Feeling nervous about upsetting my in laws

[Kab13]

I've posted this on the "wedding board" as it is very much wedding related. However I think I may get some good advice here int regards to how I'm meant to deal with my very controlling and manipulative in laws.
We've been engaged a year, discussed many options for our wedding from eloping to a "big wedding".
We have (both me and dp) had a rocky relationship with his parents. They have made our lives bet difficult in the past, said and done some unforgivable things and have very little regard for the fact their son is now an adult.
Their behaviour has caused many am argument between me and dp, a lot of upset and they are very very hard to please.
My mil had her big wedding day but actually uninvited both sets of parents to their wedding as they told her she must invite certain people to her special day. She didn't like the control so specifically uninvited her own mother and her in laws.
Now, we aren't thinking about doing this but after much consideration have decided what we REALLY want is a weekend of just "us" an intimate ceremony with a couple of whiteness provided by the "venue".
I've discussed this with my mum and she is more than happy for us to do as we wish, save our money and have the day we really want.
However we have previously mentioned eloping to my mil and she told us she would pay for her to attend and when dp said "well, we actually meant on our own" she went ballistic. Told him not to speak of it and stormed off.
She really is a difficult woman and just wants us to have a "big " wedding so she can't flaunt around crying and telling everyone she's the mother of the groom and is so proud blah blah blah. It's all she did at dds christening and I can see it happening on our wedding day. It's all about her.
She wants to make the cake, the centre pieces, the favours she wants this and that.
I don't even want all that fuss, it's what she wants for HER sons day .
I've posted on this board regarding her and her behaviour in the past, everyone established she is a narc and we shouldn't see her at all.
I'm now fucked whatever I do.
We do what we want and escape for a weekend and have an intimate wedding and get grief of mil or do a big wedding let her have her way and do as we are told throughout the whole process and have a day we don't want, paying money we don't want but keeping her "happy".
Dp has said he is happy to tell his Mother what we want to do but I don't think he's thought properly about the drama that will unfold.

'Standing up to them the first time is the hardest; then they ramp up their rage'

Agree with Meerka. As the adult child of parents like this, standing up to them the first time is terrifying. It can honestly feel like the sky is about to fall in. You have spent your whole life being conditioned to put yourself last and that your parents needs and wishes are the most important thing in the whole world, and going against that is far from easy. But when you do it, and the sky doesn't fall in, and actually you can handle it, it gets much easier to carry on standing up to them.

No compromises. You cannot compromise with someone who is so utterly unreasonable. And yes, definitely tell him that he's doing the right thing and that you're proud of him.

With his narcissist mother and her hatchet man associate of her H, no quarter can be given. These people are not emotionally healthy at all and should not be at all engaged with. They have done far more than enough damage already to your own family unit.

I applaud your to be H for taking a stand, you need to continue to back him 100% because he may well waiver at some stage going forward. His dad, her hatchet man, will not protect you so needs to be ignored as well.

Going abroad for weddings is more popular than ever these days.
People do not go abroad to get married purely and simply because they hate their parents!. We did that for a variety of reasons and none of them were about hating the parents, we wanted guaranteed sunshine and a nice setting for a start (wedding venue choices were pretty limited some 20 years ago). Your own experiences of weddings are themselves valid but please be mindful of and respect the choice of people who go outside your own norms when it comes to wedding ceremonies. Those choices should be respected.

I would be very very tempted - to just get married, and don't tell anyone until afterwards. If it is just going to be you and DP and venue provided witnesses, why wait? There are even quite attractive registry offices. Just do it!
Then tell people afterwards.
One of DH's bosses did it during the lunch break at work - no one really knew. (DH actually spotted that he'd come back wearing a ring, but DH didn't know for sure for a few more weeks.)

You might want to read Toxic parents yourself, and maybe get some counselling. You really don't want to be undermining your DP now he is willing to stand up to her.

Oh and remember you have only heard her version of what happened at her wedding.

Personally in your situation I would be down the registry office next week with a couple of witnesses off the street and then keep it quiet until Christmas and tell her in front of other people that you got married last week, knowing she would either show her true colours in front of witnesses or have to suck it up and be polite

Then just renew your vows next year with the party for family and friends to help you celebrate

My BF had the same problem with her partner's mother. They did what you want to do, got married in a simple ceremony with 2 witnesses. They never told his parents. Initially it was to avoid the narc rage then later it became a bit of a running joke as they continued not to tell them

25 years later they are getting divorced (very amicably and civilly) and his parents still don't know

You can handle the fall out.

If she calls you complaining, you can hang up on her. If she calls you back, you can mute/unplug your phone. Or just block her number for a while.

If she complains or rants and raves at you in person, you can leave.

If she sends you letters giving you grief you can Return To Sender.

If she comes by your house to complain, you can refuse to let her in and call the police to remove her. Plus you can start a paper trail with the police if she escalates.

If she threatens suicide (ridiculous I know), call the emergency services and let them know she's threatened suicide, and they'll check on her. If your DP frets about this, point out that the emergency services have a lot of experience in dealing with suicidal people, and even professional medical types are not allowed to treat their own families because they are too emotionally attached.

It's easier than standing up to a toddler tantrum as she's an adult you can leave alone to look after herself.

My MIL was like this and I almost let it ruin our wedding day. I think we struggled because we both wanted all our friends and family there, which meant large-ish wedding was our ideal - and it just gave her more to obsess over. We did have quite a big wedding and we did compromise on some of the smaller things just to shut her up, but we also stood firm on some of the major things, which I see now as practice for standing up to her in the future (DH has already said he's "dreading" what she'll be like when I get pregnant/we have kids).

Anyway... sorry for the rant... if I were you op I would do your own small wedding (how lovely will it be to be able to tell everyone except her that it was just you, DH and DD at your wedding?!) - your DH sounds pretty switched on overall, so why don't you agree to just go and do it, then there's fuck all anyone can do about it. Have a party with your friends another time - minus the cake, favours, centre pieces, etc...

*It's a big thing for dp to do something against his parents wishes and it's him that's pushing for this - I think it could be a major step for him

A lot of people would give their right arm for an OH who sees the problem and wants to address it - as others have said it's essential that you back him to the hilt over this

I completely get the idea of compromising by having them there for the vows, but then she'd almost certainly poison things by whining about how it should have been. When she asks what's happening during the next twelve months, tell her you're going to announce it all nearer the time and repeat as needed

Given all her previous behaviour you might as well put a stop to this now before it gets any worse; just have the wedding you want and adopt tracyreaders excellent suggestions for any fallout

Gosh! after reading all she has done I would advise everybody that wedding plans are on hold, elope at some point then announce once home.

Advising you to have an abortion? Really. Please stand up to this woman. Do not take her rubbish. If she says something nasty or underhand to you, repeat it back to her and stare - leaving her to come up with the next response

I had to univite my DM from my wedding the week before as I saws not coping with the hassle, and she told me it was "unforgivable", but as she's a narc, she couldnt cope with not reeling me back in, after a suitable amount of punishment time(approx 1 year of wonderful peace)

Of course what she really meant was that having the wedding day I wanted that was all about me and not her was unforgivable.

She still does a magnificent hurt look with teary eyes, whenever my wedding day is mentioned, but I grin and say it was the best day of my life, and Ive been married 25 years now.

Go for it, your future is yours to plan

It sounds as if whatever you do it will not be enough or "right" for her, so you may as well do as you please.

May as well be hung for a sheep as a lamb, as my mother would say.

Are you still running whenever they whistle OP? If so, why?

You need to distance yourself and let them have their tantrums and just not care.

why don't you and DP go off for the weekend and get married in the next couple of months and just tell people when you get back? Why do you have to wait a whole year?

In an ideal world if you piss her off enough, she will go NC with you and you will be free

A word about the guilt...please understand that guilt comes from within, similar to happiness. They can not make you feel guilty unless you are letting them govern your emotions. You can very much choose to not feel guilty. It is hard at first, but once that concept is within hand, the FOG (fear-obligation-guilt) becomes manageable right into the nearest landfill.

Also try to recognize the guilt triggers. Sometimes it comes dressed as shame, sometimes blame, sometimes a pout festival. When I was establishing my guilt boundaries, I thought of the toxic one as a telemarketer trying to get me to bite on the (emotional) bait. Just leave it dangling on the hook...No thanks-move on to your next customer. Having a stock response (or a selection of them) helps because you can practice it as if it were a scrip (it is a script!). Then in the moment, the words can roll effortlessly off your tongue and you won't miss a beat thinking about what's for dinner tea, for example.

If you agree to the big wedding, there is going to be grief over every little detail, not just on the big day.

I would choose the eloping grief over the big wedding grief - what do you have to lose - she stops talking to you?

Plus the eloping grief will be a LOT cheaper. I wouldn't want to spend the money on a big wedding that a) I didn't particularly want and b) was going to be nothing but a pain in the arse to organise.

I think Attila has nailed this ; even if you do it all her way from start to finish, you will still not be able to make her happy.

The strops and looking for reasons to take offence and the need to put you down cannot be appeased, it's how she relates to the world and as you say, from inside her head it is all about her and completely justified.

Don't try. The whole lead up to it will be a bevy of opportunities for her games and it will be one long chapter of stress and quite possibly a ruined day which she will remember with satisfaction. There will be no guilt or interest in you being happy or wanting to protect your day. Elope, do your own thing, yes afterwards there will be a storm, but only one - not the endless series for months that she would like to enjoy. And your wedding day will not be about her or a miserable memory.

The strops and looking for reasons to take offence and the need to put you down cannot be appeased, it's how she relates to the world

^^ This. And as you so rightly say, at least with OP doing it their own way there'll only be ONE storm instead of a year's worth

I'm concerned that she will make our lives hell after we get married but I guess as soon as things aren't going her way she makes our lives hell anyway.
It is a bit of a shame, because of her and her husband I don't feel like having any sort of celebration. I don't like her being around my family, she tried so dig her claws into the people I love most etc and it makes me feel uneasy. Hey ho.
I think dp is pretty set on his plans for an intimate wedding now and I'm happy with this so she will have to get over it

She will make your lives murder yes. I think you have to prepare for that.

How to prepare? Make sure you keep talking a lot, your husband and you. All the time, tell each other eveyrthing that she does / says. Decide how to handle it together.

Assess what she might do and read up on what she might do - nightmare mother in laws tend to have a lot in common in what they do. Plan how to handle them.

Planning gives you a measure of control mentally. it means you aren't usually caught flatfooted and it really helps to know you the ways to deal with her ready.

If you would to go away just the two of you, do you have to wait a year to do that?

In your position I'd be tempted to just book whatever I wanted and tell them after.

The weekly visiting would get knocked on the head too. It's the run up to Christmas, you have far too many things on the go to fit in a visit:)

When we got married we had a big wedding. All planned, booked and paid for by ourselves. That way we (I) didn't have to consult anyone other than my partner and he was happy to just turn up on the day:)

I'm concerned that she will make our lives hell after we get married

She'll certainly try, yes - but here's the thing: you're so much better off than many because your OH is on side with you. Believe me I know what it is to deal with this when he's not, and it's not pretty

You'll never change what she is, but a very wise person once said that while we can do nothing about the way someone acts, we can control our own reactions to them. Truthful words - and maybe something to remember as you build your own way of doing things as a couple, without undue reference to this ghastly woman

There are only two possible outcomes for her - she can moderate her behaviour or she can accept less and less involvement with your lives as time goes on. Either way, you win

'The strops and looking for reasons to take offence and the need to put you down cannot be appeased, it's how she relates to the world'

This is excellent. Remember it OP and give up all hope that she will see sense or become reasonable or realise that you have a right to have the day you want.

I don't want to change my day to keep them happy. They are never happy.

Arrange the wedding you both want, tell the people you want to be there. Inform others after the event. Anything else will result in heartache and hassle for you both. You can't win with them - something will always be wrong, so get what you want at least