The reason you are getting such a hard time is because many of us, me included, are living every single day with the fall out of our husbands affairs.
I am very sorry for your abuse, but there is always a reason, always an excuse and it doesnt make the pain we bear any easier. Does the fact that you have a disordered past make it easier for her to know you willingly and deliberately had sex with someone else, made an emotional connection with someone else and didnt give 2 shiny shites about her while you were doing it? No.
Does it mean that considering the past you thought you had, the future you thought you would have and the reality of life as a single mother potentially going it alone is less painful? No.
Your issues dont change the fact that you have hurt you wife beyond endurance to the point where she may never want to be in a relationship again. That is her reality and your reasons for cheating are frankly neither here not there, you did and thats all she knows and cares about. The fact that you were abused will be something that she cares about, but not in the context of your affair. She will be thinking of the two things completely seperately and whether that is right or fair isnt really the point if you are trying to repair your marriage.
I suggest that rather than focusing on trying to win her back, you focus on your therapy in order to truly heal (as much as anyone can after abuse), and be the person you want to be. Her coming back wont make everything ok, and it will take a very long time for you to come through the journey of acceptance and recovery from your abuse, so promises about having dealt with your baggage in order for her to come back are false and cruel, to both of you.