Will my divorce DEFINITELY fuck my DCs up?

[Jezzabelle]

Separated from my DH a few months ago. It's a long story, (isn't it always?!) which I'll save for another thread. My DDs (8 and 6) adore their daddy, he still comes to help put them to bed most nights and is here at the weekends as he is just staying at a friends at the moment. The kids like him being there and, (despite everyone telling me that it "must be difficult") it's working ok for me. DH is very depressed and I have been worried about him.

We explained to the DDs that we were splitting up from the off. They know Daddy is looking for somewhere to live. We told them together and explained that we were still friends and still both cared about them very much etc etc. They know they are allowed to ask questions whenever they want and they do. The thing is, all I want through all this is to have 2 children that are not utterly wounded by this. I would like them to grow up and be able to say that we did alright and be able to see that they're not emotionally crippled! Is this too much to ask? Just Googles amicable divorce and children and most of the hits said that divorce ALWAYS damages children, (although I did notice that they were mainly from Daily Mail and catholic websites).

Any positive stories welcome, (please!)

My parents were together from teenage years. They stayed together and fucked my head up a lot. My husband's parents divorced following an affair. Both parents are remarried but worked well to ensure their children were loved and supported. The most emotional distress he recalls is not to do with any of the very messy situation.
OK it's anecdotal. But children react to love and support and being surrounded by that as best as adults can manage imho.

I just wanted to wish you good luck. Am in same position and adopted the same approach. Despite my STBXH bring and absolutely atrocious thundercunt, we are united as a family. The children (x4, 7 -13) appear to have accepted our decision with some ease and have told us they understand. I guess we won't know if they are damaged until they are older, but if we are aware of the impact on them of the way we choose to behave, I think that goes a long way.

There is a difference between your kids being upset (sometimes VERY upset) in the short term, and being fucked up forever.

wow however that is a brilliant perspective

What fucks kids up is a bad atmosphere, not how many homes their parents inhabit. If you can live amicably together, stay together 'for the kids'. If you can't, then part ways and agree to behave amicably and responsibly 'for the kids'. The very worst outcome is to decide to stay or split and then spend the next 30 years badmouthing each other at every opportunity.

A flip side tale, and anecdotes don't make data etc..

My brother and i are not fine. It was all pretty amicable too. The difference in my parent's circumstances and then my father's subsequent remarriage (not to an OW) and half sibling has caused no end of upset. It is all still reverberating 25 years later. My father is a selfish arsehole, who seems charming to all though, so it was either my mum's sanity or ours.

When my husband and I have gone through bad times we have both persevered because of that. The only other two friends that i have with divorced parents, one is single, gay and leading a double life and the other is divorced herself, after being awful to her husband. She is my friend btw!

Yes - it has to be about the behavior of the parents whether in or out of a marriage - it cant be because of physical separation as children experience this when parents work away eg M-F or in forces etc.

"My father is a selfish arsehole,"

That rather supports the argument that what fucks kids up is the behaviour of the parents, not the locations they live in.

Just to add to what others have said, it's the way the parents behave, not the divorce itself that causes problems. The children need to know that they are still loved endlessly and unconditionally by both parents, and that they were in no way to blame for the split. Those are things that fuck kids up.

My dad ran off with his secretary when I was 15. What fucked my brother and I up was him staying away for the first year after he left - he said later it was to "give us time", but all it did will tell us that he had abandoned us and didn't care for us any more. I was very messed up for a number of years, and to be honest have probably never entirely got over it.

I wish parents who use their children as weapons or who sulk and refuse contact would care a little less about themselves and a little more about how badly they are damaging their children.

But when parents work together after a split, place their children first and shower them with love, then there is no reason why the children should suffer any damage.

"I wish parents who use their children as weapons or who sulk and refuse contact would care a little less about themselves and a little more about how badly they are damaging their children"

This is EA - when this becomes illegal soon - I hope that it applies to children - or one parent can report another if they EA the children.

It may not be locations but had if my mum had not left him, the other variables would have been more controlled.

Agree with those who say it depends how it is handled.
Me and My ex h parted amicably and still v good terms with eachother. DS (4) is absolutely fine.

On the flipside DPs kids (4&6) are not doing so well. Their mother has said no end of things which shouldn't be said in front of children and I think this has really affected how they have processed it all.

Whatever the circumstances of the separation I think if you handle it as a team it will have the least repercussions on the kids.

And anyway - whether parents are together or separated everyone is a little bit f**ed up in some way!!

I left crappy ea stbxh 18months ago. He has caused me untold hurt since the split by having zero empathy, continuing the nastiness and control tactics, all the while pretending to by friend. I have had no 'closure'. I am as NC as I can be, he doesn't do any 'parenting' but does have them EOW so I can work.

To preserve my own sanity I am as NC as poss. We do doorstep handovers. I say hello in a polite way but don't make any eye contact.

Am I messing up my kids??? What else can I do? I tell the dc I love them all the time and have never said a bad word about him to them.

Genuine question.... Is this messing them up? I thbk it makes it harder for my 2 dd. youngest has Aspergers and is finding it very difficult to understand.

Any thoughts?

V difficult when you're with an EA person handywoman. I think doing what you're doing is all you can. You don't badmouth him which is the most important thing.

Thanks, secretssecrets I would much prefer that we co-parent and put the kids needs first. But I guess if he was that kind of person we would not have split up hey (sigh).

I know the dd sleep on mattresses at his flat.

Last week I replaced dd1's perfectly ok bed, with something more comfortable.

I dismantled the old bed and offered it to him: he said no.

WTF?

Impossible to do the right thing when their Dad is such a loser and non parent.

It feels like yes, this affects the dc badly. He continues to demonstrate how crap he is, and it perpetuates the anger I feel towards him. And on it goes.

I am in counselling though. I am doing what I can!

Ultimately I feel guilty for having kids with an emotionally stunted idiot who is not worthy if the title Dad.

Handywoman - you are absolutely doing the very best for your DDs - as you know that any contact from you to tosser will result 100% in a negative interaction and he will upset and dominate your actions, words, thoughts and feelings - so robbing you of anything positive you could have given your DDs....bed story proves that.

You know he is a shit father/ shit husband and EAer...thats why you left him. Continue NC and dont engage. Choose not to analyse his behaviour anymore - detach - you know the script -- but choose to look at yourself more ... this is what I am trying to do.

oh the guilt! I feel guilty too for instigating the split (LOT of background) but ex h is happy, DS is happy and I am happy.

Do the kids like going to their dads?

I am divorcing at the moment.
I am the most stress free I have been in a long time and the dcs see this.

arlagirl I am a lot happier andfeel 'myself' after 10yrs of trying harder and harder to keep spinning the plates in the face of very subtle EA. He was simply miserable and never truly engaged in family life (except when we were in public, when he was good at pretending to be an attentive Dad).

secrets yes they do enjoy going to their Dad's since he got a girlfriend. This provides someone for him to do his 'good Dad' impression in front of. And to make him be slightly less lazy and crap. Prior to this, dd1 was asking me whether he loves her, because he can't be arsed to contact her between EOW or actually find out or be involved in her life. He doesn't show any interest in school concerts, plays, clubs, friends, medical appts, parents' evenings....

I think I need to find another counsellor, actually. I look at my kids and think 'it doesn't need to be this way' but yes, actually, it does.

Having spoken to the teachers at my dd's school , they would say my two are extremely well settled and happy , a new teacher couldn't believe dd 1 was from 'a broken home' once you show your kids a safe happy loving environment , they will be fine. There are lots and lots of fucked up people out there , whose parents didn't divorce.
Myself and my ex don't have the best relationship at all , but we do try... The kids didn't witness rows etc . Some days we speak , some days we don't .
If you are going to be miserable staying with husband , that shows your children was is acceptable in a marriage . I went to one relate counselling session it was brilliant , she spoke truthfully to me and made alot of sense. You have to be the example to your children of what is acceptable and what is not. I didn't get married and have children to end up divorced ! But my ex jumping into bed with the first bimbo who flashed her eyelashes changed our lives... I'm quite thankful now , me and my children have a wonderful time now, make the rules , decide on holidays etc.... My divorce was the next best thing after having my two girls

My parents had a horrific divorce (the polar opposite of what you describe).

While my Dad is a total cunt (unlike your DH it seems) my Mum is amazing and I always knew I would always have her. We are incredibly close. I don't think I'm fucked up by what happened, I'm sure your DC will be fine.

As a teacher I see the product of divorce all the time. I would say that it doesn't mess children up but it does, undoubtably, have an influence on their lives - of course it will, it's a massive event and a model for relationships.

Sometimes this can be good - they see that a couple doesn't have to stay together for a relationship to be healthy, they realise you don't have it 'put up with' a bad relationship or poor treatment. They get two houses as home, their parents get new partners who they form relationships with and sometimes new siblings. Parents who work well together can make all of these opportunities and challenges work.

On the other hand you've got nasty splits where the parents refuse to speak, ask the children who they'd prefer to live with, compete for their children's affection by buying stuff for them etc. often the parent who has them during the week, usually mum, ends up being the 'naggy' one and the weekend parent gets all the fun. Sometimes parents refuse to come to parents evenings together, insist on telling the teacher far too much info about the situation hoping that school will 'take sides' etc. sometimes they rush into a new relationship, don't consider their child's feelings about it and lurch from one relationship to another.

Both of these scenarios, or a mixture, will have an impact and you'd be incredibly naive to think otherwise. But it certainly doesn't ALWAYS damage children but it will ALWAYS affect them.

Agree with that gingerbread but there can be anything in childhood affects them. My parents had a dreadful marriage for years and my mum told me way too much stuff. they are now happy together.

The thing that "fucked me up" was going to a highly academic private school where I was bullied. So on the surface my parents were a model of happy family but underneath I was miserable.

The only way divorce fucks children up is when the parents are so concerned with punishing the other, the kids are in the middle.

If you and DH are being friendly with each other and hes still helping out, then they'll be fine.

I wish my parents had divorced and found more suitable partners. I would then not have been forced to endure / get caught in the middle of years of fighting, and would not have been set a dysfunctional example as a child of what marriage was. It drove me into constantly playing peacekeeper, it drove me into the arms of a bag of shit of a man who I was with because he never fought with me, it still now makes me a bit sad to think they didn't live their perfect life.

I am not an advocate of divorce, and sorry, due to running a bath I haven't read the whole thread but I reckon if two people have genuinely made a mistake in marrying then they should start again and give themselves a chance for genuine happiness and what kids want and need most to see from their parents is an example of how to live.