Advice needed. Should I stay with my partner?

[Jimjams88]

Advice needed and honesty appreciated.

I have been with my partner for nearly 2 years and I have a 4 month old baby. We have fun together and get alone well most of the time but I just feel he doesn't notice or appreciate me any more and quite frankly I find him quite throughtless.

When we found out I was pregnant he was brilliant, he moved to my area and we bought a house. He pays all the bills and I don't have to worry about money at all and he works very hard. But when I was pregnant I suffered very bad mourning sickness yet got no sympathy or help at all. I worked long hours full time, did all the cooking and cleaning, he never lifts a finger, and over Christmas was dragged through several social functions, some until 4 in the morning ( we were away with family so I couldn't leave, and I was also taxi) and there was no consideration for me. Now we have baby I am finding it quite difficult with the lack of sleep and keeping on top of day to day life as he does not lift a finger. I have spoken to him several times but I get nothing, he says he does help and he tries his best. But his best isn't good enough, doing the washing up after being cooked for isn't much help. He never gets up in the night and now is growing very little affection towards me. I have told him I have been feeling very low but don't get much of a response. I also have missed all of my social activities planned over the festive period due to being so tired and worn out but he has attended all of his sometimes going out until 4 in the morning. And last night was the final straw, I was crying and saying how tired and upset I was so he finally agreed to look after baby all night. To which I woke in the night to find baby crying for ages and him in bed awake, when I asked what was going on he said is was letting baby cry it out, something which we don't agree to, he just couldn't be bothered to deal with baby. And when I went baby was just hungry, fed and when straight back to sleep?

I am unsure what to do. I am starting to feel like I hate my partner and I am feeling so miserable.

It doesn't sound as though you knew eachother too long before you got pregnant. Could it be you're now finding you're not that keen on eachother?

If not, my BIL & SIL got pregnant quite quickly (about 9m after meeting) and had to buy a house together just before baby was born ect- it was very very hard. It's hard for any couple but of you've never lived together it's even harder as you have so much to adjust to.

This is an aside, and I definitely don't disagree with posters saying his lack of empathy is the real problem, but I just wanted to share that I and most people I know found ~4 months to be the absolute hardest time. I don't know how the baby's sleeping is but the 4 month sleep regression hits the majority of babies and is horrible. However it does end! And it definitely isn't the time to start sleep training.
Anyway I know your post wasn't about your baby but you could be right in the depth of the worst time at the moment so when it passes, and it will, everything will be a bit easier, whether that's finding a way to communicate with your P or finding the strength to leave him.
Best of luck making the right choice for you

Hi Jimjam,

Well done for identifying that you are not going to put up with this from your partner. It is demonstrates a lack of respect. Unfortunately it's only when you have a baby that some men reveal themselves for the misogynists they are at their core. That seems to be the point where their values shake down and you see what they really think about the relationship between men and women. A very shocking thing to discover.

It may be that he (even subconciously) feels that as soon as you have a baby the woman reverts to traditional domestic role and that the man assumes all the power. Obviously you have not been consulted about your new subordinate role! He really is treating you like shit and he seriously needs to change his behaviour if there is to be a future for your relationship. You deserve to be congratulated for not letting this go on much longer. Your baby is only 4 months old, that means that you haven't let your own self-respect slide.

Like joysmum says - you can ascertain that it is not merely a communication issue - and I'm pretty sure you have communicated your feelings very clearly to him. So now it is a respect issue. He is showing a total lack of respect for you. Tell him you are not going to put up with it. Tell him his behaviour seriously challenges how you think of him as a partner and that you are questioning whether he really is committed to being a good father or partner to you.

Tell him his behaviour shows a total lack of respect for you as a mother and as his partner, and you won't put up with it.

If he calls you a nag, then that's just a coward's way of dealing with being told something he doesn't like. He can't shut you up like that. He needs to step up. At the moment you feel like a single parent. Babies are a huge responsibility - did he think life would just carry on as before?

Finally I'm not surprised you're miserable - anyone being treated like this would feel miserable! You are not overreacting. He is being hateful. And I'm glad you know it's not good enough. You may be exhuasted and sleep-deprived but you've got a good sense of your own value. Stay strong.

Absolutely agree with Poppyfield

Steady on. You have a new baby, which as we all know changes everything and you don't see straight. I'm not suggesting your Partner could not be more helpful or sympathetic, or that your concerns are not valid, but just think of the alternative you are talking about here - splitting up, sharing your child every other weekend, being a single parent. It's lovely coming on MN and getting validation for your quite justified concerns but a relationship is a two way thing, and what Joysmum says, men look at it differently from you. Talk to him, explain how you are feeling, agree a few things he can do to help you (he does the washing up already! Mine never did!). You exhausted and so don't start making big plans right now. But give him a chance, you admit you get on well most of the time, don't throw all that away - and he's the father of your child. You owe your baby the chance to make it work at least. I hope you work it out - new babies put a strain on any relationship and it's a matter of adapting to them.

I wouldn't suggest OP 'throws it all away'. I suggest she tells him she's not putting up with his terrible attitude. I definitely think he should have a chance to shape up - but what happens if he doesn't?

How are you OP? Hope you're feeling a bit better.

I wouldn't agree that most men are misogynists as Poppy is implying but I do agree that they see things differently and take longer to get the whole point of being a parent.

What I see here is two people who are overdoing it - he's out till all hours, both of you are working hard, at home and outside.

Firstly as you have plenty of income I would suggest you pay for some help - a cleaner for a start and if Daddy can't cope with the children then you hire someone in to babysit, even if it's just for a few hours so you can have a good deep sleep.

It's easy to get drawn into getting the other parent to 'take over'. What happens then is that you end up fighting over who gets more time away from the children. The way I see it is that it's a privilege to look after children and the minute it becomes a chore or a burden something needs to give. If your partner won't help when you need him to then you should pay for help - it it's his loss if he doesn't want to spend time with his baby. Sure it's not nice for baby either, but rather than force him into it unwillingly, get someone else to do it who is trained and actually enjoys it.

Minor thing, but it doesn't sound like you are able to take care of or assert your own needs. For example, you didn't have to stay out til 4am when pregnant, you could have left earlier and he could have made his own way back.

You might infer that Wilkommen, but I was by no means implying that 'most men are misogynists'.

To clarify: my opinion is that if you do by some chance have a closet misogynist on your hands, then having a baby is a sure-fire way of bringing them out of the cupboard. It kinda 'smokes out' their underlying view on gender roles - some men, that is.