Hi there
I've name changed for this as I feel such a fool.
Background. Split with husband of 20 years two years ago. Stormy marriage, lots of arguing but he's moved on and has met someone else as have I.
I love this man to bits. He still after almost a year makes my tummy flutter and I so enjoy being with him. He clearly feels the same and is with me at every given opportunity. Has proposed several times and i have said that I do love him a lot but divorce is not finalised yet. However, I do believe that marriage doesn't make the relationship but a good, caring, trusting relationship can exist without marriage. However, if it's important to him it is something I am quite happy to do.
But, and this is a big but, after just a few months his interest in a sexual relationship has diminished to a very low level. I tried talking about a few weeks ago and he was so apologetic and lovingly sorry and tried to make amends that I thought it would be OK. However, I'm finding things becoming increasingly distant and a bit cold if you know what I mean. I long for the affection that existed just a few months ago. I long for him to reach out to me but he doesn't. Whenever we sleep together when he wakes in the morning he sticks his arm out over the pillows and waits for me to turn around and put myself in the crook of his arm. He will then say "morning darling" and give me a peck on the cheek. Then a pat on the arm or leg and he's off out of bed. When we go to bed he often is asleep by the time i get out of the bathroom and if he's awake I get a peck on the cheek or a pat on the leg and a "goodnight darling" then he'll roll over and be fast asleep in seconds snoring.
In the day time now there is no affectionate contact unless it is done by me. Sometimes I reach to kiss him and he avoids it or gives me a very quick dry sort of peck and pats me. He never just hugs me out of the blue. He never looks at me when I am undressed. Oral sex (which I love) has ceased and only probably happened on a handful of occasions despite the fact that I do it for him most the times we make love. He used to text love messages (as did I) but they have more or less stopped. However, he does make plans with regards to our future. Looks after me and spoils me a bit. Can't do enough for me on the practical levels
Historically we've had problems with ED and premature ejaculation. But we talked about and I've said that we can get over this as I'm understanding, older like and not overly demanding in that respect. But it's the complete loss of the closeness that is hurting me so much. Last night I tried to talk about it again and he got angry and defensive. He then came out with the killer sentence "To be honest, I don't see a future in this relationship right now" I felt my heart breaking and my stomach churn over. He has gone to work and I'm sat here feeling so broken and hurting. I have told him I love him. He has told me he loves me but can't deal with my neediness. I really don't see that I am needy. I just said that relationships need intimacy and closeness and ours doesn't seem to have that right now. I understand that the problems lack or arousal etc can cause the desire for sex and affection to go completely in men as the issues cause them anxiety thus exacerbating the problem. I guess what I am trying to say is that if the relationship is important to both of us both of us would try and see what we could do to resolve it. But he refuses and just says he's not interested in sex and doesn't know why. That he feels less of a man because of it but can't handle the pressure of it.
Goes on about how tired he is all the time but will sit up half the night chatting to avoid going to bed it feels to me. It's so strange because he is so loving with his little dog. He's known for being so loving to friends and his kids and grandchildren.
Am I just being a moaner? Or should I bail and lick my wounds on my own? My heart is so aching. I am crying a lot without him seeing. I am so scared of losing someone I love so dearly but I can feel him pulling away and I can't win. If I try to stop him backing away I might appear clingy and if I just let him back off and do his own thing he will read that as me not caring.
Just to give this some perspective we are both in our late 50s so not kids with no life experience and baggage.
Please give me some sympathy and guidance.
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Relationships
Don't know where to start really - sex problems
DearestMommy · 11/12/2014 12:20
Dowser this is more than the first flush of romance going off the boil though isn't it? I think you are minimising the issues and not really understanding what the OP says.
This man is avoiding any intimacy at all- not just 'spicy sex' 
She gets no cuddles, no attention, zilch.
Men who have physical problems with potency tend to avoid any contact at all because it can make them feel under pressure to move things on to the next stage- ie full sex.
I think the answer is frank talk and a suggestion / ultimatum that he at least gets medical help, as he has had recent illness ( re. heart) then that is quite possibly why he has ED. He might need Viagra or similar but being honest and open about the problem and 'owning it' is his responsibility- not hers!
OP if he cares about you and realises how you feel then he ought to seek help. If he doesn't you need to ask what that shows. If he is prepared to walk away and lose you without seeking help - or even asking if you would compromise for little sex - then he can't care as much as he says he does.
It's a cliche but actions speak louder than words.
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