My DW and her weight

[pompodd]

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, just looking for some female opinions, I suppose.

My DW and I are mid-30s and have been married for a little over 10 years with 3 DC - 8, 6 and 3. I'd say she has always been a slightly larger lady - she was a size 14/16 when we met. I've always fancied her and love her just the way she is.

But I know she hasn't been happy recently with her weight. The toll of having 3 difficult pregnancies and then being a SAHM since our eldest was born has knocked her self-esteem and she's put quite a lot of weight on - she's now a size 20/22. She's thinking about getting back into the job market and retraining as our youngest will be starting full time school next year. In the meantime she has been doing some volunteering which she enjoys and some writing/blogging.

I have never, in all the time I've known her (getting on for 15 years), passed any negative comment on her weight. As I said above, I love her the way she is, her beautiful (to me) body carried our 3 lovely DC and I've certainly changed too since we first met. But I guess I'm starting to get concerned about what effect this might have on her health and also the fact that she is clearly unhappy with how she looks. She has previously talked before about doing something - regular swimming, or an exercise class, or playing a sport with a couple of girlfriends but it never really comes to anything. She even bought an exercise DVD earlier in the year, used it once and then hasn't again. She also admits that she comfort eats if she's feeling a bit down with the sheer toil and hard work of looking after 3 kids during the week.

I'm just struggling with understanding what's going on in her head. It's obviously a very sensitive subject for her and she gets very upset if I ask her about it - i.e. if you want to do the regular swimming thing just let me know and I'll make sure I'm home that evening to do the kids' bath and bed. I suspect I'm very practical about these things - if something about my appearance bothered me that much, I'd do something about it. She is clearly a different person to me, and her self-esteem issues obviously make it more difficult for her to feel that she can just "do something about it".

Any thoughts? I know this is a bit of a ramble, but if you were in that position, what would you like your DH to do or suggest?

[rookietherednosedreindeer]

You sound like such a caring DH.

I echo what most of the other posters say, directly addressing it with her will end in tears as no matter what you say, she will feel that you are unhappy with her size or that you want her to do something about it.

If she brings it up you could ask what you could do to help i.e.doing batch meals at the weekends with healthy ingredients, going for more exercise as a family.

It's easy to get stuck in a rut. DS and I vegged in the house all yesterday but today I dragged him out to the artificial ski slope and we both feel much better for it, but it is hard to get that initial oomph. Building in walks and cycles with the family is a great idea.

Child free time must be hard with 3DCs but do you have any family or friends that could babysit - it might be nice for your DW and yourself if you could go out of an evening and do something non-child and preferably non-food related, give her an excuse to dress up which might help her to think about the healthy eating a bit more.

It's a really hard one and I applaud you for being so sensitive in your approach.

[pompodd]

Thanks everyone, lots of good advice here. I think I just need to keep doing what I'm doing and avoiding, as Cogito rightly says, jumping for the "solution". A slight tangent, perhaps, but I find avoiding the "solution" really really hard because I'm a lawyer and, I suppose, very practically-minded. Finding practical solutions is what I do! But at least I'm aware of the fact that I do it I guess...

Lady (love your name, btw!) - what was your lightbulb moment? You sound just like my DW from what you said - you knew what needed to be done and it's almost like you were testing the water by making suggestions but then never really followed through with things - until you got your lightbulb moment.

[MaryWestmacott]

You can batch cook, you can pick up a slow cooker and set meals going the night before. You can aim to have veggie stirfries that only take 10-15 minutes (esp if you buy the bags of fresh cut veggies, expensive, but cheaper than a take away and that and noodles rather than rice means you cna have a meal on the plate in around 5 mintues).

Meal planning will also mean you don't have to do the thinking about what food you'll have that night when you are hungry and tired, when you tend to make bad choices.

[Vivacia]

I think you should ask for her help and support in eating healthier and getting fit (and be genuine when you say it).

As a family, get out walking, cycling and swimming together. If she chooses to stay home and catch up on housework or sleep, that's her choice.

Join a gym and ask her to keep you company.

As a family, start to eat better and again, ask her for her company. Join MyFitnessPal and share that experience with her (not sure how it works, but guess that it involves weighing and logging your food).

[byanothername]

Weight is just a side-issue really. It's the grind of daily life.

When you say in your opening post that she "comfort eats", that's the answer. Why is she comfort eating - Eg is she bloody exhausted, skint, looking after the kids on her own most of the time, not getting out with friends, not time to cook, bored, depressed, just trying to get through the evening routine etc etc. Three kids is a lot of work. If there's something you or others can do to help - e.g. let her have a lie-in at weekends, take kids away for the night etc, she'll have more time to breathe, rest and just be.

Often that's the key to getting healthier.

[WillkommenBienvenue]

The thing is her solution will involve a lot more than just getting up and doing the exercise. I think the best thing you can do is enable her to do it herself - that means giving her time when you will completely take over the household and the children (and not leave the washing up and tidying for her to do when she gets back).

She's got three young children, SAHM, her life is governed by the whims and needs of her children (and you). Until she can really claim back time and headspace for herself it's going to very difficult for her to commit to any exercise.

Perhaps that's why she gives up at the first hurdle or even avoids it - she knows that as soon as the children peep/get ill/have a need that is greater than her own she will have to drop it all and deal with them.

I think either you take over, or you ensure she arranges a childminder for one day a week.

[notsogoldenoldie]

Tricky. I agree that diets and exercise are not the complete answer. You need to do a huge amount of exercise to have an impact on weight if your eating habits do not change too. I think you both need to be honest about how much food you're eating. And be committed to doing something positive about changing poor habits. I kind of get where your dw is coming from: it's hard to change if you're not in the right place mentally. Exercise will help lift dw' s mood, certainly. You mention the fact that your wife is not a "dieter". I assume you mean by this that she does not "watch what she eats" and is not vigilant about keeping an eye on calories. Unfortunately, I think she has to be. She probably knows that. Have you thought about getting her a lifestyle app to monitor what she's consuming? Mfp is great and quite good fun. It also stops "mindless" eating. It's the only thing that works for me, anyway

[MaryWestmacott]

Another thought, does she have a lot of 'mummy friends'? Because while she's got a young one, a lot of the mum friends I made were after DC1, and with an 8 year old, a lot of those woman may have returned to work by now if they've not gone on to have a larger family, she might be lonely in the day (particualry if DC3 is in pre-school so she's not going to toddler groups anymore). When I'm bored and lonely, cake looks like a good idea.

[pompodd]

Wilkommen - I think you're spot on there. It's about her feeling that she is "just" a mum now so anything outside of that role takes a backseat.

notsogolden - I don't think a lifestyle app is going to work for her, in fact I think it would have the opposite effect (it would work really well for me, though!). Perhaps she'd see it as another chore to add to her long list. You're right about what I meant when I said she isn't a dieter. She isn't vigilant about calories (although clearly knows she has to be).

Someone asked above about sex. That's perhaps a whole different thread, but we'd got ourselves into a rut as a result of sheer bloody exhaustion for both of us, her self-esteem, me starting to feel rejected etc. In the last year or so we've really turned a corner on that front, I think.

[Twinklestein]

I think once someone starts to border on obese, mentioning their weight with regard to their health is legitimate. I don't know how tall she is, she may be in the obese category already.

I think the best thing for her would be to join some kind of programme like Weightwatchers where she's got support and regular contact. My sister joined to lose the weight shed 'd put in after 3 kids, with great success.

If she has comfort or addiction eating patterns it may help her to address them with therapy. You can get that free with Overeaters Anonymous (which despite the name actually deals with all kinds of food issues, an ex anorexic friend of mine went and found them very helpful).

You could help her by changing all your diets and not having junky food in the house.

I'm not sure why some posters are implying exercise doesn't work. It absolutely does. Bottom line is if you eat less and move around more you wil lose weight.

[Windywenceslas]

Occasional exercise isn't going to make a difference. In order to shift enough weight for her to feel a difference in her self esteem you need to change the family eating habits. When DH or I feel we need to shift some weight we cut down or stop eating complex carbs. No sugar, bread, pasta, rice, potatoes etc. it's difficult at first, but you easily adapt. So she's at home at the moment, so breakfast can be poached/boiled eggs, bacon etc. cut out the starches from main meals and bulk up on veg, salad etc. you can still do takeaways too (not pizza obviously). If we CBA to cook, get a selection of chicken wings, ribs and yuk sung if we fancy Chinese food. If we fancy Indian food, tandoori chicken, chicken/lamb tikka, shashlick (sp?) there are loads of options.

I'm not a health fanatic, far from it, but DH and I both have limits regarding our own weights and if we feel we need to take action, that's what we do. It's not something we do all the time (I loves me a bit o carb) but it's a fix which works for us. I know January will be a virtually carb free month for us, but that's the price of a carb-fuelled Christmas.

[pompodd]

Twinklestein - I think she is certainly obese. And I don't doubt that mentioning her health is legitimate. But I suppose I'm not really concerned with what's legitimate, I'm concerned with what will best help her given I know she is unhappy. I've heard friends say that Weightwatchers is great. But, well, once I've suggested that there's no going back from it. As her self-esteem is low the last thing I want to do is to make her feel worse.

I think baby steps is the way and being 100% supportive of whatever she suggests. And freeing up some time for her (not necessarily to exercise, just to do whatever she wants to do).

Thanks again, everyone.

[MaryWestmacott]

Agree exercise wont help if you are continuing to eat processed food at takeaways regularly. There are lots of ways you can help, and ways you can suggest you want to cut down on them and do more cooking without it being seen as a dig at her weight or her housewifeyness skills (not sure how to word that!). Make it something you want to do for you.

While she might not be a 'watch what she eats' type, but if you make and effort to put healthy meals in front of her for a few weeks, you might see a difference - both in weight but also energy levels - when I fill up on junk I tend to feel more sluggish.

[Katie2489]

I agree that offering a solution may not be the most fruitful method of communication. I think listening and offering support is best here, as she is aware of her situation and she is the only one who can make a real difference. It sounds like you are doing all the right things generally If i were to make a suggestion, based purely off my own experience, it would be to try to make new family 'traditions' that you can enjoy together. One thing that we do is go for a walk in the evening before having dessert. When we get back we often decide that none of us fancy it anyway. Not suggesting this as a family tradition for you, just giving it as an example of ours.

[Twinklestein]

It's not as if she's not aware she's overweight OP, she knows she is, I can't see that mentioning it will make it worse if it's done sensitively out of concern for her health. If she's unhappy about her weight, then changing it will help her feel better.

You can say you love her whatever, the more of her the merrier, but you're concerned that she could now be at risk from diabetes (obesity is one of the key causes of diabetes) and heart disease and you will do anything you can to support her to change that.

[Twinklestein]

Has she had her BP and cholesterol checked at the GP?

[Joysmum]

When you say in your opening post that she "comfort eats", that's the answer. Why is she comfort eating

Exactly.

Focussing on diet doesn't work in these situations because you comfort eat fat more than you can diet or exercise off!

To lose 1lb of fat requires you to take in 3000kcals less than your requirements.

A couple of comfort eating sessions a week is enough to negate any diet efforts.

For emotional eaters, diet and exercise isn't the answer. I know because I've lost the same 6.5 stone 3 times now! Each time it's taken me longer to regain though so I'm improving

Stage 1: food diary.
This isn't so much about what or how much you eat. It's purely about when you eat, what circumstances or emotions you were in prior to eating and how you felt about it afterwards.

This will soon identify a pattern of triggers that set off the eating. For example, mine is in the 40 mins before DD finishes school and I'm home alone and bored. It's also in the hour after she goes to bed. I'm not alone but my DH eats then. So it less than 2 hours a day Im weak, the rest of the time I'm not. That was a comfort in itself to recognise.

Having identified the pattern you can work out what you need to do to break the pattern. It might be to remove yourself from a certain place at a certain time, or to seek company if alone, or to break a cycle of emotions before they build.

Again, I can't stress enough that comfort eaters aren't cured by going on a temporary diet.

[kaykayred]

Okay, first off I think a lot of people have made some really good points about not pushing this too hard. When you're already self conscious, then even well meaning nudges can just make you break down entirely.

One thing I would say though - swimming? Seriously???? I can think of literally no worse sport for someone self conscious about their body!!!! No wonder she is avoiding it!!!

I think three things to try maybe:

Firstly, stop eating junk. Don't even reference her weight or her desire to lose any. Simply couch it as something that YOU want.

So for example, "I'd really like to start eating better in the new year. It would be great if we could set a good example of healthy eating to our kids when they're still young, and to be honest, I'm not that confident in how my cholesterol will fare if we keep on like this. I can't do this alone though, so will you join and support me?"

Then actually HELP with the food shops and the cooking. Compare recipes. Whatever.

Secondly, if at all possible, try and give her 40-45 minutes of "me" time each day. I don't know how feasible that is, but even if it's half an hour. You can tell her it's to give her a break and she can do whatever she wants with the time. She might want to crash and rest. She might want to call a friend. She might want to scream into a pillow. She might want a bath. But, hopefully if you are consistent, she will start using that time at least a few times a week to do some exercise. The important thing is that her break isn't DEPENDENT on her doing exercise.

Thirdly and I don't know really the best way of doing this, but there are some really good workout dvd's on the market, which you - or her - can actually do at home. So you can fit it in without the hassle of getting changed, going somewhere, worrying about if you look okay, feeling like shit next to the size 6 supermodel running at thirty miles an hour without breaking a sweat next to you. If you're tired, you can stop. If you want to do it in your pants, you can.

Two very good ones are Insanity (which is all cardio) and P90X (which is cardio but mainly resistance training). Both are pretty expensive, but you get like 6-8 different dvd's with different workouts on them. I have insanity and really like it.

There are lots of very tacky, very American "motivational" videos on youtube, which are actually pretty inspirational. They are home made and basically chart someone's progress throughout the series.

With a programme like that, you could get it for yourself (they are definitely suitable for both men and women. No zumba involved...), and see if she decides to give it a go as well.

PS - Just to be clear I'm not affiliated with the company that make those videos in any way. I just use one of them, and it's great. I'd like the other one but can't be arsed to get the equipment.

[CinnamonCake]

Op, I was very overweight (crossed the border to obese) until 4 years ago.

My lightbulb moment was someone commenting on a photo of me, taken when my first child was 8 months old. It was taken 11 years earlier and I was slim. My friend looked at it and asked "Who is that?"

After having two more children I just piled on the weight, and ended up with more than 15 stone.
I lost 5 stone over 9 months, with lots of excercise and watching what I ate.

I put one stone back on, but it's fine, I am 5'7 and still in the "normal" weight range, and I know I will never be that overweight again.

I read a few books, had therapy and tackled my emotional eating. I broke a habit of a lifetime.

My DH has always been skinny. He met me thin, and he honestly says he didn't mind me being larger ,but he was always concerned I wasn't happy when I was very overweight. It truly was a vicious circle of lacking self esteem, eating, gaining weight, feeling crappier, therefore eating more...

He didn't do or say anything towards a solution. I knew it anyway. It wasn't a case of not knowing, it was a case of not being able to deal with the underlying issues from my childhood.

After this friend's comment I looked in the mirror and decided I would be slim at 40. I love my body now. And therefore I am careful about what I put into it.

[WillkommenBienvenue]

Cinnamon that's a very inspiring story.

I wholeheartedly suggest you do Kaykay's second suggestion. But do NOT try and come up with solutions - she will easily work out how to do the weight loss, it's a matter of psychological support and practical opportunity.

[fluffyraggies]

My advice? Don't say anything.

Maybe make a note to not buy or eat crapy food in front of her, but apart from that do zilch, nowt, nadda, nothing.

I stress about the 14lb i gain/loose on a roughly 5 yearly cycle. I tend to put it on when i'm a bit bored, a bit in a rut. After DCs are born (i have 4).

I tend to loose it when the weather's nice or there's a holiday in the offing. (a hot place where i'll be stripped off a lot). I loose it when i get so utterly sick of not being able to wear the clothes i want to wear, and feeling 'wobbly'. I loose it when i've spent time with slimmer women than me and get a bit envious. I loose it when i'm inspired by someone i hate loosing weight. We're all different. Different triggers to eat, different triggers to loose it.

My poor DH - god love him - plays it perfectly. (We've never discussed how he handles it btw.) He listens to me whinge and whine, and then always always ALWAYS says 'babe, you look just gorgeous to me', and more importantly he acts that way too. Kissing, cuddling, lots of sex. I like to believe him. Although i hate the way i look sometimes.

The day he answers my moaning about my love handles with the words 'lets do X, Y Z to get rid of them' i'll ... i dont know ... throw myself on the floor crying and go into a depression! Stupid i know - but that's my honest answer.

[ofmiceandmen]

This may sound drastic - take some time off work and give her a chance to actually by a non SAHM. Or if you can afford it, get some help.

She's tired.. dare say exhausted. And if anything she would probably see through the sports or activities if she had time to herself.

Ps I'm a man and I actually lost far too much weight when I was a main carer then single dad

n

Yes you've been a practical husband and probably think you've done a fair share of work with the DC but after years of doing the 24hr work load it takes a toll. And your giving the kids bath idea, although good, will hardly dent the exhaustion that's built up.

[Vivacia]

"LOSE"!
You lose weight until your clothes feel loose.

breathe