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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

my dh just moved out

28 replies

suedenley · 10/10/2006 21:21

Things have been really bad for awhile and i wanted him to go but now i feel really sad and empty and really sad that my kids are upset and im scared of what will happen in the future to all of us.

OP posts:
Lact8 · 10/10/2006 21:23

(((Hugs)))

Lact8 · 10/10/2006 21:29

You ok suedenley?

Original poster
suedenley · 10/10/2006 21:36

No lact8 i dont think i am , funny really thought id be quite alright but feel really sad which is stupid cos ive been really miserable for months and i didnt want him to be here anymore so god knows why im snivelling like a baby, but i feel all cold and have an ache in my belly

OP posts:
BlueBeetle · 10/10/2006 21:39

That's the shock !

If you know in your heart that it's what you want you just have to stick with it - your head will be all over the place for a while and it is terribly sad - so even though it's what you want you will probbaly mourn for the "lost dream" - just remember that it is what you want - and remember there will be good times ahead again !

Tough - but you'll get through and you'll be happier !

Drink wine, eat choc and be kind to yourself and above all - give yourself TIME.

Big Hugs xxxx

BlueBeetle · 10/10/2006 21:40

Oh - and talk to your friends !

Lact8 · 10/10/2006 21:49

Excellent advice from Bluebeetle

It is horrible and hard even if it's something you've wanted.

You are saying goodbye to part of your life and there's nothing in place yet to replace it.

I don't know your circumstances but if you and your husband have been unhappy, your children will have picked up on it and IME as a child of divorced parents it gets easy when they split up.

Is it a nasty break up or something you had both agreed on?

fransmom · 10/10/2006 21:50

oh babe

bluebeetle is right about the 'lost dream' - you have this picture built up i your head and then it's not there anymore.

i went through a similar situation about 6 years ago (tho no kids, i did think we would be married and parents -that's where the dream was for me) and it all went belly up. i understand what you mean about belly ache- it hurts that much you experience physical pain as well as the emotional pain. what i wanted to tell you was that although it took me a while to get my head round things, there is a future for you and your children.

i now have a beautiful daughter and a fiance who loves me (yes, we do have probs just like any couple but unlike previous fella, we try and talk through them). it may not be what you want to hear right now but you will get %through this.
hth

love fm x

PinkTulips · 10/10/2006 21:56

{{{hugs}}}

no advice i'm afraid but i hope things start to get better for you now that you've made the break

Alibaldi · 10/10/2006 22:00

So sorry to read this. I personally know how hard it is and can really feel for you. Take care of yourself and take each day at a time.

Original poster
suedenley · 10/10/2006 22:12

Thankyou everyone
we have been together 19 years and suddenly i feel all alone .I just didnt expect to feel like this and am hoping tomorrow i feel better.
I guess its not that i dont love him anymore but im not in love with him, and it hurts that he doesnt care anymore either i wanted to be with my husband until we died when we got together and its so sad that its come to this really. Also i feel like he gets the easy life while i get to struggle with the 3 kids and dry there tears while he is probably sat in a bar right now

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 10/10/2006 22:40

suedenley what has happened now ? i cant find the beginning of this thread but have got some of it.have you still got my email address ?

Original poster
suedenley · 10/10/2006 23:00

hi mummylin
he has gone i dont know if he doesnt really care anymore or if its just how he feels right now , i know ive really been struggling with dealing with him and coping with the kids and things have really broken down and that i wanted him to go but feel a bit freaked by how sudden it seems to have happened and wondering if its really for the best ,guess only time will tell i did email you but dont know if it worked as having trouble with it, mine is [email protected]

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 10/10/2006 23:07

i will email you tomorrow,Keep your chin up.You can and will get through this.

mumbleslikeazombiechum · 11/10/2006 10:00

Hope you managed to get some sleep last night. I split up from my first husband about 16 years ago now and I remember that horrible cold, empty feeling. We didn't have any kids together and I remember bursting into tears everytime I saw a baby, because at aged 27 I thought I'd never be a mother. It is a grief thing you're going through now, just like a bereavement and you need to be gentle on yourself and not expect yourself to be brave all the time. I hope you accept help & support offered by friends and family.
On a practical note, when you're ready, maybe you should find a divorce lawyer, even if you're not planning to get divorced for a while, because you can get advice on things like tax credits & other stuff to keep you going in the meantime. Check out www.resolution.org.uk to find an accredited family specialist. Resolution is the professional governing body for divorce lawyers.

Be kind to yourself. Things do get better and one day you'll wake up an feel much much happier than you do now.

snoopy2 · 11/10/2006 10:42

Hi suedenley, hope you are feeling more positive today.
I was in your position last year and the pain is very hard. My dd took it hard but her school where brilliant and arranged for a school nurse to come in to the school and talk to her every couple of weeks. At the time my biggest concern was how it would affect her and this really scared me. I just focused on her and getting her through each day and my rock was my family, especially my sister who, unfortunately went through the same 3 months earlier. We were together for 16 years and basically dh had a midlife crisis. Before he left he was very aggressive, always out. The arguements where awful. I have built up my self esteem as at the point of when he left I had none whatsover. Don't be scared, you are doing well to talk to people and keep talking.

mumbleslikeazombiechum · 11/10/2006 11:59

bump

Original poster
suedenley · 11/10/2006 12:58

Hi everyone
sorry been out trying to sort out what money im going to live on now hes gone, am not working at present due to caring for son who is AS and though i did wake up feeling brighter today having to claim benifits made me depressed again still i have to live on something as kids wont eat fresh air now house bound while waiting for them to ring me and finish claim .Then i will be waiting to get forms from child tax credits as now they have stopped joint claim with h and i need to do another which is just champion as i have 1/2 a pint of milk no bread and no petrol and 2.20. Still sure it will get better lol.
kids were happier today which is a blessing and im looking forward to them coming home and us all being together tonight.
thankyou for your messages of support it really helps to not feel so alone

OP posts:
mumbleslikeazombiechum · 11/10/2006 13:11

Make sure your ex starts paying you maintenance immediately. 15% for 1 child, 20% for 2, 25% for 3 or more. Don't just wait for CSA to sort it out, it';ll take months and they'll almost certainly cock it up. Get him to agree in writing to how much he pays & get it pd into your bank account every month.

Original poster
suedenley · 11/10/2006 13:36

Hi mumbleslikeazombie
Yeah already agreed on maintenance but cant have any till he gets paid dont know how i ended up so skint, but just came back of the worst holiday ever and had to buy new washing machine so have no savings left probably should have prepared for this but i didnt.
Will be going cap in hand to my mother i think
Been thinking about all the things i can do now and its looking quite good no more having to be here to do his tea the kids and i can eat early then take the dog for a stroll down the beach with a flask of hot chocolate
the boys and i can cuddle up in bed and watch tv on a sunday morning
and then ive got much less washing and ironing to do yay
maybe its not so bad after all

OP posts:
mumbleslikeazombiechum · 11/10/2006 13:39

I'm so glad you're already seeing the bright side! Good on you Sue.

ggglimpopo · 11/10/2006 13:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster
suedenley · 11/10/2006 14:08

Yes i have no illusion that he will not like me getting on with things,but i told him i dont want him to text me ,if he needs to ring it must just be about the kids and that if he thinks i will take him back then he better save his energy cos im not going there.
The kids will get used to the new arrangements and i think i will like long soaks in the bath and and reading for as long as i want,my reading has always annoyed him and i wasnt allowed to do that in bed as he moaned like hell so guess what ill be doing tonight.
I must admit still feel a bit weepy but being positive is helping though i probably sound as though im a hard woman who doesnt care im not really

OP posts:
bluejelly · 11/10/2006 22:01

You don't sound hard sue, you sound stong. It's okay to have weak days too, but sounds like you have got a good attitude. Good luck in the coming weeks and months, you will get to a point where it just doesn't hurt anymore, I promise...

fransmom · 12/10/2006 20:26

hi suedenley hope you enjoyed your book last nite! thinking of you and hope you ok. fm x

mummylin2495 · 12/10/2006 20:52

hope you are sorting things out a bit and that the last couple of days have been ok.Did you manage to get tax credits sorted or do you have to wait longer.Are you ok for cash now ? ignore emnail i sent this aft, all ok again now for some reason.

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