dh won't help at home and complains a lot

[Tibbytibby]

What to do? sorry for long post but...
I have been with dh for 5 years and we have 2 children ds aged 2 and dd aged 9 weeks. I feel that our relationship has been deteriorating for about a year, but this has largely coincided with mil living with us to take care of ds while I worked - so I put a lot of our problems down to having mil in the house all the time.
However, since she went away in mid-september when I started my maternity leave, things have not improved.
I feel that all physical closeness and affection has broken down between us. I feel that dh has no concern for my wellbeing, physical or emotional.
I feel dh is very critical of how I bring up ds; and he is now increasingly critical of my ability to keep the house clean and tidy. When I have asked about why he is angry with me or critical of me, and what has happened to any affection, he says it is because the house is so untidy and I am so chaotic and disorganised that he can't be affectionate or positive towards me.
dh works part time and is trying to set up own business from home but without much to show for it so far. I'm on maternity leave, but when I'm working i work more hours and have a slightly larger salary so contribute more financially to household costs.
I am beginning to feel rather desperate: stuck in a relationship that seems dysfunctional physically and emotionally, and doing the vast bulk of household tasks: looking after 2 small children, cooking, washing, cleaning, shopping etc. and being criticised for doing it all badly.
I'm really wondering what I can do to make things better, but when I've said this to dh, he dismisses me by saying I need to get organised and clean the house more. I already have practically no free time, while dh can watch a film and more everyday. I am starting to resent this. If I ask for help directly he is bad tempered and will either not do what I ask, or do it with incredibly bad grace.
I would be grateful for any advice/similar experiences!

He sounds selfish, miserable and downright unpleasant. Forget how to make it better and instead tell the idle bugger that you're not his mother, you're not his maid and if he doesn't like the way things run he should either start earning enough money to hire some staff, get off his arse and shift himself, or find himself somewhere else to live......

Don't tolerate it

He sounds like an arsehole.

The thing is, for a situation like this to improve, you both need to put the effort in to improve it. Otherwise he's just taking more and more from you and you're using every bit of energy you have trying to compensate for his lack of effort.

Make or break time. If I were you, I'd lay your cards on the table, organise a fair division of household chores and let him know what the consequences will be if he continues to treat you badly. If he loves you, it'll wake him up. If not, he might improve for a week, or maybe just get arsy with you and continue as he has been.

How was it before you had DCs, did DH share household tasks with you, may I ask? Also, I wonder how he reacts if you find fault with his efforts, i.e. have you made the point to him that his business makes little money?

If he can't be affectionate or positive towards you, that's a miserable life - for you.

So you aren't each having the same amount of down time? And he thinks this is OK? And he thinks he gets to tell you what you should be doing? Is he your boss?

Tell him to do the fucking cleaning himself.

All the husbands I know would move heaven and earth to support their wives with a 9 week old baby and toddler. He should be trying his best to ensure you are rested and coping.

He's expecting to work part time and spend time on a project part time but wants you to run the house completely and do every dot of child care? That doesn't seem a fair split of jobs.

Next time sit down and watch a film when he does. If he he complains, tell him you are having a break just like he is. If he needs the house tidying he needs to employ a cleaner or get off his arse.

What Cogito said.

Why do his needs and wants matter more than yours, in his eyes?

Thanks to all the replies. I am very grateful for people taking time for that!
Having read all this, I'm thinking some kind of schedule and list of tasks would be helpful and see where that takes us initially.
Also wondering whether he is really struggling to cope with family life and gets away from that struggle by saying it is me that can't cope and is disorganised. Maybe trying to see it from that perspective will help too.
I feel so weak to say it, but I don't mind doing all that I do if he didn't complain about it. Before the children came along, I still did more-or-less all household tasks, but probably a bit more thoroughly because of not having 2 very small children to look after.

I just don't see what is in this for you ?

relationships are meant to be two way, to be mutually supportive

It simply sounds like you and him are housemates who don't have anything in common except a couple of kids

You would still have that if you ditched him

Looks to me like there's only one person in his life - him ! If he's such a bloody expert at everything then take a leaf out of his book. Only do things that involve/impact upon you and the children. He can cook his own meals, wash his own clothes, tidy up his own mess etc.

I know you're thinking you can't do that because he'll complain, say nasty things to you, criticise you - well he's doing that already, so what do you have to lose ?

I suspect his problems are deeper than you allegedly being untidy and chaotic. Do you think the shine has worn off since you had children ? It sounds like he's disengaging from your life as a family of four. He wants to set up his own business, but you've got a toddler and a tiny baby, not exactly great timing on his part ? He wants free time while you provide the childcare and keep his home tidy. Also, his ability to be affectionate and positive is conditional upon your ability to be organised and "keep house" !

Maybe you need to ask him if the whole housework/being tidy "enough" is really the issue here. I'm sorry you're having such a tough time.

Tell him that if he wants the house to be tidier, he can tidy it. He is neither your boss nor your owner.
Unfortunately, he sounds like one of those men who consider women exist only for men's benefit and that all domestic work is 'women's work.' This attitude is almost impossible to change and it's generally better to get rid of the man in question.

It's touching that you're still trying to rationalise away his appalling attitude but I think that soft pedalling, seeing things from his perspective and pandering to him like a servant will only earn you more contempt. Bullies must be stood up to..... not appeased and certainly not excused.

OP - I feel so sad for you. You seem like such a nice person, even trying to find (honestly quite bizarre) excuses to justify his behaviour.

The fact that he has had the gall to equate the tidyness of the house to whether or not you deserve affection is utterly vile.

He has no respect for you being stressed and pulled to the limit. If he did he would get off his arse and actually help you. If he genuinely gave a shit about the house being clean, then he would be happy to HELP YOU when you ask him to do something.

But more than that, he works PART TIME, doesn't help with the kids, and has the sheer gall to criticise you?

Frankly, I would be telling him the house will be much easier to keep clean without him trolling around, so if he could kindly fuck off to his mother's for a few weeks, I'm sure she will happily follow his every step with a dust pan in hand.

Seriously. If he isn't going to help, and is only going to criticise then tell him to go fuck himself.

It's not going to be a permanent thing, but you need to do something to show that he is being a total and utter pillock of the highest order.

There's being kind and reasonable. Then there's being a doormat.

Think carefully which side you are currently falling on.

What Cogito said!

Has having his mum to stay changed your relationship? How did he act before? Was he just as entitled and lazy? have you tried pointing out that you earn more than he does? Why does he think he should have more free time than you do?

I'm sorry - it sounds desperate - and he sounds like a real bully. He can't be affectionate to you because you're disorganised?

So he expects you to look after the babies 24/7 and maintain the house as you did pre children?

Tell your so called husband that children come with certain responsibilities and that includes practical responsibilities that take time. Unfortunately for you he has not stepped up to this role and has decided you should do it all.

Really? I don't think so. How dare he treat you this way! Are you going to tolerate this? Please don't.

You are currently doing as a single mother would, what will happen when you go back to work?

Tell your dh not to fight against the stress and difficulty of having young children, it's best to accept that it's going to be hard for the next few years and roll his sleeves up otherwise by the time the dc go to school you will be simmering with resentment and bubbling with rage at his lack of support and interest.

He can only get away with it all if you let him. Remember that.