My DW and her weight

[pompodd]

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, just looking for some female opinions, I suppose.

My DW and I are mid-30s and have been married for a little over 10 years with 3 DC - 8, 6 and 3. I'd say she has always been a slightly larger lady - she was a size 14/16 when we met. I've always fancied her and love her just the way she is.

But I know she hasn't been happy recently with her weight. The toll of having 3 difficult pregnancies and then being a SAHM since our eldest was born has knocked her self-esteem and she's put quite a lot of weight on - she's now a size 20/22. She's thinking about getting back into the job market and retraining as our youngest will be starting full time school next year. In the meantime she has been doing some volunteering which she enjoys and some writing/blogging.

I have never, in all the time I've known her (getting on for 15 years), passed any negative comment on her weight. As I said above, I love her the way she is, her beautiful (to me) body carried our 3 lovely DC and I've certainly changed too since we first met. But I guess I'm starting to get concerned about what effect this might have on her health and also the fact that she is clearly unhappy with how she looks. She has previously talked before about doing something - regular swimming, or an exercise class, or playing a sport with a couple of girlfriends but it never really comes to anything. She even bought an exercise DVD earlier in the year, used it once and then hasn't again. She also admits that she comfort eats if she's feeling a bit down with the sheer toil and hard work of looking after 3 kids during the week.

I'm just struggling with understanding what's going on in her head. It's obviously a very sensitive subject for her and she gets very upset if I ask her about it - i.e. if you want to do the regular swimming thing just let me know and I'll make sure I'm home that evening to do the kids' bath and bed. I suspect I'm very practical about these things - if something about my appearance bothered me that much, I'd do something about it. She is clearly a different person to me, and her self-esteem issues obviously make it more difficult for her to feel that she can just "do something about it".

Any thoughts? I know this is a bit of a ramble, but if you were in that position, what would you like your DH to do or suggest?

[fluffyraggies]

[ShutUpLegs]

Having been both a smoker and overweight, the tipping point for both was the same - something has to switch inside your head. For years, I'd done New Year Stop Smoking and Lose Xlbs by Y and nothing worked. I knew that smoking was bad for me, that I was overweight and unfit but until that little switch in your head flips over, nothing changes.

My DH was and is reed-thin and sporty and whilst I never felt he judged me, I felt the juxtaposition very keenly. He did encourage me to walk and cycle with him and was never judgmental about my fitness levels and was supportive without being patronising. But I was acutely aware of the difference and would try to avoid exercising with him if I could.

What triggers the switch I can not say. I remember waking up and thinking "As of today, I am not a smoker" and then again about 5 years later, "As of today, I am not fat". I lost 6 stone over the next year (and everyone laughed because I did it after our weeding and not before it).

All the advice to leave her to it is good. You can not make someone lose weight - you can only facilitate weight loss once they have decided to go for it. I agree that eating healthily at home will help - DH used to buy biscuits that he knew I hated (with my endorsement) so that I would not be tempted - and he kept his snacks & crisps in his car.

Creating space for her to think and become reacquainted with herself after these baby years is also paramount. Facilitate her "Me" time, listen to her and support her decisions - that is all you can do - but don't under-estimate the difference you will make by doing so.

[ThoughtItWasMine]

Do something together that isn't obviously exercise like walking or dancing.

[HelenaDove]

I lost ten stone going to slimming world. I went from a size 28 and 21 stone down to size 12/14 and 10 stone 12 pounds. Due to upheavals in my personal life i went back up to 16 stone 10 and in the last 15 months have gone back down to 13 stone 3 and a size 16 at the moment but still losing.
At 29 years old i could lose a stone in a month
Over the age of 40 its a lot slower. If someone described me as large now after all ive done i would be pretty pissed off to be honest.

However OP i think you sound like someone who is trying to help But dont tell your wife you thought of her as large as a 16. I dont think of myself as large. I feel good about myself and i used to comfort eat. I dont any more. This Xmas i shall do the same as last year Have Christmas Day Boxing Day and New Years Eve off plan and get back on it the rest of the time. When i got given tins of sweets and biscuits as presents last year i gave them away on 2nd Jan. I shall do the same this time.

I used to be a very big comfort eater. I had a stressful time in my personal life recently and didnt deal with it by eating.

But OP it has taken me years to get to this point. Its a long haul Its not a 5 minute job.

[pompodd]

Thanks again, everyone. All the responses have been helpful and interesting and given me lots to think about.

ShutUpLegs - that's an interesting comparison. My DW used to smoke before our first DD came along. I think maybe she used smoking partly to suppress her appetite and keep her weight under control. I'm guessing a bit, though. And I wouldn't want her to start smoking again (I don't and never have and have come to really dislike it!).

[HelenaDove]

Its all happened over the last 12/13 years.

[pompodd]

Helena - I didn't say that I was going to tell her that I thought of her as large. I never have thought of her as that. I've always thought of her simply as my lovely girlfriend and then lovely woman I married. I was just stating a fact: she's always been what you might think of as larger than average, always struggled to keep her weight under control.

[HelenaDove]

Then my apologies. It sounds like you just want to help and support the woman you love.

[pompodd]

No need at all for any apologies, Helena. I'm finding all the responses really helpful. Strange how responses from anonymous people on an internet message board can be so helpful and reassuring!

[ToffeeCaramel]

Not read the other replies, but personally the only way I can find the motivation to lose weight is by joining a slimming club. In my case I've found slimming world really good. Has she considered a slimming club?

[MisForMumNotMaid]

I'm a mum of three, been overweight most of my adult life. Above average pre DC but weight crept on post DC. This year I've joined a gym with my DC. I've not been in the gym bit but we swim as a family several times a week. They offer various classes for the children which means that when i get around to registering them for classes i may be able to have a quick spa on my own.

Taking the me time led me to realise I wanted to get my weight under control and I've dropped from a size 18/ 20 to a size 12ish with Slimming world, still a way to go to be a 23 BMI which is my goal. I never ever thought i'd join a slimming club but I love it. Someone at my group said its the hour and a half a week thats just about them, so true.

If my husband had suggested Slimming world I would have been hurt/ offended/ angry and lots of emotion from the years of self loathing would probably have spilled out.

Fortunately for him, he didn't. He just supported me and the DC in going swimming, encouraged me to get a new swimming costume etc so i felt good, then supported and encouraged me when I joined slimming world. He has carried a fair bit of extra weight in recent years and is now in the healthy range due to our change in eating regime.

I really feel the first thing that needs to change is self esteem. You need to want something for yourself to achieve it. Is there anything you could do to enable her to find herself a little? If your DC are little something like a short/ school hours day a week in nursery can make a world of difference in catching up on rest/ catching your tail and that buys mental capacity to work on other areas of life.

[JT05]

You sound like a loving supportive husband. All the suggestions on here are great and the fact that losing weighthas to come from within yourself is so true.

Have you thought of using a Wii to excercise, you could both compete at some of the sport games, table tennis etc.?

I did this as I hated the gym. It's fun, involves you both and all movement involves burning calories!

[OliviaBenson]

You sound lovely OP!

I just wanted to pick up on something you said up-thread. You say that you don't get in until after 7pm and don't feel like cooking. I imagine as a SAHM, your wife feels the same- she has been on the go all day too. I think if you can help make proper meals together as part of kicking the processed food/takeaways it will be a big help.

I lost 4stone 5 years ago now. My dH was lovely and really supported me doing it, but I had to reach rock bottom first.

[GoddessWhoWalksEarthAsWoman]

As others have said you have been doing the right thing. But as to what to do now... I don't know if this would work for you. Last year I decide to do the fast diet for health reasons, (not to lose weight) but to lower Cholesterol, lower risk of diabetes etc. after a very sensible non-diety colleague told me that she was doing it and loved how it made her feel. I watched the Dr. Mosley horizon episode and mentioned to DH I was going to give it a go. I expected him to dismiss it as a fad. He didn't , he joined in. We have both lost weight and are now both much healthier on all sorts of indicators. Anyway suggest you have a read (Dr Mosley has a fast diet website and watch the horizon episode online) and see if you would benefit from it - Dr M was naturally quite slim too but wanted to get his cholesterol etc. down. Your DW may join in if you start to experience the positive effects that most others have... What do others think?

[EugenesAxe]

I'd be concerned she might be down or depressed - how much help does she have in the week? Just the stress of being around children that are bickering/noise making or that need cajoling to do the least thing can be very wearying. I would tell her you are worried about her spirit and see what comes out.

She needs to approach exercise little and often - it's easy to think you have so far to go there's going to need to be a Herculean effort to start. Simple things like power walking or jogging for five minutes then back again, each day, and building up that time each week. Once the initial inertia has been got over she may become more motivated anyway.

[EugenesAxe]

Sorry I should have read more - yes I can relate to the cooking totally. I can cook really well but with a 5 and 3 yo and a DH that is always home at 7.45 or later, once children are asleep (which can be 8.30) I feel exhausted at the idea of spending 40 mins cooking (which it invariably is) and can often resort to processed food. Cooking together sounds good, or give her time to batch cook at the weekend.

I also agree that joining her in dieting sounds a good idea.

[tobysmum77]

two words slow...... cooker...... the solution to all lifes problems

[meadowquark]

After many years of trying to lose weight (which I did not or at least not in a long term) I found that too much focus on trying to lose weight only deepens mental issues with it. The only thing that helped me to change mentality and lose/maintain weight was 5:2, 2 days fasting a week which also has health benefits. Would you start doing it yourself for health, perhaps she would pick up on your example?

[JT05]

As well as playing on the sports Wii, I also did the 5:2. Great weight loss especially if you plan low calories days in advance. Have kept the weight off because it educates you about calories. Also my mantra was ' all movement burns calories'. Good luck.

[JT05]

Meant to add DH did it as well, for health reasons, although he did not need to lose weight. He lost a bit and has regained his youthful frame!

[Dowser]

Been to both SW and WW. Much preferred SW of the two. Lost the weight and kept it off . Might go up a few pounds in the summer but lose again in the witer.

It's harder now because I don't eat gluten. With SW I was never hungry whereas I was with WW.

I do hope your wife can do something about it. Nothing beats the feeling of picking up a size 12 or 14 dress and have it fit. I was a 16-18 before. I felt frumpy and I looked it. Course at my age I don't want to be too thin. I don't suit the hollow cheeked look .lol. So, keeping around what I am is about right.

You sound lovely OP.

[HelenaDove]

At a 16 i dont feel or look frumpy. i feel great. But then its all perspective I was a size 28.
The key to it is not to worry about weight coming off or how fast its coming off. Because this releases the stress hormone cortisol which complicates and slows down weight loss.
The first time i treated it like i was a scientist doing an experiment (i wonder how much i would lose if i do this) i lost seven stone in seven months and BOOM ...........got gallstones. Two doctors and a surgeon told me it was losing weight too quickly that caused it. It took over a year to lose the last 3 stone. that was 12 years ago.

In the last 15 months ive lost 3 stone 9 going from a 22 to a 16. Not eveyone looks frumpy as a 16 Some of us have come or struggled down from a REALLY heavy weight and still have to put up with being made to feel its still not good enough. And yes i treated it like an experiment this time too. I spent a good few months excersising and a few months only doing moderate excsersise like walking and the weight still came off at the same speed.

OP do not encourage your wife to lose weight too fast because if she gets gallstones you will be doing a LOT of childcare. Because she will be rolling around screaming in pain.
Slow and steady is the healthy sensible way of doing it.

[pompodd]

Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate all the responses. I'm heartened that (virtually) everyone has said I'm on the right lines. I sort of knew (hoped?) that I was but, well, when you're worried about the other person it's helpful to have the reassurance and confirmation that you are thinking straight.

I think what I will do is pick a time over the coming holiday to have a good chat about how things have improved over the year and ask her the open question: do you think things are getting better in terms of how you feel and your self-esteem and what else can we be doing and trying in 2015 to make things even better? I hope in time she will have her lightbulb moment.

I will look into the 5:2 (I'd heard of it before but never really looked into it as I've never been a dieter myself). Whilst it's probably the sort of thing I'd like to do (and become obsessed by...) I'm not sure it would be my wife's idea of fun. Also, is it really a long-term "diet" or are you supposed only to do it for a limited period?

[cottageinthecountry]

As long as you ENABLE her to have time independent or you and the children and you can take over completely. This is what will enable her to build her self-esteem, some control over her life, even if it's only once a week. You still haven't explained whether she gets any time to herself.

I would have found it incredibly helpful to have a whole day at the weekend from getting up to bedtime, when he would just take over. He didn't and any time off I had meant doing heaps of cleaning and picking up at the end of the day. My weight has gone up just like your wife's and I blame the fact that I'm always at the beck and call of others. It's not always about self-esteem.