My DW and her weight

[pompodd]

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, just looking for some female opinions, I suppose.

My DW and I are mid-30s and have been married for a little over 10 years with 3 DC - 8, 6 and 3. I'd say she has always been a slightly larger lady - she was a size 14/16 when we met. I've always fancied her and love her just the way she is.

But I know she hasn't been happy recently with her weight. The toll of having 3 difficult pregnancies and then being a SAHM since our eldest was born has knocked her self-esteem and she's put quite a lot of weight on - she's now a size 20/22. She's thinking about getting back into the job market and retraining as our youngest will be starting full time school next year. In the meantime she has been doing some volunteering which she enjoys and some writing/blogging.

I have never, in all the time I've known her (getting on for 15 years), passed any negative comment on her weight. As I said above, I love her the way she is, her beautiful (to me) body carried our 3 lovely DC and I've certainly changed too since we first met. But I guess I'm starting to get concerned about what effect this might have on her health and also the fact that she is clearly unhappy with how she looks. She has previously talked before about doing something - regular swimming, or an exercise class, or playing a sport with a couple of girlfriends but it never really comes to anything. She even bought an exercise DVD earlier in the year, used it once and then hasn't again. She also admits that she comfort eats if she's feeling a bit down with the sheer toil and hard work of looking after 3 kids during the week.

I'm just struggling with understanding what's going on in her head. It's obviously a very sensitive subject for her and she gets very upset if I ask her about it - i.e. if you want to do the regular swimming thing just let me know and I'll make sure I'm home that evening to do the kids' bath and bed. I suspect I'm very practical about these things - if something about my appearance bothered me that much, I'd do something about it. She is clearly a different person to me, and her self-esteem issues obviously make it more difficult for her to feel that she can just "do something about it".

Any thoughts? I know this is a bit of a ramble, but if you were in that position, what would you like your DH to do or suggest?

[cottageinthecountry]

Losing weight has to come from within and as a partner there is nothing you can do.

I disagree - you have to help the person to feel empowered enough to want to lose weight. They have to know they are important, have a right to feel good, have some proactive control over their lives and that their sole purpose in life is NOT about cleaning, cooking and hanging about waiting for kids to get their shoes on.

When you're looking after children you put yourself last. You have to - to a certain extent, it's what makes the family unit work. This is what puts weight on, the waiting about for people, being in the kitchen all day surrounded by food, having to encourage children to eat 3 times a day and just the relentless meeting of everyone else's needs before your own.

This is what SAHMs in particular need to get support with and particularly those whose body image has always been to please others and not for themselves. Pregnancy is a wonderful time for overeating, the first time in our lives we can relax and don't have to refuse food. When pleasing others then becomes about cooking, feeding, cleaning and you know your DH loves you in any shape or size there is just no motivation left.

Of course everyone's reason for motivation will be different, I think in my case it's about having something to look forward to - a holiday, a party but also having someone who's prepared to stick their neck out for you, give you TIME for fitness activities and that does the washing up/kids bedtime in order for them to prioritise themselves above everything else.

Rant over, Merry Christmas :)

[rb32]

I have a similar proplem. My wife is putting on more and more weight to the point where it is becoming un-healthy. It's not a looks thing as (as she'll confirm!) it's definatly not putting me off her at all.

However, she always moans about how crappy she feels, how fat she is, how she doesn't feel sexy with the weight etc etc. Now, I know I probably should just say, "don't worry about it dear, you look great, fantastic!" (which I do) but isn't this just a bit disingenuous, almost a bit enabeling?

It's obvious from all the replies here that turning round and saying, "yes you're fat go and do something about it and stop eating to much!" is not the way to go but surely in a commited and loving relationship then gentle ecouragement and acknowledgement of the issue shouldn't be a problem? Obviously they still need that lightbulb moment and then the opportunity to follow it through. I often have to bite my tongue, especially as I exercise regularly and know how much better she'd feel if she did the same.

[arsenaltilidie]

And the passing the blame is from posters saying if my DH could do this...
Losing weight has to come from within and as a partner there is nothing you can do.
Saying anything about her weight will make her feel worse and won't change her attitude to food.

[pompodd]

foodie - you've been really helpful, actually. Just hearing others' experiences (particularly those like yours which are so knowing about the situation my wife is in) is a real comfort. Because it's further reassurance that doing what I'm doing is the best course of action.

[FoodieMum3]

You sound so caring, OP.

I was very overweight until this year (I've lost all the weight but it will always be a battle). When my dh first met me I was a tiny size 8-10. Even after dd1 I was still slim. It was not until after I had baby no.2 that I became very overweight. I too became a sahm and lost all interest in myself. I didn't see the point in wearing nice clothes, or getting my highlights touched up. I ate out of boredom and loneliness and eventually because I had messed up my appetite and hunger signals so much I was always starving and never really had a sense of being full.
Then I felt crap about how I looked so would eat chocolate to feel better. It really is a vicious circle and SO hard to break.

Sorry, this is about me but I get your wife. I understand her so much.

During that time, my dh never as much as passed a comment on the fact that I had gained weight, bless him. I know that he must have been concerned about me, because not only was my appearance different but my entire personality too.
I think it's probably different for all of us but I know that for me personally I would have been devastated if he had ever brought it up, no matter what approach he took, be it concerned about health, encouraging exercise etc. I was extremely defensive about it and would have felt ten times more hideous about myself if he were to bring it to my attention, either directly or indirectly. I'll also repeat what others have said above, we know we are/were overweight, we know how to lose weight. I'm a reasonably intelligent person, I know what healthy food is and how to cook it, I know about portion sizes, exercise, calorie control and I could write a book on slimming world, 5/2, etc etc.

I'm rambling now so I'll get to the point I'm trying to make. This needs to come from your wife herself. I'm not sure what it will take. There are several threads on the weightloss board here along the lines of 'What was your lightbulb moment'? Very often it's a health scare, a comment from your child, an old photo.
Your wife, IMO needs her 'lightbulb moment' and that's where you and your support come in.

I haven't been much help because I haven't actually given you any advice, just shared my own experience.
Good luck

[GnomeDePlume]

I think that it is helpful to recognise that comfort eating and low self-esteem may well be symptoms of an underlying problem.

[Zipitydooda]

I think doing things together really helps though I know it can be impossible with children to look after.

Personally I'd love it if my DH arranged someone to look after the children for a day. Planned bulk cooking, ordered all the ingredients and we could spend the day cooking together without demands from kids.

If he took some ownership of the family and household just a little. It's often a mind-numbingly boring job and I turn to food and caffeine. No one seems to care what I do and I see my DH 'switch off' when I talk about my day or stuff to do with the children.

I'd love my DH To come on runs with me. I'm trying to do the couch to 5K but motivation in cold weather is a problem.

Also I find when I have some time and space to myself just to chill out it enables me to reflect on my life and be more proactive rather than fire-fighting whatever gets thrown my way. Then I'm in a better mental state to be healthier.

[GnomeDePlume]

I think that it is useful for her to find out what she is comforting herself from.

There are various diet groups around but if you can afford it something personal to her might be more productive for her.

If she isnt confident then swimming could well be the worst form of torture.

Get cooking again but to make it a joy not a chore.

[arsenaltilidie]

Tbh there is nothing you can do other than to be there for her when she COMES to you for help.
She has to want to lose weight herself.
In most cases subtle comments will do more harm than good.

[pompodd]

Gnome - I think that's a good idea and worth considering. I will mention it to her and see what she thinks. I like the idea of her being able to do something (even if it's only talking at first!) that's just for her.

arsenal - I didn't think anyone on the thread was in denial or blame-passing, just explaining how a similar issue affected them. And whilst my wife was overweight when I met her, she has become much more overweight since (to the point where I'm getting concerned for her health). I don't think, in your terms, that means I "can't expect her not to get bigger". I never had any such expectation in the first place!

[GnomeDePlume]

Thinking that your DW's main problem is comfort eating has she considered life coaching or personal counselling? Having some time each week to talk and think about what she wants out of life.

[GoatsDoRoam]

You sound like a really lovely and supportive partner.

Keep doing exactly that. Your wife will take action whenever she feels able and willing. And when she does, having a supportive husband will be a big boost to her chosen action.

[arsenaltilidie]

There is no easy way to tell your wife she needs to lose weight.

But she was overweight when you met, you can't expect her to not get bigger iykwim!

Some of the denial/passing the blame on this thread is amazing. People are overweight because of themselves! Certainly not because they are busy or have no time to themselves. They are overweight because they like to nibble on unhealthy food.

[cottageinthecountry]

As long as you ENABLE her to have time independent or you and the children and you can take over completely. This is what will enable her to build her self-esteem, some control over her life, even if it's only once a week. You still haven't explained whether she gets any time to herself.

I would have found it incredibly helpful to have a whole day at the weekend from getting up to bedtime, when he would just take over. He didn't and any time off I had meant doing heaps of cleaning and picking up at the end of the day. My weight has gone up just like your wife's and I blame the fact that I'm always at the beck and call of others. It's not always about self-esteem.

[pompodd]

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate all the responses. I'm heartened that (virtually) everyone has said I'm on the right lines. I sort of knew (hoped?) that I was but, well, when you're worried about the other person it's helpful to have the reassurance and confirmation that you are thinking straight.

I think what I will do is pick a time over the coming holiday to have a good chat about how things have improved over the year and ask her the open question: do you think things are getting better in terms of how you feel and your self-esteem and what else can we be doing and trying in 2015 to make things even better? I hope in time she will have her lightbulb moment.

I will look into the 5:2 (I'd heard of it before but never really looked into it as I've never been a dieter myself). Whilst it's probably the sort of thing I'd like to do (and become obsessed by...) I'm not sure it would be my wife's idea of fun. Also, is it really a long-term "diet" or are you supposed only to do it for a limited period?

[HelenaDove]

At a 16 i dont feel or look frumpy. i feel great. But then its all perspective I was a size 28.
The key to it is not to worry about weight coming off or how fast its coming off. Because this releases the stress hormone cortisol which complicates and slows down weight loss.
The first time i treated it like i was a scientist doing an experiment (i wonder how much i would lose if i do this) i lost seven stone in seven months and BOOM ...........got gallstones. Two doctors and a surgeon told me it was losing weight too quickly that caused it. It took over a year to lose the last 3 stone. that was 12 years ago.

In the last 15 months ive lost 3 stone 9 going from a 22 to a 16. Not eveyone looks frumpy as a 16 Some of us have come or struggled down from a REALLY heavy weight and still have to put up with being made to feel its still not good enough. And yes i treated it like an experiment this time too. I spent a good few months excersising and a few months only doing moderate excsersise like walking and the weight still came off at the same speed.

OP do not encourage your wife to lose weight too fast because if she gets gallstones you will be doing a LOT of childcare. Because she will be rolling around screaming in pain.
Slow and steady is the healthy sensible way of doing it.

[Dowser]

Been to both SW and WW. Much preferred SW of the two. Lost the weight and kept it off . Might go up a few pounds in the summer but lose again in the witer.

It's harder now because I don't eat gluten. With SW I was never hungry whereas I was with WW.

I do hope your wife can do something about it. Nothing beats the feeling of picking up a size 12 or 14 dress and have it fit. I was a 16-18 before. I felt frumpy and I looked it. Course at my age I don't want to be too thin. I don't suit the hollow cheeked look .lol. So, keeping around what I am is about right.

You sound lovely OP.

[JT05]

Meant to add DH did it as well, for health reasons, although he did not need to lose weight. He lost a bit and has regained his youthful frame!

[JT05]

As well as playing on the sports Wii, I also did the 5:2. Great weight loss especially if you plan low calories days in advance. Have kept the weight off because it educates you about calories. Also my mantra was ' all movement burns calories'. Good luck.

[meadowquark]

After many years of trying to lose weight (which I did not or at least not in a long term) I found that too much focus on trying to lose weight only deepens mental issues with it. The only thing that helped me to change mentality and lose/maintain weight was 5:2, 2 days fasting a week which also has health benefits. Would you start doing it yourself for health, perhaps she would pick up on your example?

[tobysmum77]

two words slow...... cooker...... the solution to all lifes problems

[EugenesAxe]

Sorry I should have read more - yes I can relate to the cooking totally. I can cook really well but with a 5 and 3 yo and a DH that is always home at 7.45 or later, once children are asleep (which can be 8.30) I feel exhausted at the idea of spending 40 mins cooking (which it invariably is) and can often resort to processed food. Cooking together sounds good, or give her time to batch cook at the weekend.

I also agree that joining her in dieting sounds a good idea.

[EugenesAxe]

I'd be concerned she might be down or depressed - how much help does she have in the week? Just the stress of being around children that are bickering/noise making or that need cajoling to do the least thing can be very wearying. I would tell her you are worried about her spirit and see what comes out.

She needs to approach exercise little and often - it's easy to think you have so far to go there's going to need to be a Herculean effort to start. Simple things like power walking or jogging for five minutes then back again, each day, and building up that time each week. Once the initial inertia has been got over she may become more motivated anyway.

[GoddessWhoWalksEarthAsWoman]

As others have said you have been doing the right thing. But as to what to do now... I don't know if this would work for you. Last year I decide to do the fast diet for health reasons, (not to lose weight) but to lower Cholesterol, lower risk of diabetes etc. after a very sensible non-diety colleague told me that she was doing it and loved how it made her feel. I watched the Dr. Mosley horizon episode and mentioned to DH I was going to give it a go. I expected him to dismiss it as a fad. He didn't , he joined in. We have both lost weight and are now both much healthier on all sorts of indicators. Anyway suggest you have a read (Dr Mosley has a fast diet website and watch the horizon episode online) and see if you would benefit from it - Dr M was naturally quite slim too but wanted to get his cholesterol etc. down. Your DW may join in if you start to experience the positive effects that most others have... What do others think?

[OliviaBenson]

You sound lovely OP!

I just wanted to pick up on something you said up-thread. You say that you don't get in until after 7pm and don't feel like cooking. I imagine as a SAHM, your wife feels the same- she has been on the go all day too. I think if you can help make proper meals together as part of kicking the processed food/takeaways it will be a big help.

I lost 4stone 5 years ago now. My dH was lovely and really supported me doing it, but I had to reach rock bottom first.