can anyone help me out? i'm in the argument dead end i always end up in

[ithoughtofitfirst]

There's a lot more of back story to this which i can give it will help someone advise me. But i don't know if it will help with this problem to be treated in isolation. Iyswim.

Basically just dh and i have had a rough few years with illness, babies, house problems, shotgun wedding, job losses. More recently i have helping and supporting dh to go self employed. He's worked crazy hours, used all of his annual leave to do work stuff other than spend time with us. I'm a sahm so have basically have been doing everything else. We're completely skint. We struggle. I suffer from depression. It's not great but iappreciate all his hard work and everything he does for us. All i want is for him to have the career he wants and support him in whatever way i can. I never moan to him, i never make him feel guilty. He often thanks me for 'being so cool about everything'.

Throughout all this i've also had a totally overbearing MIL who competes with me for dh's time and affection. I almost always lose. We booked a holiday for Christmas as a treat but because she sulked about not seeing 'us' (him and the kids) we've ended up changing the dates of it which has cost us lots of money that we don't have. I have gone NC with her in the past which was bliss and suited me great but because i'm breastfeeding a 6 week old i am forced to spend time with her even though she makes me feel ill.

Next week is dh's birthday. He has annual leave to do work as i'd expected but now informs me that his mother has invited him for lunch on his own. Can he go? Of course i said yes. As if i'd tell him how to spend his birthday but this morning i made the massive mistake of telling him i was actually upset that he wouldn't just automatically want to spend time with us. His wife, his ds and his newborn dd. He twisted my words until i wasn't even sure what my point was anymore. The conversation ended with 'so you're telling me i can't spend my birthday with anyone other than you' in a really spiteful tone.

I just hung up and turned off my phone. And now i know i look like s hypocrite for sulking when it's exactly what MIL would do to get her own way. And i know i've lost the argument by hanging up on him which i know is probably not the best. But i'm just so upset i feel sick. And i just feel like i end up here every time i try to express how his behaviour makes me feel.

I just wish he actually wanted to do something special with me for once. I don't want to sulk with him but i just can't hide how i feel this time. I don't even want to talk it through because he'll just mince my words anyway. I don't know what to do.

He can continue to be a lovely father if you two separate and he's no longer giving the children these messages about their mother.

Ok, maybe going against the grain here, but please don't start heading down the path of separation yet. Marriage is bloody hard work to be successful, and it sounds like so far the two of you have worked so well together to weather the storms, and make a go of it. Everyone screws up sometimes, and it sounds like he has acknowledged that in your last talk. The problem with your husband putting your MIL first is something she has conditioned him to do - it takes a lot to help that person step back and see their parent with fresh eyes - my DH thought his dad was amazing when we met, but has slowly realised, through comparison with mine, and me gently pointing what isn't right, that actually he can very manipulative and passive aggressive. I've been very careful about how I've done this, because I love my DH and don't want him to be taken advantage of, but at times it has been difficult, but we're in a good place now. I would view this as one more thing to work through between you, another relationship 'hurdle' that the two of you do have the strength to conquer. Try to tackle it in chunks, not make it a 'Naggy' or stress thing,and just gently have conversations with him a few times about priorities, or about things you would like to do with him - make him see what fun you two could be having together. I really think you've got a very solid base of a relationship and it would be such a shame to lose that because you've hit a low patch. Very, very best of luck to both of you.

Jonty one of them has "worked hard". How has the husband making her such a low priority involved "working hard"? What efforts has he made to "make a go of it"? All he does is say the right words and make an effort for a few days.

Your advice is that she shouldn't be a nag?

I kind of agree with both of you in a way. I think my options are to

A) Seperate. Giving him the freedom to spend his time with whoever he pleases without it hurting me.
B) Stay married. But not have much of a relationship. Just keep up appearances for the children and family.
C) Move away. Maybe a bit of physical distance would help. But this would be difficult financially because dh is going self employed in the new year and using a loan from ILs to do so (an idea which i objected to from the word go).

I think you have submerged your own needs for so long that people just expect you to be the one to bend to their will.

In order for your relationship to last and i'm not going to suggest you separate, only you know if that is right for you, you must start becoming more assertive. You have needs and just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you forsake having time to yourself or the right to be thought of equally in this relationship.

It sounds too one-sided to me, you're meeting his needs, building his career, doing everything to keep his life sweet but what about what you want. Firstly you want to be taken seriously as a wife and that means he needs to address the issues with his mother. You also stand firm and make choices as a family unit not what is best for or most suitable for MIL, please don't change holiday plans to suit her that plays right into her hands. Take small steps to empower yourself and set boundaries with MIL

Not option B, ithoughtofitfirst, definitely not that one. All that will teach your children is that a loveless marriage is their "norm" and one that they could go onto replicate themselves. Your children will certainly not say "thanks mum" for staying in such a miserable marriage. It will also be like death by 1000 cuts for you and doing that also stops you (and he for that matter) from meeting someone else.

We had a huge chat while my ds was at the ILs house today. We had a really nice day then and he was so attentive and fun to be around. A day like that once a week would be so lovely. I said the usual thing of being worried it would only last a few weeks until we both slip back into our usual roles. He said the classic 'no i really want to change' rubbish. But i wonder if it will be different this time because i went into a lot of depth and detail abouthow unhappy i am. I told him the things i've been worried to tell him for fear of sounding emotionally manipulative. But i couldn't sleep last night and thought jesus if i can't tell my husband my true feelings then we really do have problems.

I really hope it changes. I do want respect from him and dc. I want to be really happy again. Confident, happy, healthy. I know it sounds cheese but i just feel like a zombie atm.

It doesn't sound cheesey at all. It's normal to want to be happy, loved and have at least basic respect.

Zombiedom is when you don't really trust those around you, when you don't feel comfortable or safe. When things are just wrong.

I hope he does something beyond the usual this time. I hope he does get himself sorted, but just saying that he'd like to isn't enough. He needs to do something, like counselling, to really get it, understand what he needs to change and how to change it, and then to actually do so.

Good luck, it's a long hard road. I hope he does it. I suspect that you will have to do so,ething a lot more drastic before he really makes that effort though.