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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Haven't felt like sex for ages!

25 replies

chunckster · 11/10/2006 09:42

i just wondering if this is normal! Our baby is 6 months old and dh and i have only had sex twice this year - once whilst pg and then once about 3 months ago - neither times were that successful! Trouble is i don't really feel like it most of the time and dh, althought he says he does want to, is always tired. we still cuddle but i don't even realy want him to kiss me for for than a second. is this normal - it's starting to worry me!

OP posts:

bodenbetty · 11/10/2006 09:53

nothing helpful to add - excpet my DD is 3m old & we ahven't has sex since I conceived. can't honsetly say I miss it either.

khakiqueen · 11/10/2006 10:06

My DD is two and I still havent fully regained my former lust for a pash. Only really enjoy when either he has been away or I have had too much vino! Although to get back into it when DD was 4 months I splurged out in Anne Summers and actually enjoyed it!

FloatingHeadOnTheMed · 11/10/2006 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

adozenroses · 11/10/2006 15:28

I would say this is perfectly normal. I have two small children and I am pretty exhausted by the evening and am not interested in any physical contact with dh. Dh is also out working all day and is tired when he comes home, so we never seem to want sex anymore - he does complain every so often, but it just seems to be a normal phase in our lives.

I wouldn't worry too much about it as your baby is only 6 months.

docket · 11/10/2006 15:36

I've got a 16 week old and a 2 year old and honestly can't remember the last time I was in the mood!

A single friend of mine was telling me the other day that she's had exactly the same conversation with all of her friends with husbands and children that goes along these lines "Oh god, no sex, I really must sort it out but I just don't fancy it"! I felt slightly better knowing I wasn't the only one. Have wondered whether I should go to the doctors about it but can't quite muster the energy!

adozenroses · 11/10/2006 15:42

I remember seeing on Trisha(I'm ashamed - I don't like Trisha much) a long while back and was talking to a young couple about having babies, and she said that a woman can go off sex for about two years. Something to do with your body coping with the effects of having a child.

momart · 11/10/2006 16:15

My libido is on holiday too at present. Am breastfeeding and this affects my attitude towards my breasts - can't switch off the 'feeding' label and switch on the arousal button...

EvoGirl · 11/10/2006 17:11

My DS is 3 now and I still have no libido. In fact the thought of sex almost causes me to panic - it's developing into a real problem and DH (understandably) is starting to lose patience. So I've been to see my GP and I'm having bloodtests tomorrow to rule out a pathological cause. When they come back clear (which I'm sure they will) she'll refer me to a psychologist who specialises in this kind of problem. You really are not alone!

hollyj · 11/10/2006 17:35

Hi Chunckster,
yes me too, but I have a theory as to why! I reckon it's because you use up all your physical affection, sensuality or whatever you want to call it, on your baby and just don't feel the need for any more. I only realised this the other day but I spend so much time hugging and kissing my dd that I have basically had enough when dp gets home. I know it's different in that with dp it is sexual but I reckon it all comes from the same 'store'
Not much we can do about it though unless we stop hugging our babies which I don't think is a very good idea.. Maybe we'll just have to wait till they go to school...

FloatingHeadOnTheMed · 11/10/2006 18:05

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Judy1234 · 11/10/2006 18:24

I certainly found when breastfeeding I didn't feel like sex which seemed to be part of nature's plan to space children. I did find though I made myself get back into it and then it was fine. I don't think very long gaps without sex are good for most couples.

I remember the feeling of being over touched by small children all day and just wanting some time not to be touched. I think that's quite common.

momart · 11/10/2006 20:26

I absolutely agree with hollyj. Although my feelings towards my baby isn't sexual, there is alot of sensuality and affection.
I even find that when I kiss my dp, I begin doing 'silly' baby kisses that I'd do on my daughter...

controlfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky2 · 11/10/2006 20:33

i feel much better now my ds's are 9 and 7..... but it took a long long time.

lazyanna · 11/10/2006 22:01

Does it matter? There are lots of threads about this, but if someone doesn't need or want sex anymore, why do they need treatment to make them wan tit?

hollyj · 12/10/2006 08:45

lol momart
That's exactly what i do with my dp - kiss him as if he's a baby and someimes make ridiculous baby noises or do impressions of dd .

And I think it does matter lazyanna unless both parties are happy with the situation which is extremely rare I would guess. And although only a small part of a relationship, sex does help to bind it together and remind you of all the good stuff (she says the morning after after her first sh@g in a fortnight )

slartibartfast · 12/10/2006 09:36

Yes sadly the normal experience I think. We found weekends with Granny were a good compromise - we were on hand if anything was awry and none of those frantic phone calls about feeding crying sleeping etc - Granny had her baby-rocking chair which she found relaxing for herself - and said she could co-ordinate with her rather squeaky bed next door. It all seems quite fun in retrospect.

joelallie · 12/10/2006 10:54

This subject keeps coming up doesn?t it. And it?s always reassuring to know that you aren?t the only one. So I thought I?d share my experiences a few years ago when I went away for a weekend with a friend and some other women that I didn?t know that well. We were all in their late 30?s and early 40?s - intelligent, self-assured women - and they all had at least 3 kids. After a few bottles of wine the convo go round to DH?s and eventually sex. And it amazed us all to realise that we all had the same feelings and experiences of sex. The times we pretend to be asleep when he comes up to bed, the times we fake orgasms just to get it over with (have to say that luckily I don?t have to very often ), when we realise that DH is up for it ?cos he gets in to bed without his pyjamas, the times we don?t want a cuddle in case it leads to more, the fact that we hate getting interrupted because we know that we?ll have to do it all over again. The simple fact that these days the hassle factor was so great we?d often rather not bother. The recognition just went on and on and it was so funny and such a relief to know that I wasn?t a freak. Just because once you have kids you aren?t gagging for it 24 hours a day (or even ever!) you aren?t a frigid weirdo with a real problem. I do wish I could get back some of the feeling that I had before ? it would make the whole thing so much easier ? but until that happens we?re OK. DH gets his oats once a week, I enjoy it once it?s happening. I do wish that sometimes it would be officially acknowledged that it happens and it?s normal. Sometimes it seems as if regular mind-blowing sex is seen as a bit like eating your greens - very healthy and not something you should do without. But not wanting it is so common that it is normal for many women.

alismummy · 12/10/2006 19:08

thank god for this thread. so i am normal after all....

noonar · 12/10/2006 19:29

thankyou so much for this thread! i made the mistake of reading a thread about frequency of sex recently. the generally consensus was that between once and 3 times PER WEEK was the norm!!! and this on mumsnet, of all places!? you can imagine my despair as a once -a monther- if we're lucky.

tbh, i think there is a huge range libido wise, amongst mums. but i never discuss it with friends as its a bit of an issue between me and dh- and it seems too private . i'm not prudish, but feel a bit inadequate about it somehow, and have assumed everyone else is at it like rabbits etc, etc. dh is much more affectionate than me- not pressuring, but its still an issue.

nice to know i'm not alone!

momart · 12/10/2006 19:51

Just to let you know. As a result of reading all this, I decided to put a dress on tonight rather than my PJ's after the bath with dd! Will this put me in the mood. Dp gone out to buy pudding...

lazyanna · 12/10/2006 19:51

But even if there is a difference, between what one "party" wants, and the other wants - or expects - why is it always the Woman who has to go to the doctors, and be pumped full of hormones, or psychoanalyzed?

Judy1234 · 12/10/2006 20:27

It's not. When you get to my age, 44, men can start having erectile dysfunction etc. They then need help and women in their 30s and 40s can be at their sexual peak and their men can't or don't want to match it because they've let themselves get fat and unfit and they just want to sleep. It's always women wanting less and men wanting more once the babies are not little babies any more.

controlfreeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaky2 · 12/10/2006 21:40

i think for a lot of people (certainly me) a long, long time (i mean YEARS) to get back to anything approaching their pre children sex life..... doesnt mean there's anything wrong with you. agree that for many women the mix of caring for small children and lots of sex just isnt a happy mix. i know for me it just felt like one more task / demand on me too many. my dh was mostly understanding but it was an ongoing tension. dont beat yourself up about it. keep talking about it to dh if you can.

EvoGirl · 20/10/2006 18:46

So heartening to read everyone else's experiences and know I'm not alone or abnormal. Contemplating whether to ask DH to read this thread so he realises we're normal afterall

Judy1234 · 20/10/2006 20:01

I meant to add a not in my commment, not always women wanting less once babies aren't born - see other thread I saw on husband not wanting enough sex. Pity people can't swap. I suppose they do and that's when adulterous trouble starts.

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