Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling sad

18 replies

lastlostmonkey · 17/12/2014 11:21

Am just feeling very sad right now. DH is friends with a female colleague, and I've had uneasy feelings about the relationship several times. We've talked and he's reassured me they're just friends etc. and I've had to apologise for being jealous, and felt bad that I've been suspicious when he's found someone he gets on well with.

I snooped (not proud) after accidentally seeing some texts and found they've been texting each other all day, every day, for months. Nothing inappropriate, but kind of intimate and like they're having a little private jokey chat, and some 'I really like talking to you' stuff. When I talked to him at first (before looking at his phone) he lied about the level of contact but has now said he agrees it's not appropriate, and he just couldn't see it.

I feel so sad about it. We've talked it through and he is going to limit contact but it doesn't help the feelings. I can't believe he made me feel so bad for questioning it, rightly as it turned out. We've been having a rough time lately but I felt we were getting stronger. I know those kinds of relationships can be intense and alluring, but I just feel so sad and often angry with him. And yet nothing's actually happened.

OP posts:
nrv0us · 17/12/2014 11:24

That does sound sad -- what else is going on in your relationship? You allude to a 'rough time'. I'm just curious to know the context of this situation. (Also, how long have you been together? Do you have kids?)

Original poster
lastlostmonkey · 17/12/2014 11:29

We've been together 11 years. Two DSs, one still a toddler. I think it's just been the usual stuff of dealing with small children, work etc.

OP posts:
CogitOIOIO · 17/12/2014 11:30

I also wonder about the context. You say nothing's happened but what's 'happened' is that your relationship hasn't been going well, you've challenged him about it and been made to back down several time, the trust has broken down completely and now you find that he's got a too-close relationship with a female colleague after all. I'd say that was a pretty sad state of affairs. Once you can't trust a partner, there's not much to hang onto.

UptheAnty · 17/12/2014 11:33

I feel really sad for you.
This happened to me recently so I understand how you feel.

It's the disloyalty.Sad

Do you think he's being honest about the extent of there relationship?

nrv0us · 17/12/2014 11:35

When you talked it over and he said he would limit contact:

  1. Limit it to what?
  2. Did he seem genuinely sorry?
  3. Do you believe him?
Original poster
lastlostmonkey · 17/12/2014 11:56

He doesn't know what to limit it to, just fewer texts I think. I think he still wants to do things with her as a friend. He did seem genuinely sorry. I dot know if I believe him. Down times he says he didn't realise what was going on, but then why lie? And sometimes he says he was meaning to talk to me about it but why would he feel that if he felt it was all normal friendship stuff? I wouldn't be surprised if there is a bit more to it, but don't know if I feel robust enough to ask him.

OP posts:
Original poster
lastlostmonkey · 17/12/2014 11:56

Gah, 'I don't know', and 'sometimes', not 'down times'.

OP posts:
nrv0us · 17/12/2014 11:57

What were your previous 'uneasy feelings about the relationship' based on?

AutumnDragon · 17/12/2014 12:06

Get hold of a copy of Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. It helped me and DH see that what he was doing was wrong, and I know it has helped many women here.

By "Limit contact" he must mean NO CONTACT as he is having an emotional (at least) affair and he has to stop if your marriage is to work.

Original poster
lastlostmonkey · 17/12/2014 15:41

It was based on the amount of time they seemed to be spending together, that once or twice he'd mentioned later in a casual way that she was there, when I'd thought he'd gone on his own, and one time when he came back hours after he'd said he would be home, didn't respond to texts or let me know what was going on. No reception, apparently. :(

OP posts:
Original poster
lastlostmonkey · 17/12/2014 15:44

autumn, thank you for the recommendation. I think he won't see it as as serious as that and so unwarranted to cut all contact.

OP posts:
AutumnDragon · 17/12/2014 17:07

But it is this serious. If his feelings for the other woman are more important to him than the feelings for his wife, then he has his priorities well and truly wrong.

In my case, DH made me feel like I was in the wrong, he was hurt that I didn't trust him, he couldn't believe I checked up on him etc With the wonderful help of this site, and the great recommendation for reading that book I made him see that his behaviour was very wrong. He was stunned that I was more than happy to leave him over this. He had to beg me to let him stay. He had to go NC immediately. He had to be totally transparent with phones, emails etc. And, he had to agree to never lie to me again about anything however minor.

I think men see being physically unfaithful is worse than being emotionally unfaithful, but I feel it is the other way around for women (just my opinion, but certainly true in my case). DH was putting far more into his "friendship" than he was into his marriage, yes we had issues, but perhaps if he was unhappy he should have said something to me.

Your H has to accept that you feel his relationship with this woman is unacceptable and change his attitude. If he can't then this will continue, but be more covert, and if it hasn't already, it will become physical.

AutumnDragon · 17/12/2014 17:09

Sorry, a bit more of a rant Grin

he lied about the level of contact If he knows this is innocent then he shouldn't need to lie. The very fact he kept something like this from you, by it's very definition, means he has something to hide

WillkommenBienvenue · 17/12/2014 17:16

No no no no no. You're supposed to be his friend. Not Some Woman At Work.

Be firm with him, very firm. He needs to prove to you that you are his best friend. Get him to explain what's happened to her and then block her completely. This woman needs to get a message spelt out very loud and clear. I couldn't imagine chit chatting with Some Married Bloke From Work all day every day for months.

I suck my teeth at him.

viruswithhold · 17/12/2014 17:17

Trust your gut instinct on this, I too have had a similar situation. He has lied to you on the amount of contact he having with her, alarm bells should be ringing. Shirley Glass book is good re boundaries unfortunately a lot of men want the thrill of it all, another woman and their wife sat at home. He has betrayed your trust! Can u live with the consequences of that.

viruswithhold · 17/12/2014 17:19

"nothing has happened" it has op he lied to you, he should of been texting u not another woman.

glammanana · 17/12/2014 17:48

Never mind "nothing has happened" you need to stop this now sweetie,stand up to him and insist all contact finishes and he focuses all his spare "texting" time on you and your DCs,if it was me I would also go as so far as warning her off my husband in a few rather polite and to the point words,its your's and you little ones future you are looking after.glamma x

NeitherHereOrThere · 17/12/2014 17:54

Agree with PPs who say this is an emotional affair. He is investing far too much time, energy and effort into this friendship instead of his marriage.

Read this link with him

New posts on this thread. Refresh page