Is DH being unfair?

[theruntsnextdoor]

Have a newborn 1 month old. DH does all the cleaning, cooking and washing. I do all the baby care, EBF, night feeds, nappy changing, winding and comforting.

I haven't left the house yet apart from during the day for 10 min bursts and out to a restaurant with DH for a meal (with baby) a couple of times.

DH works from home so is around all day, but quite preoccupied with work. He sleeps well because he isn't woken in the night. Since the birth DH has been going out for football practice then drinks with friends up to 3-4 times a week. He's never out later than midnight on these occasions but I have whole stretches of time completely alone with the crying baby (up to 12 hours) unable to do very much except sit in front of the TV because hands are tied up holding/comforting etc.

I feel upset about this but I don't know if I am being over emotional. His life basically hasn't changed but mine has dramatically changed. DH is being a housework machine - cooking all my meals (leaving them in fridge when he goes out), washing all clothes, bed sheets, tidying up after me etc. I don't know if I am being ungrateful?

Does it sound fair to you that he is out this much and leaves me alone with a newborn?

I completely understand how you feel. My little guy is 3 weeks old and I feel completely stranded if DP even goes upstairs for a long while, let alone out all day. Just his being there us such a comfort and relief. I tell DP all d him. Our DS is high needs.

He works from home, he's not out that much at all!

It's always hard when you have a new baby to look after constantly, but I can't see what your husband is doing wrong. Most women don't have their partners around all the time after they've had a baby because they go out to work for hours every day. You need to try and get out and do more for yourself. Having your DH around even more isn't going to help you feel any better.

excuse me, I tell DP as much as possible how i appreciate him.
You are vulnerable right now. Let your DP know you need more from him. Give him bonding time alone with your dd.

I know it's cold but get baby one of those ski-type suits and a papoose and get out and about, it's what I did with my DS. With DD she had no choice but to be out and about after 2 weeks old as I had the nursery run to do.

Regardless of what he does around the house he seems to have delegated looking after the baby to you 24/7 which is unfair. It is easier to get stuck into chores than looking after a newborn baby so don't let him get into this routine and excuse time away from the baby because he is doing housework

I don't know why everyone's turning this around on the OP needing to go out more. Yes, that might help her feel less isolated, but she will still be doing all the sole care of the baby 24/7 and alone in the evenings. Besides, 4 weeks post birth and doing all the night wakings, she might not have huge amounts of energy to run around town.

I assume the 12 hours refers to the fact that her DH works all day, doing nothing with the baby, then does chores and goes out til midnight, so basically 4 days a week she is on her own from morning to midnight with a newborn. Yes lots of people have to cope with similar but it doesn't really seem necessary, just for football and beers.

I've just re-read the OP and it reads like the OP isn't bothered about the decision of labour at all, just that her DH goes out leaving her with a newborn (as is the case in most households when fathers go out to work) and that she doesn't go out.

He sounds like he is doing great with the basics but everyone needs a break. Do you need a haircut, manicure, to go shopping?! Do you have a gym membership? If you needs break then make arrangements. For what its worth I didn't go out for almost two months when dd was born. She had colic, I was tired and they have at least two growth spurts in that time so I was doing a lot of feeding. It will get better, it improves after 6 weeks but I stick by my first point, if you need a break tell him! He is entitled to down time/ his hobby and so are you. X

What's stopping you going out? He is certainly pulling his weight with domestic chores. Just talk to him about it.

You should really be going out during the day with your baby. Go for a walk. It's not healthy to stay indoors for the best part of a month.

I personally would have loved it if my DH had done that much housework when our daughter was little but due to him working two jobs as well as medical issues Ive ended up doing all of the housework as well as 90% of the childcare of our 3 month old. I think you are very lucky in that regard.

Echoing what others have said; get yourself out during the day. Baby groups are great as there isnt any issues with BF and if your baby cries the whole time then you generally get much more sympathy as other people are in the same boat. Plus human contact is excellent. :)

I think it's wrong to tell the op she's lucky or needs to 'woman up' because her partner does more than a lot of other men. It doesn't excuse anyone that there are a lot of people who do less. We should expect men to want to do as much childcare as we do! Don't applaud them for doing tiny little bits

Firstly I think the two of you need to re-divide the chores. It seems strange that he doesn't seem to do anything with the baby. But if he is doing some of the baby stuff, then it's only fair that you do some of the household stuff.

Why don't you cook a few times a week, and he can bathe or feed baby whilst you cook (two words: breast pump). Or you can clean the bathroom whilst he tries to get baby to sleep for a nap. Whatever.

On the going out, I don't think it's fair to expect your DP to be chained to the house at all hours - you can go out during the day when your DP is working. You might not WANT to, but you have that choice, and whether or not you choose to take it, is up to you.

I think DP going out once or twice a week is fine, but four times a week without you is too much. If he can go out that much, then he should be going out at least once a week with you somewhere (take baby. Go to a bistro or wherever really), which will also give you an opportunity to get out whilst having some support with the baby.

Your partner seems to be doing more than his fair share in the house, but that doesn't mean that he can continue to live life like some kind of bachelor. He's a parent now, and leaving the wife to look after baby whilst he fucks off down the pub 4 times a week isn't on.

Wouldn't surprise me if DH actually doesn't get much of a look in with the baby and is being as supportive as he can be by doing everything else. Might be wide if the mark here but that's my impression.

I think the OP needs to instigate a redivision of labour. Her DH is doing far more than I'd consider fair and it's still not enough because the balance is wrong.

I think she needs to suggest she does more round the house so he can get a chance to bond with the baby and she get time away from the baby too.