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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner Texting

25 replies

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 10:19

I recently found out that my DP has been texting another woman. To give you the background:

We had been going through a distant patch for a few months. I know I was struggling with the relationship for a number of reasons and as a result I pushed him away. I didn't want to have sex, didn't really want to spend much time with him, found fault with him all the time. I prioritised going out with work friends over him, and yes, didn't always behave 100% appropriately (flirting). A lot of resentment built up on both sides and it became really hard to talk about 'us' and I did feel like our relationship was becoming vulnerable to attention from the opposite sex.

We recently went out for his birthday and something he said whilst drunk put me on alert. I took his phone to look through it while he was asleep. There was nothing on it, but when he woke up I asked him if he was seeing someone else. He looked really shifty, couldn't look me in the eye, and said no but he had been texting someone for a few weeks, but had knocked it on the head when she wanted to meet up. He was pretty defensive and I had a gut feeling he wasn't telling me the truth, but I don't know, we were both hungover and he was put on the spot.

I ended it on the spot, but then needed to get some answers so got back in touch. I said I just needed him to tell me the truth, I didn't care if it hurt me more, I just wanted to know. He was quite adamant he had told me the truth. We have been talking since. He isn't being defensive anymore and seems to be answering all my questions openly. He said it was an ego boost at a time he felt very distant from me. He didn't tell me because he knew she was interested in him and that made it wrong. He maintains he did not meet up with her and the texting ended once she wanted to meet him as he told her he couldn't because he had a girlfriend. There is nothing on his phone to back this up either way - not even her phone number.

So here we are. We have talked a lot and I feel like the underlying resentment has been cleared now. I just don't know if I'm being a mug believing him. I do feel like perhaps we were both behaving selfishly/inappropriately at the time but it's hard to know he engaged in and concealed something from me for weeks.

Any advice anyone?

OP posts:

CogitOIOIO · 18/12/2014 10:38

What were the reasons for you 'struggling with the relationship'? How long have you been together and what does 'DP' mean in this context..... do you live together, have children, own property?

Because, to me at least, you sound like two people who are only with each other in the absence of something better coming along. Makes you both easily distracted... could be some game-playing going on.... and it may be that things have simply run their course. Once you can't trust each other, it's usually best to move on.

Twinklebells · 18/12/2014 10:39

Impossible to say. But he is not likely to tell you he was unfaithful is he. Especially now he seems to have got away with it. If you were pushing him away he should have ended it before pursuing someone else. Don't blame yourself for his behaviour. How could you trust him in the future after this?

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 10:49

We've been together for a couple of years. Live together, no kids. The relationship moved very fast emotionally at the beginning so I have been struggling with keeping up with this. Tried to keep him out if you like, to protect myself. I've been pretty hurt before (and so has he).

I feel really sad it's got to a place of no trust :(

My head says this can be sorted and my heart is just so confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 10:50

Come to think of it, I'm don't think either of us has ever trusted the other completely. We have always been an insecure couple.

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CogitOIOIO · 18/12/2014 10:56

Whatever happened to you in the past, two years of mistrust and insecurity is not the sign of a good relationship. The longer it goes on, the more ties you have, the less easy it becomes to walk away and the more time you waste. The right person would have improved your self-confidence in two years, not made it worse. You wouldn't both be out there flirting with other people if you were convinced this was going to go the distance. If things moved faster than you were comfortable with at the beginning, that's usually not a good sign either.

The crunch question is 'where do you see this going?' Children? Marriage?

YoullLikeItNotaLot · 18/12/2014 11:02

Yes it is possible it was just texting, an ego boost. Not going togo into details but this happened with someone I know very well. It was just texting. And yes, the txts were flirty/suggestive, but I do know it went further. it was a form of escapism when that perosn's relatioship was rocky. This couple have been able to move on.

Whether your DP was just texting, I couldn't possibly know. You seem to either think he hasn't done more and it is your lack of trust which may be an issue or he has and your lack of trust is well placed - neither of these options are particualrly healthy.

Also, I wondered if he knew that you had been flirting when out? I'm not sure there is that much difference between what you did and what he did.

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 11:05

Well I hoped so, but I'm not sure how much that is based in fantasy rather than reality. This always happens to me in relationships. I get to a certain point of openness and then I push them away or get really insecure. It's like I can't tolerate it for any period of time. I've given up thinking it's about meeting the right man because I've been out with so many of them.

OP posts:

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 11:07

Hi YoullLikeitNotaLot. I'm confused reading your first para? Was it just texting or did it go further?

I agree, I don't think my behaviour was much different.

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YoullLikeItNotaLot · 18/12/2014 11:10

Sorry yes - I meant "I do know it DIDN'T go further" - sorry for that! .

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 11:14

I do want to commit. I just don't know how to. I feel like fear dominates my life in so many ways. Relationships, job, future. Anything that involves making a change. Bleaghh

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intlmanofmystery · 18/12/2014 11:16

Not quite sure what you're asking here. From your original post it doesn't sound like you enjoy(ed) spending time with him so why are you in this relationship? I agree with youllikeit, not sure why you are questioning his behaviour when it sounds like you've done the same?

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 11:27

I do enjoy his company. I do like him as a person. I struggle to let anyone in, not just him.

I agree my behaviour hasn't been great either. I suppose it feels different because I didn't hide anything. He knew where I was at all times and who I was with. I wasn't texting anyone and then deleting the evidence. Perhaps I'm splitting hairs.

I think I want some reassurance it's worth making another effort to try again.

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CogitOIOIO · 18/12/2014 11:44

There's no-one can give you that reassurance. Making an effort when someone can't be trusted is an extremely difficult row to hoe. If you struggle to let people in and your life is already filled with fear, you will find it very stressful and anxiety-making to opt for someone in you can't trust.

Your own behaviour is not a reason to give this another shot either. Two wrongs really don't make a right.

In your adult life, what's the longest period of time you've spent being single/independent? You sound like someone that needs the affirmation of another person in order to be confident and those people either let you down or you get the jitters at being too close.

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 11:47

I've had a couple of periods of about a year each of being single/living alone.

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CogitOIOIO · 18/12/2014 11:50

What is your experience of independence? Do you see it as something negative? A 'failure' or a temporary thing to be endured when you're between relationships? Or do you embrace it and enjoy it as a positive thing?

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 11:57

I would say historically I have struggled with it and seen it as a negative and temporary thing. However I did start to feel more positive last time I was on my own. I enjoyed looking after myself well and was quite protective of my space. When I met my current boyfriend I was reluctant to give that up because it felt so safe (although perhaps rather narrow - I didn't socialise much).

I also worry now because of my age (34).

OP posts:

Jan45 · 18/12/2014 13:12

It's not sounding good if you are like this after just 2 years, not saying you shouldn't give him another chance but the trust is shot now and you will never know the extent of his relationship with OW, never.

What I would be worried about is what happens when you next hit a blip, will he do it again?

In my book, no matter how bad communication gets, going behind your back seeking thrills with someone else is just not acceptable, you never did that did you, and you probably were resenting him for a good reason so don't be too hard on yourself, it's him who has fucked up here.

intlmanofmystery · 18/12/2014 14:22

Gosh, sometimes I wonder if I read the same posts as everyone else?! Wondering, I think Cogits words of wisdom are very sound and you need to find happiness within yourself and not rely on others for it otherwise you will have difficulty breaking this cycle of wanting to get close to someone and then getting scared and pushing them away. See if you can find ways to boost your self-esteem and make yourself more resilient to change.

As for your relationship only you can decide whether to draw a line under everything and move on or whether it has run its course. If you've talked everything through, including why the relationship went downhill, then you have a good chance. If you are always going to have nagging doubts, cannot let it go and keep picking at the scab then any future with this guy may be more difficult. Good luck!

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 15:02

My head's all over place with this. I keep flipping between "i think he's telling the truth/texting isn't that bad/I do want to be with him" and "OMG what if he's lying to me and I end up with a man who betrays me again and again"

Will this eventually calm down and then I'll know what to do or what I want? Is it about making a rational decision of 'Drawing a Line' or waiting until my emotions catch up?

OP posts:

arsenaltilidie · 18/12/2014 15:35

I pushed him away. I didn't want to have sex, didn't really want to spend much time with him, found fault with him all the time. I prioritised going out with work friends over him, and yes, didn't always behave 100% appropriately (flirting)

Its funny how some people manage to find excuses for behaving like a cock.
You took him for granted, another woman has shown interest and that stirred up a few emotions.

It's clear you don't want this man.
You weren't exactly happy; why prolong this train wreck.

Morticia45 · 18/12/2014 15:37

Dear God, what are we women like?? Give yourself a bit of space and time and think about what YOU really want out of life, NOT what society in general deems to be 'successful' or not. If you don't want to be in a long term relationship then don't be. As long as they're honest and you're happy when you're in them, then short term relationships may be the way for you. If you decide that you do want something long term then you need to know that it's going to be hard work at times.
You sound like an honest and open sort of a person, one who has been burnt in the past and is a little afraid of being burnt again - welcome to the club! Sadly, there is no 'age' when things become 'clear' regarding relationships, it's all a bit 'hit and miss' but you can, at the very least, enjoy your life and the experiences you get from it! Best of luck! xx

Original poster

Wonderinglady · 18/12/2014 15:49

There is truth in what you say arsenaltilidie. I didn't want to behave like a cock. I have tried and tried to work out why I was struggling to be close, and to talk to him about it but it seemed to get me nowhere.

OP posts:

intlmanofmystery · 18/12/2014 16:43

I'm glad arsenal raised this point - sounds like you completely disengaged and shunned him and then get all upset when someone else shows an interest? You can't have it both ways. I usually get shot down in flames for making such comments so am glad someone else has for once...

Jan45 · 18/12/2014 17:27

Ok, you were behaving shitty towards him, sounds like as far as fidelity goes the worst thing you did was flirt, him, on the other hand has taken it further, and tbh you have no idea if he's had sex with this woman, he's deleted her number so you only have his say so for it, I'd find it very hard to believe he stopped as soon as he thought she was interested, why else were they texting then?

He's adamant, well he would be wouldn't he, he isn't going to admit it. Personally I'd be wanting her number to check it was indeed nothing but a friendship.

arsenaltilidie · 18/12/2014 17:30

Wonder what's done is done, I think to be ready for a relationship you have to open up to the possibilities of being hurt again. Maybe in your gut you knew he wasnt the one.
But importantly there is nothing wrong with being single. Maybe new year, fresh start?

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