Please help me with this

[Postcardsfromtheedge]

I am separated from my husband. We don't communicate and I know I should start divorce proceedings but I can't face it but I don't want him to divorce me.

If I start divorce proceedings can I take it slowly? He won't be reasonable about a settlement....

Any advice?

It is a slow process anyway.

Go and see your local legal firm. They are there to support you through this.

Your GP can also offer links for support emotionally.

What are you afraid of OP?

I have had such a dreadful time in the last few years of the marriage that I feel that I need time to recover. I am expecting him to be so unpleasant that I just want it to go slowly so that I can stay in my home long enough to save up for a place of my own.

ColdCottage - how slow is slow? I am worried about some sort of fast track divorce with me not being able to get a fair share of the marital money as I wont be strong enough. I don't have much money and would probably have to do the work myself mostly. He is a high earner.

So sorry to hear that, postcards. I really feel for you xxx

Have you had any counselling? I think it would help.

Was there domestic abuse in the relationship? It doesn't have to be physical abuse.

Talk to [http://www.womensaid.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KEQiA8MSkBRCP5LaRlcOAusMBEiQAiqldkqElLQiFdJ78HyOPFQnJSKbhowCliqIXBssVm4aTi-0aAkSb8P8HAQ Women's Aid]]. Your distress is not 'too silly to bother them with'. Abuse is not just hitting. Just talking to them doesn't mean you have to do anything you don't want to do: it's about obtaining support and information.

Its worth you starting the divorce because if he starts it, as the petitioner, he can apply for a decree absolute 6 weeks and 1 day after the Nisi is granted. If YOU are the petitioner than he can only apply from 3 months AFTER the 6 weeks and 1 day have expired, so 4.5 months after the Nisi is granted.

If he refuses to cooperate with financial issues then the court can stay the granting of the Absolute but that will cost more. www.terry.co.uk/div_ar04.html

Do you have anything on record anywhere (GP, police, HV etc) about abuse? If you do then you are entitled to legal aid and if he is being an arse then you really do need legal advice.

I suggest you see a solicitor asap to get their advice. Oh and if you are feeling like a bitch, see every single one in your town that offers a free half an hour. If he then approaches them then they cant represent him as it would be a conflict of interests as they have already advised you.

I know it's daunting but, sweetheart, anything you save up will still count as a marital asset until you are divorced. You will have to declare your finances and everything goes in the pot to be divvied up, meaning that he will benefit from them. Courts don't want to make people homeless - part of their remit when it comes to divorce is to try to keep people off benefits (better for the tax payer that way). Go and get some advice. Take a friend for support. Write all your questions down before hand so you get the most out of the appointment.

If your ex is out to be a dick, he'll already be planning his campaign. Don't get caught on the back foot.

If your ex is out to be a dick, he'll already be planning his campaign. Don't get caught on the back foot. I

You know you can get a free first half hour with a family lawyer? You can go to a number of lawyers and get that half hour - you'll be amazed what they can crack through in half an hour. Then you'll know where you stand, which in itself lessens the stress.

Stick with a lawyer you feel comfortable with but also has the killer instinct. That's important. It's getting the balance right between one you feel has your corner but you know will fight to the death if required.

I think if you told your story you will get a lawyer/s who will get the bit between their teeth. Lawyers are human and have an emotional response to an unfair fight.

Yes your savings count towards marital assets but as said above the courts want you comfortably housed and aim for a sensible settlement incorporating the earning power and age of each.

How are you, Postcards?

My advice would be not to aim for a slow divorce because it's expensive. Instead - if you can - put your weight behind mediating things like finances and contact arrangements, take the time to get that right and then, once the details are agreed, divorce quickly. If your ex is hostile or you're struggling financislly you may not have a choice.

Thanks everyone. There has been nothing untoward he just makes my stomach churn and he is so entitled that he will never be able to see my side of things. I think he will want the house to be sold asap. I have to house 2 children with no means of getting a mortgage at the moment as I would be excluded under the new rules. I did speak to one solicitor and she said that the house should be kept until the youngest child finishes university. Is that correct? I thought it was 18...