My ex says I'm being unreasonable about xmas

[MerryDickCrack]

Posted in lone parents as well - I really need some advice

Ex left me and 2 ds's, then aged 2 and 5, early this year. He'd been cheating for nigh on 3 years. Since he left he's been an angry, nasty, difficult person who hadn't shown me an ounce of compassion. He's been vile, bullying, entitled, rude, tried to further upset me with his comments about mysterious things he has to do (clearly wants me to think he has someone else, the ow didn't want him after he left). I don't care anymore. I've finally seen what all my friends and family have seen for years - he is a horrible arrogant bully.
Sadly my kids love him so I have to facilitate contact.
He's refused to get anywhere suitable for the boys to stay with him so he insists on seeing them here, in my home. He makes no attempt to make this bearable for me.
For ds2s birthday I let him take ds2 to his flat for a few hours for gifts etc. He was nearly 2 hours late returning him and ds2 only just arrived in time for his own birthday party.
So for Xmas I have said he can have ds's until 4 pm Xmas eve, he can come to house 10-12 on Xmas day and he can have day after Boxing Day. He's going mad. Said it's not enough, wants to come much earlier, said if I don't agree he will come anyway and bang on door and tell kids I am stopping them seeing him at Xmas.
I have done it all alone all year - is it too much to ask to enjoy them opening their gifts from me without him there making me feel uncomfortable?
And what do I do?
Sorry it's long

I don't understand why he wants to twist the knife

because he's a nasty bastard. he wants to 'punish' you because he's fucked his life up and can't take responsibility for that. because each time you react when he twists the knife it feeds his ego.

he wants to control you and bully you to 'keep you in your place' and he knows you well enough to know which buttons to push. by stopping the in-home contact you are forcing him to sort out his living arrangements, and you are claiming your own sanctuary back. get tough with him or he will continue to use you like a doormat.

tell him you will call the police if he bangs on your door before the time you've given him. if he chooses to ignore that then make sure you record his actions on your phone whilst you ring the police. he can enjoy christmas at Her Majestys Pleasure!

don't allow him to call the shots in your life.

He's on the mortgage and says he can enter the house when he wants

You really need legal advice, OP, I'm afraid I don't know the law, but, logic says that it cannot be legally possible for a separated parent's home to be invaded without warning for this reason.

*He's on the mortgage and says he can enter the house when he wants"

Well technically he's correct.

However, technically you have a right to a peaceful existence.

Depends on who is more likely to enforce the 'rights' as to who wins that argument.

But nothing stops you putting a chain on the inside of your house.

Sounds like such an awful situation, Merry . I absolutely echo the 2 key points of advice from PPs -

1. Get yourself to a solicitor pronto, really don't waste any time. I don't know that it's true he can enter the house whenever he wants - he has left and is living elsewhere now. You certainly can't sell the house and keep all the money, but I wouldn't be sure that he can demand access -A solicitor should be able to advise you on this, and you're likely going to need more advice on divorce, dividing up assets, financial support, etc.

1. If solicitor backs you on this, make sure he has contact with the kids outside the house from now on. Why is he trying to hurt you now? Well why was he trying to hurt you before? Why wasn't he a good husband? There's no knowing why, but you know that he wasn't a good husband, and it seems crystal clear that he is trying to hurt you on and on and on. So you have to stop letting him into your home to hurt you any more. There are contact centres across the country for situations like yours.

Best of luck for Christmas. Taking a firm (and well-informed) stand now should help avoid conflict on Christmas day. Whatever you do, just remember that you are the only one putting your kids first - what they and you need is a peaceful day, not confrontation and bullying. If that means without him at all then so be it.

And a very final point (which you probably already know) - it's important you do call the police wherever there is violence or agression (including banging threateningly on the door) because a record of this will be important later for settlement and access to any possible legal aid. If things are looking sorted before Christmas, it could be worth calling your local station in advance, explaining you worries. They'll then react more quickly and be more understaning if anything kicks off.