How do you stop expending mental energy on someone?

[softlysoftly]

I have come to the logical decision to cut someone out of my life. This person has formed a major part of our families life for years and while their words string you along with hope their actions have damaged us as people and as a family.

To cut them out I need to let go the fact that their life will be enhanced by my time and work and I will see no benefit from it despite their verbal promises.

So logically I have told myself I need to accept that loss, accept my reputation will be damaged by not fighting and accept they will never keep their promises.

Logically.

But my illogical brain keeps obsessing, it's taking my mental energy away from my kids. I will see their success again it's not as simple as never seeing them again so how do I kill off these obsessive thoughts now and when I do see them. And how do I let go of hope and go no contact?

accept my reputation will be damaged by not fighting

Can you explain this above comment.

It sounds like your reluctance to accept this person for who they are is tied into how you view yourself.

How do you stop expending mental energy on someone?

Spend it on something else.

It takes time, diversion and effort. The best method to stop obsessing about something IME is to fill your time and your thoughts with something more absorbing and constructive. Literally shrink down the amount of time that your mind is idle. Consciously choose to do things that make you happy and be with people that bring you joy. Eventually - and think in terms of months and years - the person you're trying to leave behind will become just a bad memory

Isetan I've only just really seem who they are rather than who they project themselves to be.

The only way I can explain the statement is imagine you are an architect and someone you consider as close as family says "build me an amazing house because I need it to impress people and get ahead in my chosen career, I'll get ahead and along the way I'll show what an awesome architect you are so we both grow and work together ". So you build an amazing g house you plan and dream together and then when it's built they dissappear and you find out that they've claimed the house as their own. To justify it they tell people you made mistakes in the foundations and they built it all alone so they can prosper in their chosen career and not take you too.

They then realise that they forgot they need the window keys off you so come back into your life and sat that they never intended to take credit for your building and if you just hand over the window keys they will absolutely and definitely be fulfilling all the dreams you planned together. After all you are like family and they would never betray you "

So I'f that made any sense do you expend more energy on hope that it's true and hand over the window keys and go through the emotional rollercoaster again because you know deep down they are a lying narcissist. Do you expend energy trying to convince all these people that actually you made no mistakes you were the builder and feel all twisted up inside as you see them progress.

Or do you chuck the window keys in the river and somehow learn to try and ignore the slights to your reputation and the success they have gained while your life has been negatively impacted because anything else gives them more of your life and energy?

Cogito that is great practical advice thanks.

Keep the keys as a bargaining tool.

I've gone NC with my grandparents. I don't expend any energy on them because I stopped caring or letting it bother me...easier said than done until you come to terms with it.

I had to stop obsessing about the behaviour of a close relative. As soon as she entered my thoughts I forced myself to think of something else. I didn't let my thoughts finish of the scenario. Sometimes my thoughts would wonder back, but I'd do it again and again and it worked for me alongside keeping busy.

In your case I probably wouldn't be able to let it go, I wouldn't be able to sit back & let someone profit from my efforts. Letting go is probably the best thing to do but personally I would have to fight back.

Alter the keys so they won't work and then hand them over and ignore them from that point onwards

Assuming whatever you meant by keys can be altered

I'm NC with a close family member and it was the best thing I ever did. You only get one life, don't let them take away your time with your children. I would give them the keys, and let everyone know exactly what they have done.

this sounds like my cheating lying STXH. I'm sure he has convinced everyone that I am behind his behaviour - he is well respected in his profession so it couldn't possibly be him- must be the mad DW who's been on ADs for the last 20 years - now I know why. He is gradually closing off all channels of communication so I will only be able to deal with solicitors and will hopefully run out of money before I can prove what he is really like. I am in the same mental place as you torn between wanting to fight him and show everyone the true person and giving up for my own mental wellbeing.

interested in the replies

It depends on what the actual situation is. Could you share what it actually is? Although you feel it's irrelevant there are always people on this board who can offer new perspectives on situations that we thought weren't possible or just didn't exist