AIBU to ask DP to come home early (ish) from Xmas party

[mammammio]

OK so DP has got his second Xmas party this eve, the big one was last week (night away, 5am bed and v hungover) to be fair he kept in touch with me all night and gave me no concerns to worry about what he was up to / whether he was OK.

I am 28wks pregnant with DC2, both I and DS1 are sick at the moment with a bad cold, nothing major, we will live but generally finding it a bit tough to get up and to work in the morning.

Tonight is DPs team party. It's a meal and drinks I think with his small team of 8 colleagues. Tomorrow I have to get up at 7am to go to Edinburgh for a work meeting and for my own Xmas party, which is a meal/drinks. I will be leaving at 9pm to get the last train home (I didn't want to stay over as not sleeping well now).

I asked DP this morning if he would be OK to get the last train home (meaning leaving the party at 11ish) he said he thought it would probably be an early finish anyway but wasn't sure. I could tell he was annoyed I had asked.

So I have since (via email) pointed out the reason I ask is when he comes back late it always wakes me up / I often struggle to sleep when he is not here as I suppose I anticipate being woken. I am sleeping badly anyway now due to baby kicking, getting up for a wee etc and i find when I am woken i find it incredibly hard to get back off to sleep. I tried to explain this (nicely) by saying he has had one 'big party' already where he got to drink as much as he wanted / stay up all night and that I thought it was reasonable to ask he come home earlier tonight so that I can sleep because being pregnant is hard sometimes.

Is this is a reasonable request or am I being a selfish cow? I should add in general he is good at getting up to look after DS1 and is generally quite considerate but I still feel as if my life has many many more restraints on it that his does and sometimes feel this is unfair.

It's not the OP's hubby's fault she doesn't sleep well BUT he knows she doesn't sleep well and surely given the constraints on her (DC1, work, pregnant) he should be happy to make her life a bit easier?

Last train home at 11pm sounds just fine, especially for a weeknight?

My life is similar at the moment (although I am 35w and haven't been sleeping for months. But I still work FT and have a toddler) so if the occasional night on the sofa helps me get some decent rest my OH will happily oblige.

I don't see the big deal, the OP isn't asking him not to go??

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

You have to get up early the next day to travel up to Scotland, and you are going to have a pretty shit evening if you get woken up at 4am by him stumbling in, and are subsequently exhausted for your own party.

I'd say if he wants to sleep in the main bed, then get home by this time. If he wants to stay out to the crack of dawn, then for the love of god don't wake me up and sleep on the sofa bed so I can get a decent night's rest.

I think if it was THE christmas party, then I'd be more inclined to say "come back whenever, but you're on the sofa bed". But to be honest, he's already gone out and partied with absolutely no limitations whatsoever.

Christmas isn't an excuse to suddenly not give a single consideration to your partner's schedule and work plans.

Why should he be able to stay up until the small hours in the morning and completely ruin your ONE work party the next evening, by insisting he stay in the "comfy" bed? That's not compromise, that's just being a dick.

I think the sofa bed option if he wants to stay out later is fine.

Then he gets to choose his priorities and you get your sleep.

Win/win.

I vote sofa bed too.

I had insomnia when pregnant with DC2 and had a difficult toddler and worked FT. I was barely functioning.

I remember DH once coming to bed after me and turning the light on to read...I didn't get back to sleep for FOUR HOURS.

After that he agreed to read in the lounge before coming to bed

We have had 3 years of very bad sleep due to DC1 and have long since abandoned any pretense that we sleep in the same bed. We sleep wherever the whole family will get the best nights sleep. Sometimes together, sometimes DH on the sofa, sometimes DH in DC1's bed and DC1 in with me (if he is ill for example)

Ok your DH will have one uncomfortable night. But you have months of uncomfortable nights. Yes I know he can't be pregnant etc. etc. but still he can help you out in other ways, like sleeping on the sofa.

Yanbu.

Either he's in early or takes the sofa bed. I think either of those options are fine. No, Christmas parties don't happen all the time but nor will you be exhausted and pregnant all the time. :)

Old gimmer here.We've survived 47 years together by compromise.In this scenario,if he does insist on coming home late,then he should use the divan in another room.God knows how many late night/early morning falling south this has saved over the years.As I said,old gimmer,old enough to think it odd that he's in touch with you all night when he's out with colleagues That's the last thing that either of us would do.Hope it all works out anyway and good luck with your soon to be lovely baby.

I got back last night absolutely fucking shitfaced but
a) didn't crash & smash about
b) slept in spare room
c) still got up & put the rubbish out, tidied up the house etc
Think that's fair. I'd carry the baby if I could.

What time do you normally get up for work? 7am isn't particularly early for a work day.

I had a thread here a few months ago from the other perspective (I was the one going out late, DH was the one wanting me home early coz he can't sleep when he knows I'll come in and disturb him).

The consensus was that sleeping in the spare room would be perfectly fine and that he shouldn't put a curfew on me.

He wasn't pregnant tho

I'm surprised people think yabu

My dh has his work party today. It starts at lunchtime. He's booked a taxi to bring him home for 8pm.

Yes some will go on later but dh knows I'm really worn out at the moment. We have three young kids including a baby that doesn't sleep. It's the weekend before Xmas and we'd like to have some fun together as a family. He doesn't want to bein bed all day ttomorrowfeeling poorly.

The op is carrying his child, dealing with another little one. He has already had a bignight out, I think he's being utterly selfish. It's not so much waking her up but rather I bet he won't help much tomorrow.

I also don't understand the need to keep drinking and partying to the small hours. He's an adult, not a teenager. He has responsibilities to his family.

Finally as another poster said, it's not a contract. It's about love and respect

I've got to say once we had kids both me and the wife knocked late night drinking on the head, I actually run a club night and we have an event on this eve, I'll have a meal and a few drink the wife will join me later..
At 2am we'll go home sober and get up in the morn and go tidy up, pick the kids up from the sitter and carryon with our day..
Whilst walking to the local last week it was sad to see people throwing up in public and acting foolishly whilst drunk... We live in a lovely village..

I think once you have kids life has to change to behaving with a bit of common sense instead of getting leathered because everyone does it and it's party season...
I wonder how many marriages/relationships are going to be ruined this xmas because alcohol has effected their judgement and they've ended up doing something stupid or neglected their families and what kind of an example is it to set for their children...

I have nothing but contempt for the reckless drinking culture that surrounds us.. Dickheads..

Will dp need to look after your dc tomorrow and if so what time from?

Absolutely Frankbough

I find it sad that fathers (or mothers) think it's okay to drink until the early hours, wake up their spouse and expect them to deal with the house and kids all the next day because they're hungover.

Then if someone complains about it, they're criticised.

If it was his only xmas doo I'd say leave him to it. He's been to one and been up until 5am once already, he's still going to the other and doesn't think it should be a late one anyway so it shouldn't really put him out.

No it's not his fault you are suffering in your pregnancy, and your child is ill, but neither is it yours, you can't exactly chose who carries the child lol. I'm 36 weeks pregnant, I literally had to force my OH to stay out later last week. Was travelling to a friends house at 4pm, said "don't worry I won't be home later than 8pm" I was like are you being serious? Not even worth going! he still only stayed out until 9pm because he wanted to make sure we were both settled lol. Bless..

Everyone's different, but unless you are of the demanding/curfew nature on a regular basis, I can't see why he can't compromise this one time.

Sleeping on the sofa is a compromise, and if he over does it it's only going to be him that suffers. You're going to be leaving early in the morning so it's not as if you can pick up the parent duties for him!

But if you have a bad cold and you are already struggling at night, it may not be wise travelling to go to your own work's Xmas doo either, or you "can't be that ill"

I'm not going to mine, and I'm not ill, just pregnant and fed up lol!

And frankbough love your comment. In fact me and my OH knocked it on the head whilst planning for our little - un and haven't been "out drinking" since, and used to do it every weekend... neither of us enjoy it anymore.