New relationship

[Herald]

I have posted on here before and been given excellent advise from you all so here goes again ...a bit of back ground I divorced my wife 15 months ago for adultery it all went well we still speak share the children and life is good.

I have had a few dates and a couple of short term relationships but nothing really serious and being honest I kept them all at arms length from friends and family, I have know started seeing someone who I have known for a while from within a group of mutual friends , we have not been seeing each other long about 2 months and this time it feels so different from the dates I have had before, all is really good from both our points of view , we have been totally open with how we feel about relationships and the big one for me 'trust' .

Now getting to the 'issue' I feel I do trust her impecably but I am scared to move forward with the relationship because I really don't think I can deal with another situation like after my marriage split, I have moments when I feel I need to end it before it gets to serious maybe to protect myself but I know I will regret it at a later date.

Like I say I do trust her and have no reason not to , but how do people start to move on from being cheated on ?

Thanks in advance

Herald

Your feelings are normal. You just have to keep reminding yourself that your new partner has done nothing wrong. And that it's ok to feel somewhat reticent. It's your old hurt rearing its head in an attempt to protect yourself.

Take one day at a time and find a way to gently talk to your new partner about it. Through this, you will find a way together. Good luck.

Thanks for the reply and what you say makes sense , the next time we are having a chat I will maybe bring it up , We do chat very easily and open so it's is probably the best way forward.

I just am a bit worried about coming over as needy or not over my previous relationship ?

I've struggled with this as well. I think it's a protection instict, you couldn't bear to go through the pain of being cheated on so you try not to get too emotionally involved in new relationships in case it happens again.

It helps to talk to your new partner. If they are good and kind they will do everything they can to reassure you. Try to think of your ex as a particular type of person (a cheater) and your new partner as a different type altogether. Don't assume that they will cheat just because your ex did. But at the same time keep an eye out for any similar behaviour and be able to challenge them if it makes you feel uncomfortable.

Rollacola... thanks that's exactly how I feel , I am seeing her this weekend I will tell her how I am feeling but without getting to heavy. Hopefully it won't come across as sounding like I don't trust her because I do, to be honest I am definitely over my ex but obviously not over why we split

It is quite difficult to explain without sounding like you don't trust them and without sounding really needy. I didn't want to come across as a nervous wreck (even though I was!) but I found that just talking a bit about what had happened with my ex and the devastating effect it had on me was enough. My new partner just seemed to 'get it' straight away. He's said to me a few times that he'll never let me down, I think it's his way of reassuring me that he won't ever treat me like that and it does help. I don't have to explain much more because he understands.

Good luck with your talk. Take it slowly and enjoy yourself.

I think you have to take someone on face value whilst, at the same time, being alert to any obvious warning signs. It's OK to tell a new partner that you've been let down in the past so that they have some context, but it's important to own the problem If you're not getting the balance right and coming across as over suspicious or possessive, or if your trust issues start to sound like an excuse then it's better to step out of dating for a while rather than subject a nice person to the behaviour

Again thanks for the replies , I have already spoke to her about how my previous relationship ended and she was very understanding, I am worried about discussing it because she has a large network of friends and a very active social life which her previous partner was very jealous of and I am not normally a jealous / possessive type of person and don't want to come over as being the same as him.

I have finished my last (short term) relationship for similar reasons but this time my feelings towards this lady feel so much different I know I will regret spoiling a good thing because of my own insecurities .... Maybe I should just try to relax a little and enjoy it for what it is.

After taking your advise I had a chat this weekend with her , I got across that it's not about me not trusting her it's about me not wanting to get hurt again. She was great about it and although she was a bit shocked that I was thinking of finishing it without discussing it with her first , so I am just going to let it roll and hopefully it will carry on being good .

Thanks for the advise....