Tired of feeling on egg shells - what can I do?

[Anna573]

I am feeling very low and would welcome your thoughts. H got angry with me this morning, I did some work a while ago and found out yesterday the invoice hasn't been paid and I need to re-submit it. H said I should have checked before now and started shouting at me in front of DCs, saying I don't care, I don't take responsibility, everything left to him etc. I didn't answer except to ask him to stop as he was yelling on and on with DCs there.

I feel like I am always on edge waiting for the next outburst. I work but most housework and planning for DCs is down to me, so I am upset at him saying I don't do anything. He is quite right that I should have chased the money sooner. But I just feel I can't keep on top of everything and feel really alone. It was extra work anyway on top of my job.

I asked H if he thought it was ok to shout at me in front of DCs. Older DC was saying "Stop it daddy" and "poor mummy". I worry what example this sets for adult relationships - my parents were like this and see how I have ended up. H said it was my fault for not caring about our finances and not caring about our family. I then said "Fuck off" in response to that (I had sent DCs upstairs by then) and he went to work slamming the door. I was left trying not to cry and taking upset DCs to school.

I know he has a point about the money but his behaviour isn't ok, right? I really want to make a stand and say how unacceptable it is but I am rubbish at assertiveness. Please help me get a backbone and deal with this right? Thank you.

If he can't find anywhere to stay, it's entirely his problem.
Alternatively, you can go and stay somewhere. Remember that his screaming at you is also domestic abuse.
Do ring WA for advice and help.

Cross posts. No family anywhere nearby on either side. Only one RL friend knows the score and I just feel like a burden on her.

I started to think last night what it would be like to live without fear of explosions. Apparently imagining life separated from a partner is a sign that the relationship is doomed. I almost want it to be, so I can have a break from pressure.

He has ended it, all you have to do is go along with it.
Can you actually think of a reason to let him stay? (and don't say you feel sorry for him, because he doesn't for you, or loves you)

Reasons like staying in this house, but I could afford something close enough for DCs school - I just checked. I think my life would be easier alone, less housework, laundry, cook simpler meals, time to myself. The main thing that has kept me trying previously is DCs who would be devastated at us separating. But yesterday he yelled repeatedly at 4 year old. He told me he apologised but also justified it because of the bad behaviour. I am starting to think we would all be better separated. When he was arrested he was away for nearly a week and I was so calm with DCs.

So he's violent too! Please don't stay with this man for a minute more than you have to.

Can I ask what keeps you there?

X posted. Gosh you really put up with a lot from him don't you.

Still banging on about the invoice!

Honestly he's his own worst enemy.

Don't let your sons turn into their father

The DCs may be devastated by you splitting. But then they may not be.
They will see how much better it is without him around, shouting at you and them. :(
Him staying will damage all of you.

He was violent once. I called police and kicked him out, that was when he stopped drinking.

I don't know how to handle it when he gets home from work later, I tend to feel overwhelmed by aggressive communication and not able to express myself.

You don't need to be overwhelmed. If he starts shouting again, you can call the police. He has been arrested before, so your address is probably flagged up.

Your life is about to get a lot better.

It'll be tempestuous and hard for a few months, until you get situated, but after that, it'll be like that feeling when you take off a pair of ill-fitting ice skates and put your own shoes back on.

Does he talk to colleagues at work like that?

I doubt it. He wouldn't dare because there would be serious repercussions for him. Of course it's not OK.

You need to cram those eggshells down his underpants and tell him that he either treats you with respect or buggers off.

And reading on, grind those eggshells in well and take him up on his threat to leave. He wants to do it? He can feel free.

Your kids might be sad and shocked, now, but they will be emotionally a lot healthier in the long run.

Just thought I'd throw this out there, although it may not be a popular thing to say -- there is a fairly widely held theory that, as adults, we tend to try (even subconsciously) to recreate the relationships of our childhood. Now I'm NOT saying that ANY of this is your fault. I just encourage you to take care in future relationships that you do not magically end up with someone else like this. You mention that your parents had this same dynamic, and so as you go forward I would just encourage you to check in with yourself, and maybe with friends or an objective counsellor, to see whether future partners might not also fit this model.

Does any of that make sense?

How likely is it that he will hit you again, or shout at the dc? Does he stand in the doorway and not let you through?

Phone Women's Aid and ask them to help you get an exit plan sorted. It's great that you afford to get somewhere else, as that will increase your safety and speed things up, as you don't have to try to get him out of the house so you're quids in to start with

(God, I just reread my last post and I worry that it comes off as insufferably mansplainy. Apologies if this is the case -- I was just trying to communicate a half-formed thought and somehow it came out sounding all patronising. Ugh.)

Your dc will be much happier let him go.... I bet he won't tho .
So take him at his word. Tell him to go.
Don't be surprised tho if he says he isn't.going..talk to women's aid.