Can't get over finding out he was talking to girls online

[Coleen1988]

I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years and 4 months now and last month I found on his iPad numerous chats with other girls about 20 months ago. The content was shocking and it's ruined my trust in him. I confronted him and he put it down to virtual attention seeking. I was going to end it and he was absolutely distraught and given the duration we've spent together, I thought I could forget about it but over the past week it's been playing over and over and I can't look at him the same. I don't think he's ever took it further but how can I believe that now? I love him but how can I ever trust him again? I never had any indication that he was like this and despite it being so long ago, the pain so fresh to me in what was otherwise a fantastic relationship. I can't look at him the same now I feel. Can I get over this?

If you haven't by now, and the pain is still as fresh it was then, then I think its fair to say you never will. I don't think we ever truly forgive, we just learn to live with what we think is worth the pain and compartmentalise whatever happened.

If it isn't working for you, then there's nothing wrong with you saying so and not forcing yourself to try and live with the shitty actions of someone who isn't supposed to hurt you in this way. Just because it happened a long time ago, it doesn't mean you should have forgiven by now.

I hope you find peace with what happened whatever road you choose

You had your reasons for searching on his iPad. He did this almost two years ago but if you can't move on be honest and end the relationship.

I just tried to block it out because everything was perfect and now it's surfaced I feel worse about the whole thing. I do believe he's genuinely sorry too...

Has something happened to make you think about it again?

Well I hadnt seen him in a few day and we had a little lovers tiff and that set me off. I've also struck up a friendship with a guy that's my dads map friend since then. I feel like I have to get some revenge and I don't know why I talk to him but he's friendly enough. Suppose I wanted to feel him to feel the pain too. The guy was charming and it made me feel wanted after what my boyfriend did to me. He found out and questioned it many times but I told him if I wanted to tell him about it, I would have.

Hmmm sounds like it would be best for both of you to call it a day. Sorry OP but sometimes once the trust has gone it has gone.

Gutting though given how good it was between us without him being immature and selfish by typing chat to girls

Girls or women?

Depending on your answer this could be even more serious.

How young are these girls? As you say the context was shocking, I'm guessing obviously underage.

It's a horrible thing to do, but showing this level of interest in children should be reported to the police for them to investigate as grooming for child abuse.

Lol no nothing at all like that, I just used the term girls collectively. They were all of age. It was just shocking for me to read. Things like 'you've got some ass on you'.

Women of course! Lol I'm only 22 that's why I used that term

Twenty two year old females are Women.

Omg it was one word. I've enough issues without being corrected over one word thx

This happened to me and I tried to forgive. Twelves months after my discovery and his pleas I found he was doing it again. Pathetically, I still tried to get over it. In the end he broke up with me. I wish I'd left sooner. I don't know if it's really possible to rebuild trust. Leave now and go yourself a big favour x

Ah now I get it, you want to justify being emotionally unfaithful to your boyfriend. Just be an adult and end the relationship.

My first 'proper' relationship was with someone who constantly did this (whilst cheating in real life too!) He just couldn't ignore or turn down any female interest.

It smashed my confidence and has had a knock on effect in all of my subsequent relationships as I constantly suspect due to the fact my ex's behaviour was so shocking and unexpected! I forgave and we tried to work through it but he repeated the behaviour down the line and it got to the point where I just briefly acknowledged it and then pretended it didn't happen just hoping we could go back to how we 'were'. Things will never go back to that.

I genuinely hate the thought of myself in that relationship, I wish I could go back and tell myself how much better than that I was. I was the same age as you are now, please dont put yourself through this. You deserve so much more and it's not too late to get out and move into a relationship where you can trust again.

Just end it while you've got no ties to each other.

It wasn't an attempt to correct. It was genuinely about how I read your post, given the combination of shock and choice of a term that normally refers to children. I was glad to note that you are not after all dealing with manifestations of paedophilia.

You don't have to trust him again. he's been keeping all this secret and is a self-confessed thrill seeker, after private kicks. That doesn't strike me as a good indicator of someone who actually long term, committed monogamy.

The question for you, Coleen, is what sort of relationship do you want? And in the light of what you know now, do you think he wants the same things?

For him it was years ago, for you only a month. Suggest counselling and give it some more time, but also suggest he gives you space to work things through. Do what you feel is right for you and I hope he makes the effort needed to get your trust back. If he doesn't, you've had a lucky escape.