I don't think, in your terms, that means I "can't expect her not to get bigger". I never had any such expectation in the first place!

[arsenaltilidie]

Tbh there is nothing you can do other than to be there for her when she COMES to you for help.
She has to want to lose weight herself.
In most cases subtle comments will do more harm than good.

[GnomeDePlume]

I think that it is useful for her to find out what she is comforting herself from.

There are various diet groups around but if you can afford it something personal to her might be more productive for her.

If she isnt confident then swimming could well be the worst form of torture.

Get cooking again but to make it a joy not a chore.

[Zipitydooda]

I think doing things together really helps though I know it can be impossible with children to look after.

Personally I'd love it if my DH arranged someone to look after the children for a day. Planned bulk cooking, ordered all the ingredients and we could spend the day cooking together without demands from kids.

If he took some ownership of the family and household just a little. It's often a mind-numbingly boring job and I turn to food and caffeine. No one seems to care what I do and I see my DH 'switch off' when I talk about my day or stuff to do with the children.

I'd love my DH To come on runs with me. I'm trying to do the couch to 5K but motivation in cold weather is a problem.

Also I find when I have some time and space to myself just to chill out it enables me to reflect on my life and be more proactive rather than fire-fighting whatever gets thrown my way. Then I'm in a better mental state to be healthier.

[GnomeDePlume]

I think that it is helpful to recognise that comfort eating and low self-esteem may well be symptoms of an underlying problem.

[FoodieMum3]

You sound so caring, OP.

I was very overweight until this year (I've lost all the weight but it will always be a battle). When my dh first met me I was a tiny size 8-10. Even after dd1 I was still slim. It was not until after I had baby no.2 that I became very overweight. I too became a sahm and lost all interest in myself. I didn't see the point in wearing nice clothes, or getting my highlights touched up. I ate out of boredom and loneliness and eventually because I had messed up my appetite and hunger signals so much I was always starving and never really had a sense of being full.
Then I felt crap about how I looked so would eat chocolate to feel better. It really is a vicious circle and SO hard to break.

Sorry, this is about me but I get your wife. I understand her so much.

During that time, my dh never as much as passed a comment on the fact that I had gained weight, bless him. I know that he must have been concerned about me, because not only was my appearance different but my entire personality too.
I think it's probably different for all of us but I know that for me personally I would have been devastated if he had ever brought it up, no matter what approach he took, be it concerned about health, encouraging exercise etc. I was extremely defensive about it and would have felt ten times more hideous about myself if he were to bring it to my attention, either directly or indirectly. I'll also repeat what others have said above, we know we are/were overweight, we know how to lose weight. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, I know what healthy food is and how to cook it, I know about portion sizes, exercise, calorie control and I could write a book on slimming world, 5/2, etc etc.

I'm rambling now so I'll get to the point I'm trying to make. This needs to come from your wife herself. I'm not sure what it will take. There are several threads on the weightloss board here along the lines of 'What was your lightbulb moment'? Very often it's a health scare, a comment from your child, an old photo.
Your wife, IMO needs her 'lightbulb moment' and that's where you and your support come in.

I haven't been much help because I haven't actually given you any advice, just shared my own experience.
Good luck

[pompodd]

foodie - you've been really helpful, actually. Just hearing others' experiences (particularly those like yours which are so knowing about the situation my wife is in) is a real comfort. Because it's further reassurance that doing what I'm doing is the best course of action.

[arsenaltilidie]

And the passing the blame is from posters saying if my DH could do this...
Losing weight has to come from within and as a partner there is nothing you can do.
Saying anything about her weight will make her feel worse and won't change her attitude to food.

[rb32]

I have a similar proplem. My wife is putting on more and more weight to the point where it is becoming un-healthy. It's not a looks thing as (as she'll confirm!) it's definatly not putting me off her at all.

However, she always moans about how crappy she feels, how fat she is, how she doesn't feel sexy with the weight etc etc. Now, I know I probably should just say, "don't worry about it dear, you look great, fantastic!" (which I do) but isn't this just a bit disingenuous, almost a bit enabeling?

It's obvious from all the replies here that turning round and saying, "yes you're fat go and do something about it and stop eating to much!" is not the way to go but surely in a commited and loving relationship then gentle ecouragement and acknowledgement of the issue shouldn't be a problem? Obviously they still need that lightbulb moment and then the opportunity to follow it through. I often have to bite my tongue, especially as I exercise regularly and know how much better she'd feel if she did the same.

[cottageinthecountry]

Losing weight has to come from within and as a partner there is nothing you can do.

I disagree - you have to help the person to feel empowered enough to want to lose weight. They have to know they are important, have a right to feel good, have some proactive control over their lives and that their sole purpose in life is NOT about cleaning, cooking and hanging about waiting for kids to get their shoes on.

When you're looking after children you put yourself last. You have to - to a certain extent, it's what makes the family unit work. This is what puts weight on, the waiting about for people, being in the kitchen all day surrounded by food, having to encourage children to eat 3 times a day and just the relentless meeting of everyone else's needs before your own.

This is what SAHMs in particular need to get support with and particularly those whose body image has always been to please others and not for themselves. Pregnancy is a wonderful time for overeating, the first time in our lives we can relax and don't have to refuse food. When pleasing others then becomes about cooking, feeding, cleaning and you know your DH loves you in any shape or size there is just no motivation left.

Of course everyone's reason for motivation will be different, I think in my case it's about having something to look forward to - a holiday, a party but also having someone who's prepared to stick their neck out for you, give you TIME for fitness activities and that does the washing up/kids bedtime in order for them to prioritise themselves above everything else.

Rant over, Merry Christmas :)