fell out with sister over caring for elderly mother

[palamino]

My elderly mother lives alone and is increasingly frail. I live 4 hours away and work full time in a demanding job. DSis lives close by and works 2 days a week. I have arranged a gardener, cleaner, someone to help with personel care, and I visit when I can, usually every 2-3 weeks. As DSis lives much closer and only works 2 days a week, she is able to visit more frequently, and continually piles on the guilt that I am not visiting enough, she thinks I should visit weekly. I simply cannot do this due to work and other commitments. She is now not speaking to me as says I am not pulling my weight, which I find really sad as we have always got on very well. We will all be together over xmas, and I know there will be an atmosphere. I feel so angry that she is treating me this way. I want to make the first move to get things out in the open, but DH says it is up to her to make the first move as I have done nothing wrong, and it is her who should make the first move, as she has been incredibly nasty to me. It feels a bit like being back in the playground, I feel we should be acting like grownups and not like children!

thank you for all your replies. A lot of things suggested I am already doing, ie Skype, IM over I pad, phone calls. I don't expect my SIS to do any more than she is. My sister incidently spends a lot of time abroad during the winter, and is away at present. So in many ways the bulk of the stress falls to me, but it is not a competition to see who can be the best daughter, which is how my SIS seems to see it. When my mums needs increase, she is lucky in that she can afford to employ a live in carer, we have talked about her moving, but she doesn't feel she wants to leave her home and her memories, and I fully understand this. It would be difficult for her to come to mine as one of her problems is chronic pain which is frequently poorly controlled, and she would find the long journey difficult. I think the root cause is we both feel guilty that we cant do more, nowadays families often don't live close to one another and I am sure my problem is experienced by people all over the country. I am a medic, and see other families struggle in this way in my day to day job, its only when you find yourself in the situation that you realise how difficult it is.

I also think your sister is being somewhat harsh here because it is not your fault that you live several hours away from your mother. You are doing what you can given your own commitments.

I would be asking your sister why she thinks you should or it is necessary for you to visit every week now. This resentment of you may have been building up over time, years even and perhaps there is some stuff left over from her own childhood (if she at all feels that you in some ways were more favoured by mother). Your sister should be encouraging her mother to have wider social interests rather than using she as her main social outlet.

On a wider level can the amount of time the carers actually visit your mother for during the week now be increased?.

Re this comment:-
"When my mums needs increase, she is lucky in that she can afford to employ a live in carer"

And without selling her home to do this?. Have you really looked into this in terms of cost and duration, it could well cripple your mother (not just to say yourselves) financially in the long run. These people do cost a lot of money to employ, a hell of a lot and it may be actually unaffordable. It is something that my family looked into re my nan and the cost was truly staggering.

OP I was the one that was almost 4 hours away with a sibling just round the corner from my DM.

I visited almost weekly for years because my DM kept defying the doctors estimates on how long she had left having been diagnosed with terminal cancer. It almost broke me to be honest as I was mentally and physically exhausted all the time trying to balance that and a full time job so I don't recommend you increasing your visits.

I think you need a frank chat with your sister, perhaps she doesn't realise how difficult it is when you live that far away but equally she may be feeling stressed about what might happen in the future if your DM needs more care.

I was the relative close by with my Brother on a different continent and had a nightmare . But in this situation I think your sister is being unreasonable.

We had live in Carers for Mum, which didn't work out for her but she has Dementia and different scenario. One thing we learned from that is it is important to set up well at the beginning with sufficient space and privacy for the Carer. My FIL has live in Carers in Spain which is working very well .

I think when parents health fails it can alter the dynamics between siblings, guilt seems to kick in and all sorts of resentments brew. I would talk to her but accept she may not change her view but that is actually her problem and not yours.

OP the three of you need to sit down and talk this through. Put bluntly it isn't the responsibility of either of you. It's what mum wants and you can do. You arranged the external support but who is paying for it? That may be an issue for your sister, maybe she thinks you are spending mum's money?
Physically visiting more often seems difficult but as previously suggested telephone, Skype and so on are viable options. Also see if there are any lunch clubs mum could join Age UK might have information.

All I can guess is she is she feels burden that she has to visit her mum weekly while you don't have this 'problem'

I suppose if I was her I would feel guilty I only saw her once a week and if there was a sibling there, your mum would have more company???

The fact is you see her quite a lot for living four hours away!! I am sure your mother would not want you feeling stressed over this so don't allow your sister to guilt trip you.

Well, even if your sister is being unreasonable, I don't think it would be wise to follow your husband's advice and play this power games as to who should break first and address the topic.

You have known your sister for a lifetime, so you will know best if this is typical stroppy form or if this is unusual. If it's the latter, it is probably driven by anxiety about how things will play out in the future. She might just need some reassurance that she won't be abandoned to the caring duties when things move on, even though this might be obvious to you she might just need to hear it.

I hope things go well and you are able to have a nice Christmas with your family.

I say if you want to make the first move with your sister, then do so.

What's the point in holding out for her if it's upsetting/stressing you?

Perhaps your sister feels she has to visit every week & would like "permission" to miss a week on occasion?