Realised I no longer want to marry passive aggressive, gaslighting, cold DP

[Bogwasher]

Last night he said to me, calmly and thoughtfully -

"we're not a family so I don't think you should think of us as one. We're a couple, you have your kids, I have mine so we're a unit - but we're not a family and never will be."

Reflecting back, this has hurt me more than I thought it did at the time. So him and his ex and his kids were a family then and he'll never regard me in the same light?

We're engaged to be married. What kind of a marriage is without family?

It's got me thinking about the way he is in general. He never gives a thought to me - never buys me anything, never suprises me with anything, never suggests a quick jolly down to the pub or an evening out at the cinema - never takes me for a meal unless I instigate it. I'm even having to plan my own birthday. For christmas I've bought him a present which I think he'll like. He's since told me that he'll buy a load of computer parts and that can be his present from me. My present from him is a coat, which I desperately needed now - picked out and bought myself and as far as he's concerned that's him done with my present now. No effort whatsoever.

Apart from this his attitude towards everything is wearing me down. He accuses me of not being interesting in his work (I always show an interest) or his kids (difficult when he insists on keeping everything to do with them deadly private). His gaslighting is driving me insane. The other night we argued because I suggested something and he insisted that I meant something entirely different. Even though I told him over and over again that he'd got it wrong he rehashed the same point over and over again about something that I didn't say nor mean. He's not stupid, he MUST have known what I meant but he specifically chose NOT to understand. At one point he stopped and said "oh, so you meant X, Y and Z?" hooray I thought! "yes! that's exactly what I meant!!" I reply. He said "oh well in that case I agree with you" but that's what I'd been saying all along! ... anyway a few more things were said and then he started going on and on about the thing that I DIDN'T say again and when I pointed out that a minute ago he understood and agreed with me he got more angry and denied it had ever happened! To this present he STILL insists that it never happened and is continuing to purposely misunderstand what I said.

He has now decided that I have been trying to stop him speaking to his kids and gave a scenario to prove it. I said "that never happened!!" - for a while he insisted that it did but then said "I know it didn't happen, I'm just giving a hypothetical scenario ... " ????? wtf??? he then went back to saying that it HAD happened.

He blames other people for EVERYTHING. He agrees to do stuff for people (me, his mum, his kids whatever) and then throws it back in their face (well no, he throws all of it in MY face as he wouldn't risk upsetting his mum or kids) saying that he's always expected to run around after everyone.

He makes a big point of saying "right that's it, I'm not listening to you anymore, if I want to go to my kids' college events and see how they're getting on I will do." - I have NEVER stopped him doing stuff like this, he just doesn't bother and then either blames me or his ex.

A few months ago he told me that he thought his 18 year old should at least try and get a saturday job. I agreed with him. Last night he spouted out "I'm sick of you slagging off my son! what's it got to do with you if he works or not??" I reminded him that it was HIM who said those things ... he outright denies this and says it was me and he just agreed with me as I've brainwashed him against his own kids.

It's mentally crumbling me.

having re-read your post, I recognise this 'chestnut'.

The telling you what you think chestnut. I thought I was seeing a really nice man earlier this year, but he started to tell me I was hung up on my x still. I said 'em no definitely not' but he looked at me like it was exasperating for him that I wouldn't admit it to myself. then one day when I'd got up at 6, chopped an onion and two red peppers, got the children ready for school, gone to work, come home, tidied up, showered and got ready, after what I thought was a lovely evening, he told me I was being cold towards him. I am happy to say I rolled my eyes and said 'ok then, goodbye and good night'. I never saw him again actually, even though I had two phonecalls from him wanting to rake over my coldness.

Fuck him off

Do you finish your degree in May/June? Even that seems to long for me, but if you need that long at least start syphoning some money off and into an escape account.

actually, I'll go against the stream here. He is absolutely a nightmare and needs binning but you say you are on your last chance at college and have a job for next Sept.

I think you should weigh up carefully if you can hold out til then. if you can, things seem to fall into place well. If not it could take you some years to get back onto your feet.

But the strain of living with a man like this is intense - once you're free of him you'll feel like you've bene let out of prison a few months down the road. So will your kids, probably.

So weigh it up carefully. The absolute brick on the scales is, do you think he might wear you down enough that you can't get out when the time suits you? If he'll mentally grind you down? If he will - then get out within 3 weeks. If not, maybe hold out if you are able to.

Sarahluv with all due respect, the OP wants rid of her partner. I expect she'll be giving Dr Kaka a miss.

He has a thing about people being disabled

My violent, emotionally abusive XP was like this, except his thing was paedophiles. Anyone he didn't like, he said was a paedophile and was disgustingly, disturbingly vocal about it. He called my parents paedophiles and told this to social services, purely out of malice (he got short shrift from SS, unsurprisingly). He got into significant trouble at work for spreading gossip about a colleague, saying her elderly father was a paedophile and that they were in a sexual relationship. It's utterly deranged.

RUN RUN RUN RUN RUN

At least he is being honest in telling you how he feels even if it's a bit cruel to put it into words. I agree with ending this relationship as it's obviously not at all what you're looking for. But this amount of criticism and discord before you've even got married is a huge red flag. Just don't.

Sarahluv is a spammer - reported.

Don't stay until September.

He will wear you down so much in the meantime you won't have the mental resources to make your escape.

You need to leave. NOW!

I fully believe that the issues that you have had with your course are down to him; he has worn down your confidence a little at a time. I understand why you want to stay until September, but how do you know that this will not escalate? How old are your children? If they are young and staying with you, what example is this setting them? That it is ok to be treated like this?

It would be a good idea to consider the chances that when your course is nearly finished, he'll manage to undermine you or to detonate a landmine so you can't get it finally done, agreed.

paddlingduck it's a known thing yes. It's control freakery.

No one presents as a control freak though when you first start dating. It's not a healthy way to be and everyone knows that. It creeps up gradually and people don't realise until they are in deep. When they move in together or have a child or join their finances - that's when it ramps up.

The changing-of-truth is called gaslighting and it's exceptionally nasty because it gets people doubting their own version of events and sanity.

Why do they do it? well, a variety of reasons. Some people just like control. It's that simple. They aren't ill, they haven't been abused, they just want control and find out what works and do it.

Some people have been mistreated in the past and learned subtle and maladaptive ways to gain some measure of control in their lives, Then they discover they can get people to do what they want by being so manipulative and controlling. There's a kind of kick in it, I think, for them. It's also a way of covering up intense insecurity - but there is also that little sense of power for them too, having someone under their control. That's why they put intense effort into getting control or if the person tries to break free.

Some people are just heavily screwed up.

Do they realise? Some do, some don't.

I gave up reading your op after the first couple of paragraphs as I had heard enough. Don't marry this man and get your contraception triple nailed down

Leave as soon as you're able. Ring women's aid - they've seen all of this before. Can you speak to your uni to see how you could complete your course...?

How old are your children? Do they live with you both? Why not give them the best Christmas of their lives and leave before Christmas this year?

Would a part-time job be possible before September? I'd find it hard to spend an evening with that twat, never mind 10 more months.

September is too far away, particularly as you have now made the (right) decision, at some point you'll have a row and you'll shout it at him you're leaving when you start your new job. He'll then do everything he can to sabotarge (sp?) you getting the degree and job. Or he might just work it out for himself that you don't care any more because you've got an exit.

No need to rush now, but start your exit plan for the next few months. If you can get out in the next month or so, all the better, see if there's any way you can still do your degree.

Omg, this 'man' is a head fuck. Please, please make plans and start implementing them to get the fuck away from him. Don't marry him, ever! If you stay with him, I predict depression, anger and bitterness in your future. The last thing any of the posters in relationships want to see is another "I married a fuckwit' thread .

Please don't marry him, or waste another minute of your precious time on him. Life is too short to put up with this kind of crap. Wishing you all the very best!

Just call off the relationship now.

Do not marry him, he will think he has you even more trapped than you are now and he will be even worse.

Run as soon as you are able. 10 months is a long time to bottle it up and if it slips out before then he will do everything in his power to destroy your future.
If you finish in May/June (certainly don't leave it any longer than that but sooner if you can manage) look around for somewhere close now and bide your time and aim to move with enough time to get settled before you start the new job. Leave nothing to chance. Move important documents like ID bank statements correspondence to do with job and course out of the house now to a secure location (family or friends house). Keep all paperwork regarding job, finances, childcare arrangements, housing there too. Basically don't have anything in the house he can find to get wind of your plan before you are ready to enact it. Have a separate email to deal with those things and only have all technology password protected.

have you left yet? if not, why not?