Starting again later in life - a pitfall or two

[LoisPuddingLane]

I'm feeling a bit sorry for myself today so this thread is partly just to get it out of my system. I moved to a foreign country a couple of years back, at a quite advanced age, and got myself a nice job which I really love. I was very lucky as I'm not qualified for anything and my foreign language ability is not great.

So I've moved around a bit in the time I've been here, which has made settling in difficult. I am now quite settled, I think. Although today I'm having one of those "jack it all in and head back to the UK" days, although I don't think I really want to.

It's for stupid reasons: one of my colleagues was extremely rude to me the other day. I thought I was being helpful in a situation and she just said "don't interfere, it's really disruptive". Whooa. OK. I was a bit taken aback as we normally get on ok and I know that I do my job well. I don't particularly want to bring it up with her - rather just let it go. But it's left a bit of a dent.

And I've got a friend who is a pretty good friend - includes me in lots of stuff and is very hospitable - but she makes digs at me. At my accent when I try to speak the local language in restaurants. At other things too that I say or do - and not in a smiling, teasing way - more a sort of disapproving, impatient way. I smile and laugh it off as if I couldn't give a shit. It's very weird, but I sometimes pick up an air of "Well everything's fallen into your lap, hasn't it", which isn't true at all. I do like her but I can see that this might eat away at my self-esteem after a while.

I'm trying to keep my sense of self as an ok person intact, but it feels hard at the moment and old messages come through from childhood (not good enough, no-one likes you, etc).

I know I need to make more friends really. I find that quite hard to do, as I'm not that sociable. But that's what I'll do in 2015.

Sorry, just feeling a bit low and self-pitying today.

You moved to another country 'at a quiet advanced age' yet you find making friends difficult. Confused?

I'm going to share my ramblings with you, as I seem to be the only one about at the moment, for what they are worth

Ok. So don't think that by packing it in, and coming back to the UK it will all be different, cos snappy and superior colleagues are a fact of life (I work for myself so am lucky that I avoid this, lol). I believe in counselling terms, this is called 'doing a geographical'. Moving to get a better situation that is based on an ideal scenario and not real life. I've done it myself, and it didn't work.

It is hard making new friends. I live about 100 miles from where I grew up, and IME a lot of people are still in the school groups they grew up in, so even 100 miles can make it more difficult. I'm not trying to be cliched, but book-groups, knitting groups, local history groups etc are all ways of meeting new people. Hope you feel better soon.

Have you ever uttered something like, 'Oi, don't you dare talk to me like that'?

Might be liberating at your 'advanced' age. (I expect you are about 40.)

Thanks for your replies.

I'm 52 :)

Fingeronthebutton, I'm not sure why you are confused. One can have an adventurous spirit (or mid life madness) without being particularly good at connecting with people socially. It's always been something I'm not terribly good at. I do like this friend, but I've noticed the little put-downs more and more. Tiny things, but they accumulate.

Yes LineRunner, I should definitely say something. I suppose I'm worried about losing what social life I do have here. Daft really, if it's making me feel a bit shit. Uncrushed Parsley, yes, I am getting Xmas/NY out the way and then looking at groups that interest me.

I also need to work on my 2nd language, so I don't feel so rubbish about that. Learning a language in mid life is HARD.

I'm a friendless person so I'm possible the worst person to give you advice on this but I do think you need to stand up for yourself a bit or these people will walk all over you.

It doesn't mean getting aggressive or anything. So for example with the friend who gives digs maybe a well timed 'What did you mean by that' might be enough to pull her up on her behaviour.

I recommend tracking down a copy of 'Live alone and like it' by Marjorie Hills. It's available on Amazon. It's from the 1930's I believe and the advice is light hearted but firm. I'm married but I treasure my copy as I'm a bit of a reclusive misanthrope to my own detriment and it gives me a good kick up the bum from time to time!

You are a year younger than me, OP! I find it an ideal age to be kick-ass in a mellow kind of a way.

That sounds like quite a fab book. I just had a look at a review of it.

I'm trying to think of an appropriate response to Friend. For some reason "What did you mean by that" doesn't really fit the things she says. I'll give an example - I used to write a blog and in fact that's how I met her. I said that I was surprised to get comments on the blog and she said, as if correcting a simpleton, "Well that's what blogs are for". Well no, that wasn't what it was for in my case, and I said as much.

So I do respond, but it can get a bit wearing.

hello Lois

The way I think about what people say is I try to think of water running off a ducks back. 99% of the time i can handle the good & the bad comments. however there are the odd days where one small comment can be the straw that broke the camels back !

Secondly, however well you know someone you never know what they are going to say to you. Sometimes people say things that you are not expecting them to say

Maybe try some new hobbies or volunteering to meet new people

Just be yourself

A friend once said to me, try something new, you might like it & the people, if not move onto something different. It has worked for me so far !

Good luck and hope this helps

I think it takes time to meet new people.....who actually last.

This friend doesn't sound like someone to trust. She sounds like a good laugh but someone you will have to watch out for periodically. So, change the way you are with her.

Re the colleague, we all go thro things like that at times, where we are spoken to roughly. It may be about her, not you.

What I'd do if I were you would be some self esteem work. And enjoy where you have moved. If it is somewhere not, then I am jealous xxx !!

This friend isn't really a friend, but a frenemy ... and according to a recent BBC report they can actually be seriously bad for your physical health due to stress.

So it might be and idea to be a little bit more reserved with her, careful what you tell her - nothing too personal.

Im expat too, moved when I was 15 years younger than you are now. Was a rocky start that I've never really recovered from, lost a lot of confidence.

Have you got any interests that there might be clubs for? That might help, to have an external interest to bond over.

and ... I also need to work on my 2nd language, so I don't feel so rubbish about that. Learning a language in mid life is HARD YES! it really is!

Sorry, didn't see the replies on here till now! Thanks for these.

Interestingly, the frenemy (great word) is very similar to someone I knew (and ditched) in the UK. It sometimes seems as though one goes through life and different people play the same part, like in a long-running soap.

I do need to "enjoy" my adventure more, I know. It has been quite tough so far, with ill health and stuff. But I'm lucky to have a good job and a nice flat.