Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

NC mother wants to see me

11 replies

perfectpeach · 18/12/2014 20:07

I went NC with my parents 7 years ago and my mother is currently in my city visiting other family and my brother has contacted me to say she is sorry for all that has happened and wants to see me, she doesn't want anything from me, just wants to see me. She returns to her own city tomorrow.

I have said no. I let her back in my life so many times and each time she screwed me up that little bit more. Since going NC it is like a dark cloud has lifted and I don't want anything to spoil the good place that I am in right now. It's just raised so many questions, I feel I should, but then I know it will send me into an emotional maelstrom which I really don't need, especially right before Christmas. She will never change, I have already given her so many chances. I am angry that yet again she placed my poor brother in the middle.

Just need a hand squeeze. Thanks

OP posts:
Hissy · 18/12/2014 20:12

stay strong. you know if you went back on this, it would be back to square one.

the question is what's changed? if you've heard it all before, then stay strong and don't bend.

Quitelikely · 18/12/2014 20:12

Seven years is a long time, could it be possible that she has realised the error of her ways? A lot of folk on here will say no but perhaps your brother might be the best person to ask.

Also if it was me it would depend upon what the behaviour was

Hissy · 18/12/2014 20:14

have you found the Stately Homes thread? we're all in similar boats, sometimes siblings are used as 'winged monkeys' but you just have to listen to your gut, your instinct and those that love you and make you feel good.

Tobyjugg · 18/12/2014 20:22

You went nc for a reason. Has anything happened to make you nb: you want to change that? If nothing has then say "no thanks" and stay happy.

Original poster
perfectpeach · 18/12/2014 20:26

I don't even know where to start quitelikely but there is a lot. I am currently having counselling, I only just feel strong enough now to do it and through talking it's triggering even more memories that just make me relieved I am out of the whole, crazy dysfunctional mess that is my parents. She is abusive and manipulative in the extreme, I was in care when I was young, due to both my parents, I shall just leave it at that and you can get an idea of what they are like. They won't change.

I have found that thread a while ago Hissy I need to revisit it I think. Thank you

OP posts:
GingerbreadPudding · 18/12/2014 20:28

Hand squeeze. I'm NC with my mum and I dread similar contact in the future. Stick to your guns. Thanks

StickEm · 18/12/2014 20:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
perfectpeach · 18/12/2014 20:57

Why did this have to happen at this time of year? Christmas is always hard for me anyway. Everyone is talking about big family meals and going to visit friends and family. Whereas for us, my kids only ever get presents from me, and maybe something little from close friends of mine so they never get as much as their friends, it is always just us over Christmas, no one to go and see, no one to come and visit. Bah humbug! Why did she have to do this NOW?!

OP posts:
Baytree · 18/12/2014 21:06

Well they do like to take their emotional opportunities don't they? Link in with any significant event etc..? That explains the NOW. From you post I would say you need to simply say no thanks.

It will get better. I used to spend all my time on SH thread and now I find myself on good housekeeping too!whatever next! Sending you a big hug as I am sure she seems really reasonable to the outside and some of your family. You know you need to protect yourself from her and there is nothing wrong with putting yourself first.

As for noone to go and visit-make it a place to go and visit instead-stately home, ice rink, cinema, horse charity.... make your own traditions.

NorksAreMessy · 18/12/2014 21:19

If you say NO you will feel so much stronger and take back another bit of control.
You can then use the fact that you can and have said NO to her to further your resolve if she tries it again ("I said NO once, nothing bad happened, I can do it again")

...and a huge Aunty Norks Squeeeeeeze from me :)

Meerka · 18/12/2014 21:25

You need to follow your gut and your head here.

Has she ever apologised before? (and frankly, can you trust your brother to tell things as they are, or would he put a nice gloss on things?)

What do you actually want? would you like to be in contact if she was genuinely sorry? Real, deep, change-her-behaviour-and-outlook sorry? Or have you had enough?

If she has genuinely apologised, genuinely changed, would you be willing to open the door a crack, for example to receive a letter from her. or do you find that changed or not, you simply want no more to do with her?

If you feel she could treat you as another adult, then it could be worth giving a chance. If you think it would go right back up shit street, then it's not. You've already given her many, many chances. "should" stops weighing heavy after the 100th chance has been trampled on.

Most of all, what you want is what's important here. Hold onto that.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page