Partner's mum or is it me?

[lauren42]

I am seeking some advice, please. Myself and my partner are in our early thirties. Been together for 3 years and used to live together before our jobs have meant a temporary living apart (for the next 7 months). OH's mother is divorced, bitter, has very few friends due to a catalogue of fallouts with them (3 so far just this year who no longer speak to her). For the record, I have always been extremely kind to her - I have included her in our days out, called her from time to time, emailed, kept her up to date and have always been supportive. She has some kind of issue with me - one which my partner puts down to 'just her being moody.'

Over the last 3 months, she had to go into hospital for a scan. She has previously had cancer and since recovered. Obviously, she is now worried about it - and I appreciate that. When she went for a check up, they noticed something on the lung. As a result, she had to go back in for another scan. It concluded that she would go back in 6 months for another scan. To my mind, that means they think nothing is wrong and to come back for a check up, to make sure in 6 months and to monitor? Please tell me if I am wrong here!

My partner, for a few months, perhaps two or three, has been progresively distant. He gets irritated easily,always says he is tired, always quotes work as being stressful (he used to say he never got stressed in the past), has stopped going out so much to the gym, and generally just seems to have lost enthusiasm across the board. I am quite an open person, and I found this hard. As a result, I questioned him on this...asking if he wanted to end things, if I had done something wrong, etc etc...to which he said not it wasnt me...all of this leading to a massive conversation one day where I shouted 'you seem manically depressed or something!" He then said "well maybe I am." And that's when he said he was stressed at work and had been worried about his mum. I asked him why, and said your mum must be fine if consultants have looked at her scans and said come back in 6 months. He sort of agreed, but then indicated his mum had said on an almos daily basis that she was worried because her own mother had died of lung cancer, and that she had been coughing a lot, etc etc. My reaction was to be angry with his mother - why would she worry her own son? She also said she didnt want his father to know...again why? Maybe he needs some support on this? On his birthday she said she wasn't sure if she would be able to attend chirstmas with us, 'depending on what happens with the hospital.' Again, why, when the consultants haven't said anything is wrong? I have been so understanding to his mother and am I a complete pushover when it comes to giving sympathy to people...but this struck a nerve with me. Why would she want to worry her son so much? Especially when she is merely going back for a check up?

Obviously this is a very sensitive topic, and I don't claim to know how to handle it correctly. I am worried my partner has used this as an excuse he doesn't really want our relationship anymore... but when I ask that, he gets angry and says it isn't me and tells me to stop asking. But dealing with this distant, strange attitude is so hard - I can be quite an insecure person and I feel completely lost with all of this. He is so different to his usual happy self. I have asked him to talk to me and he said he doens't want to dicuss it - he finds the topic of his mum easier to deal with himself.

Should I be worried that this is me? Should I be annoyed at his mother for doing this if it's not about me? Should I leave him alone? I don't know what to do. I really love this man and I feel like he is broken :9 Any advice really welcome!

Thanks.

"...I feel like it might be time to move on..." You may be right OP.

I appreciate that your dp is extremely worried about his dm and it's getting him down. But what is difficult for you is his clamming up and refusing to speak about it, thus excluding you from his inner thoughts and making you feel, quite understandably, shut out and shunned. This is hurtful and not the way for your partner in life to behave towards you. There's nothing worse than someone refusing to communicate; it makes you feel very lonely.

I think some space is required. You've done everything possible to be kind and pleasant to his dm, and patient and caring to your dp, and neither of them appear to consider you one bit.

I'd suggest some time apart, not moving back together, and having a long think about what YOU want from this relationship. At the moment, it's all about them, and your feelings don't seem to come into it much.

My dh's old dad is very ill at the moment in Africa. Frankly, things are as bad as they can be and my dh is frantic with worry, being so far away. But he talks to me about it and welcomes my support and concern. He'd never clam up and refuse to engage; we share our troubles and see ourselves as a team.

OK, let's turn it around and look at it from his POV. Let's ignore all the previous behaviour for now. His mother is worried that she may have lung cancer and is transmitting this anxiety to him. She wants/needs his support and he wants to be there for her as well. All understandable. At the same time, he is hearing from you about how his mother treats him and how she regards you. He is in a "no win" situation; doesn't want to upset either of you, yet very much caught in the middle (I have been there, its not nice!).

The problem is that you can see the pattern of behaviour yet he can't or won't. The more you raise it, the more he will think that you are just having a go at his mum and at a really bad time (anxiety over scans etc). There is no simple answer to this - mothers and (future) DILs don't always get along (just look at the number of posts on MN about MILs!!!) and there will always be an element of competition for attention. Another woman is taking over my darling son and, worse than that, he is listening to her and not me. Outrageous! Either she doesn't approve of you or (more likely) she is simply threatened by you and your influence over her son.

This is why it may be best to keep everything calm until after the scan, then that issue either becomes a real problem or goes away. Depending on the outcome, you will need to sit down with P and see if there is a way forward that includes his mother. He may be able to maintain his relationship with her separately to you however he has to understand that for it to work, you now have to come first and he has to listen to you. There is always a risk that he may not be able to do that in which case it may be time to take notice of the red flags and blaring klaxons. Hang in there for now if you can and if you feel it's worth it...

Your partner doesn't have to react to his mum having problems by taking it out on you, does he?
He is the problem, not her.

gah, sorry, linking failure:

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2252237-To-be-sat-on-the-sofa-crying-again-because-MIL-is-a-cunt-and-DH-is-a-spineless-little-mummys-boy (worth reading despite the vivid title)

and

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2232713-MIL-problems

there, better. Must start previewing posts !

Thanks everyone, you are making me feel so much better.

I have been in tears everyday about all this for nearly 3 weeks now. I don't think I can cope with it much longer.

I have seen my partner for 8 days since September. This has been for a mix of reasons, mainly due to his working away. I have been consistently supportive, and we planned to have 2 weeks together over Xmas, and now he is saying he want sot see his much on 3 separate occassions during that time - because of all this stuff that;s going on.

I am so fed up and feel that I have tried everything to keep us together. He won't talk to me, when he does it's brief and forced out of him, and he wont even contenplate that what his mum is doing (not only with this but with other things/comments about me), is just not ok.

Is this time to call it a day? I feel like a teenager again - all I wanted was an adult relationship where we support and respect one another.

His mother had cancer and unless they've received the all clear, they are facing possibilities of it coming back.
His mother is divorced so probably only has her grown up son to talk to.

He is rightly worried about his mother's situation and is scared shitless he might lose her.

Instead of supportive GF, he gets:
I questioned him on this...asking if he wanted to end things, if I had done something wrong, etc etc

It sounds like it's about you. Maybe you need to work on the way you talk to him.

Oh dear lauren it sounds pretty dire.

How much do you usually like / love him? Blunt question, so I'll go onto the next:

Is it worth sitting down and talking to him about all this in an effort to work it out? Or would you prefer to call it a day?

Only you can answer those questions!

If you decide you want to sit down and talk about it, and say that you are concerned for the future of the relationship, it could go one of three ways: he could say you are overreacting (you really aren't, actually). He could say yes, I see there's a problem (but then actually do little about it in practise) or he could say yes, I see therés a problem (and actually take control of things).

It's perfectly reasonable to be there for your aging, unwell mother. But that has to be balanced with the needs of a partner, who really should come first as a rule. Where she comes second, it needs to be for short times.

From what you say, he's very much defensive of his mother no matter what her behaviour is. Reading between the lines, if she's 20 mins away he's going to be constantly on call for her. He would need to, well, grow and cut the apron strings in order to be a true partner to you. That's not to say drop her, not at all. But he'd need to balance your needs and hers.

I don't know, being with someone whose company you love is great. But for a long term future together, you need the other person to have a steady character underlying his personality. I'm not quite sure your partner fits that description at hte moment and it could be a very long, very lonely, conflict-filled wait until he can become fundamentaly independent of his mother.

What would happen if you ever have a child? what do you think she would be like?

arsenaltilidie...

I would be supportive if he talked to me about it. The first I knew he was unduly concerned for her was when I pressed him to speak about why he was behaving so oddly. As mentioned above, being told to come back in 6 months didn't alert a huge immediate problem to lead to that kind of behviour from him - if I have known I could have dealt with it differently.

Meerka, thanks for your response.

I do love him, but the past few months have made me wonder if he has some kind of problem himself in being in a relationship where it becomes testsing - ie we haven't seen each other regularly, and his mum's problems.

If I mention that we have things to sort out, he won't agree. He will say I'm being over the top, and then, if he does admit something eeds to be changed, he is BRILLIANT at talking the talk, but action-wise? Absolutely nothing. It's getting so boring.

I feel that whislt he may be concerned for his mum, firstly he shoul dhav emade that clear, secondly he should have shared the things she was telling him about her own mother dying etc, so i could have at least anticipated him becoming low and more worried. Instead, I had no idea.

I have no idea what it iwll be like when she lives closer. I expect she will depend on him all the more. I think it my heart of hearts I know that the realtionship is over... it could only be ressurected if he were to SHOW me it;s me he wants and me cares for. I have put up with so much crap from him recently, and if he is low, I can be unerstanding and appreciate that...but he cant expect me to just carry on, in the dark abotu his feelings for me. I would never do that to him.

When I suggested a break a few days ago, he was against it, but if I had pushed for it i'm sure it would have happened. he's just 'not that bothered'...about anything, it seems.

If his mother was a genuinely good, nice person, I would be 100% there all the time. Unfortunately, she;s not a pleasure to be around and that makes it very difficult. Having said that, my parents are incredibly good to my partner...yet I would never suggest staying more than a weekend with them - I know it is imprtant to have space as a couple..a view he dosnt seem to share.

Just 8 days since September? And he also wants to break up his time with you over Xmas 3 times to be with his Mum? Gosh, sorry to say this but his priorities are elsewhere. If I had only seen my girlfriend for 3 days a month since the summer I'd be desperate to spend time alone with her and away from everything and everybody else. And Xmas is such a good excuse/reason to do so...

Really sorry Lauren but this may have run its course and it may be time to move on. He simply doesn't want to spend the time with you. This may sound tough but I think you already know deep down which is why its causing such distress. His relationship with his M is not going to change and it has clearly influenced him to the point where he won't engage with you. Time to find a grown up rather than a child...

if he does admit something eeds to be changed, he is BRILLIANT at talking the talk, but action-wise? Absolutely nothing.

this is where things are made and broken.

Personally I think that anyone needs a partner who, when they say they will do something, usually does it. Ok there's always that one time when it doesn't happen, but as a rule, you know?

Many men don't rely on others, prefer to carry their burdens alone. Is that something you can live with, if you stay with him? Is that what you want from a relationship?

Yes, he said he wants to se his mum more this year due to the ongoing health thing.

He keeps banging on about the Christmas break and how we will have time together... only to then say he wants to travel around loads back and forth from his mum's. I knew we would stay for a weekend, but i figured that was enough, like last year. Same with my family.

I am so condused because when we lived together he wasn't like this at all.

Is it possible that now 'real life' is happening, he doesn tknow how to cope?

And Meerka, I think I can deal with that now I am aware of it, but it's the upcoming issues with his mum I'm afraid of...

it's very possible he doesn't know how to cope. The serious illness of someone you are close to is so testing. Sometimes you don't even know how to react. Some people can handle serious things naturally; some learn how to handle them; some never do learn and sort of duck the whole issue, leaving everyone else to sort it out.

So he could be being pushed in ways that he never has been before. That'd take time to figure out.

Just realised that what i wrote: " Is that something you can live with, if you stay with him? Is that what you want from a relationship?" sounds pointed. It wasn't meant to be, it was more a genuine question. Sorry.

However that said, it does sound worrying that he always defends her no matter how she's behaving, ill or not. You can see how it happens but all the same it could indicate problems. Worst case (and it might not come to that) you could end up in the same difficult situatoins as the posters in the threads linked above.

If you blindly plough on with this you will be showing him that it's OK to put anyone and everyone above you, and that his DM is queen bee and you are not.

His DM is dripping poison in his ear, and doubtless behind this new need to break the 2 weeks together to pieces. there is little hope of him ever wriggling his way out of this and back toward you.

but then, think about it....

You stay with him and unless he deals with his DM, you will never be a priority in his life. she will click her fingers and he will drop everything. she is manipulating and guilt tripping him. the 'don't tell your father' stuff is to further isolate him and make him the only person she can turn to. she's not daft....

he's spent a handful of days with you in the last 3-4 months. His mother may not be terminally ill, but this relationship certainly appears to be.

:( sorry

Hi Op, posted initially but never had time to come back; have just read the thread.

Two things occur to me. My partner left his family home to be with me. Whenever we used to go and visit, or he visited on his own, he used to revert to being, I felt, almost a little boy again.

I know when he's been to see them, or spoken to them, as for a short while he's different. He gets on with them, but they are critical of everyone, fall out with people, are judgemental, and could reduce the Olympic Games Opening Ceremony to a wake they are so negative and miserable ! His dad is very narcissistic, and I have been nc with him for the past few months.

Your partner has been largely on his own for the last few months, and totally intertwined with his mother's life/illness. Do you think he has reverted back to the son he was before he met you ? Has the absence of you in his life meant she's sucked all the life out of him, and you're not there to balance things ?

That however leads to point two - balance. He's not balancing her needs with yours. As lots of others have said, he may well be unable at this point to do otherwise. However, this is unlikely to get better and will probably only get worse when she moves nearer. My dp and I had a great relationship before recent incidents with his father. It was a real test for both of us, and as regards supporting me he failed spectacularly. We have children so there is a lot at stake. I cannot forgive or forget his actions, but we are trying to move on.

From everything you've said his mother is going to be a constant difficulty in your lives. If he won't even speak about it with you, how can you possibly move forward ? Yes, he's worried about her, but she's not actually ill and she hasn't been given a diagnosis. So why is she off limits as a subject ? I suspect she always will be for him, is that something you can live with ?

I really feel for you. He'll probably end up throwing your relationship away, and then repeat it with the next person he meets.

To be honest, move on. It does not matter how much you love him, if he is an only child with a manipulative and lonely mum. You will have a long future of battles and drama. It really is not worth it. See how much it bothers you now? You dont even live together at the moment, and you dont have children!

Imagine how your life would be if you were married, and produced HER GRANDCHILD. Dont even go there.