Ex is still contacting me..

[MrsRaegan]

Hi,

I was with my ex for just over 5 years. I fell pregnant in the last month of out relationship. Although not planned I was excited and felt that we were secure enough to do it. Anyway, I told him over the phone (he worked away, wouldn't have seen him for 3 weeks) he told me he would phone me back, and that was it. I've never seen him since. He moved on, and I got on with life. I cut all contact and went on to have my DS. When he was born I received a lawyers letter requesting a DNA test. Which I conceded to, results obviously showed that DS was his. After that I never heard from him again.

Fast forward a year and a half. I had missed calls last night from a number I didn't recognise. Then some texts. Asking me to meet him, to discuss getting back together (!) I replied to the texts but kept my distance. Told him if he wanted to discuss DS then he would have to contact lawyers. He has text me about 6 or 7 horrible texts since and told me to wait for the lawyers letter.

Is he going to get access to my son? How much? He's never met him, he's never paid a penny for him. Everytime I think of handing my baby boy over for visitation I want to cry. He'll be so confused. I have a partner who I've been with since DS was 6 months old. He looks at him as a father, he doesn't know my ex.

Does anyone know where I stand legally? Have made an appointment to see my lawyer, but she can't see me till next week.

Yes he will get contact. Minimal to start with and likely to be increased in the future if he turns up etc.

I would make him go through the courts but I would also take maintenance too. You have proof he is the father so he can't use that as an excuse.

I suspect if you told him you wanted maintenance he would run a mile.

On the other hand, although you hate him why stop him from seeing his son? Why not give him a chance to step up to the plate?

Could you be trying to punish him for what he did to you?

Your current relationship could end anytime so I think it is good that your son doesn't count this man as his father.

You are stopping him from seeing his son. That's what he might tell your son one day.

I understand though that you must have a strong reason for this. Just remember your son isn't a weapon. And that's why the courts are here.

Good luck with it all

In addition to the previous advice, I'd urge you to keep those messages or any emails you have from and to him.
Just in case you need evidence of his abuse.

If he continues to pester you, and particularly send nasty messages, report him to the police.

I'm not sure the test would be classed as evidence as it is, as the material was not collected (presumably) by an independent witness. At best I think it would lead to a court mandated test.

If you are worried about him and the type of contact, let him jump to all the hoops. If he is serious about contact he will jump them, hopefully showing that it will be lasting. If it's just a whim, he'll soon give up.
Ultimately you should have your child's interest at heart, of course, but it is arguable what that is at this point. I would say that if he will be flaky, it might be best to have no contact for now.

But maintenance is separate from contact. You should ask for it, even if you put it all in a savings account for your child.

ups
through all the hoops

I don't want to stop contact. I just don't want him to come back and get full access straight away. Which is what I was panicking about last night.

He was never a bad partner. Looking back he was quite controlling and jealous, but not enough to make me doubt his abilities as a parent if he wanted to do it and put his heart into it.

If I'm honest I'd love to never see him again. But I won't do that to my DS. But I want to be secure in the knowledge that he'll have a relationship with his dad. Not an on off convenience.

He's never wanted a relationship with the baby and he doesn't have one. DNA doesn't quality him for immediate contact. He would need to build it up very, very slowly and I highly doubt he would stay the distance. Men who deny all knowledge of their children rarely have a total personality transplant ime. This is probably more to do with getting to you somehow, and if you make it clear that you will facilitate contact but only at a contact centre and he gets no way in to your life I'm sure he would lose interest.

He will more than likely shit himself and disappear again once the going gets tough!

It's possible that something has happened in his life which has shocked him into rethinking fatherhood (a bereavement, a health scare of his own - or a new partner who has been asking him why he doesn't see his child). But he's still behaving like an entitled cock, so you are justified in stonewalling him as much as possible.
A court probably would allow him some access, but it would be built up slowly and the person whose needs take priority would be the child, not the man.

More texts again today. He also text DP giving him a mouthful of abuse about taking his "rightful place"

Didn't reply. Just waiting on appointment with lawyer.

Lweji The DNA test was done by my GP at exes cost. Would they still want it redone, do you know?

You are doing the right thing not responding. Agree keep all texts. If he texts again you could report him to police for harassment as you have clearly told him to stop contacting you directly and by not responding it will make a case for harassment a lot stronger.

He sounds crazy.

Why does he have your Dp's number?

Do not respond to comms but save everythinhlg, initiate the maintenance process and see your lawyer.

I wasn't aware that he did. There are mutual friends, but I wouldn't have thought anyone would give him contact info.

Kept all texts and printed screenshots. Should I take those to lawyer? Sorry I know I sound woefully naive!

Sending texts with abuse is harassment. You should report them to the police if there are anymore. And you could reply now saying that any further communication will be reported as such.

As for the test, it does depend on how it was collected and who did it.
A court ordered test would probably require proper identification of all involved in the test. Check with a solicitor, but I don't think these "home made" tests can be used as evidence unless there is no way that the samples could have been confused, and the level of certainty used in the test that was done may not be sufficiently good, or the lab may have not been certified for court.

And take it all to the solicitor.