Very low, ending my marriage

[Lucky9]

Sorry for the length of this. I am at the point where I have lost almost everything that means anything to me and I feel frozen. I am in such a bad state and my home life situation is like a prison. My marriage is over but neither me or my husband has an end plan. We just live like caged animals. I have no close friends because I lost my 3 closest a few years back. My friends deserted me and betrayed me when I needed them the most and I was so weakened by what they did that I could only stay with my H even though he had also betrayed me. I had no where else to go, I felt destroyed. I then made a silent decision then to leave the relationship by the time my son was full time at school in reception. This time has now come and Im falling apart. There were practical reasons for waiting. Sounds ridiculous but I was too busy to deal with a messy ending. I also hoped for improvement. We have a business in the home that interrupts almost everything and keeps us together claustrophobically 24/7. Our home life is a tiny with 2 bedrooms, long outgrown in space and storage and 1 bedroom is used as an office for my partners customers. Our son who is 5 has the only bedroom and we have a sofabed. We are so estranged that we can hardly sleep together or touch and not a day goes by without us arguing. One of us usually ends up sleeping with our son while the other sleeps downstairs watching late night TV. My partner weakened our marriage by never managing his anger and blasted me away when I repeatedly requested that we see councellors. There were a some irregular incidents of violence from him and at each incident, I was adamant that the relationship was over and then became weakened by his apologies and promises and fell into a cycle of the sheer meaninglessness of my life with no self esteem or dignity. The violence is over now, but we are never far from arguing. It has left me with unmanaged stress and so much suppression of pain and no one to talk to. I feel Ive lost my dreams. I dont know what could happen in my life to make me feel OK. I have got so many problems and issues now. I had a disturbing childhood where I was given no sense of self and no identity of value and was controlled and abused mentally by two family members. Now, one of my family is stirring things again for me and I cant keep the lid on things that happened in my childhood.

Ive seen my GP, Ive had some counseling recently. It was good but it unleashed so much childhood pain that Ive been living in a frozen state ever since. Im avoiding all kinds of situations and responsibilities, people, important things. I am on waiting lists for more psychotherapy. I realize that Im very, very depressed but Ive tried a few anti depressants and had horrible frightening side effects. Im currently trying a herbal anti dep. Ive lost my looks, my sex drive, my spirit. Unpicking my current identity and reinventing myself at a mature stage is going to be a complicated process. To have stayed in this kind of destructive relationship will seem like lunacy, but the self doubt in an abusive relationship is so strong that you are convinced that you will never cope outside and leaving will just send you off into an abyss, sectioned to a mental home, separated from your child. May not make sense to you but makes perfect sense to me. In terms of pain, theres not much difference when you are at this point, with my H or without, with no friends, the prison was walking with me so it is easier to stay. I am buckling now with the strain of it all and yes, I have the strength to say, Im definitely leaving, but how do I stay strong when I leave, I have no support. Does anyone have any ideas or suggestions where I find support. I know this is heavy but I really need some practical advice.

Hi Lucky
I'm in NZ so difficult to suggest where you might find support - but I hope MN can be there for you in the virtual sense.
Lots of hugs

Hey Lucky9 -- All I could think when I read your post was that you are trying to deal with so much at once I wonder if you'd be better not ending the marriage just yet, but trying to deal with other stuff first; you can always end the marriage later if it's still not right. Is there any way you can deal with just one or a few of your problem areas, pack the rest in a box and let them be for now? Because trying to face it all at once will in itself make you go mental. I say all that bcause I can only deal with life if I break it down into manageable chunks.
Take care, I know many MNers have had to do dramatic life alterations and should be able to offer insight.

Lucky9. There is so much going on in your life - so much negativity and as you say virtually no support. My suggestion would be to also look at some natural therapy - you mentioned herbal tablets so I assume you are open to that - not just tablets but options like reiki, massage etc. These aren't instant fixes of course and I agree that it is essential that you continue counselling - but from my experience, natural therapy can be a gentle relaxing tool. You said you were in a frozen state so you will be needing to somehow relax yourself slowly to be able to unleash that. Another suggestion would be to do something for yourself EVERY DAY - and I'm talking about very small things, but things that YOU like. For eg you may decide that you'll listen to one of your favourite songs in the car, purchase a favourite magazine, have a manicure etc. It sounds superficial but it's steps towards making decisions and experiencing a pleasurable moment in the day. As grumpyzebra said, it would be too much to deal with everything at once - and by getting up the confidence to make tiny but positive choices you may then gradually gain a little bit of strength.
You've said 'I've lost my looks' - this is perhaps something that you could be in control of. I don't mean have some huge makeover all in one day but maybe do something small each day, or once a week to go down that track of making you feel better about your appearance. And when you walk in the door and your husband makes a derogatory remark, don't react. Remember you are making choices for yourself, don't expect a compliment, this is for you.
Is there anyway whatsoever that the arguing between you and your husband can be dealt with? Again, with you making choices? Please by all means don't take this as being preachy - I have my fair share of arguments with my husband as well, but I'm wondering if there's any small steps you can make towards that side of things, for YOUR benefit so you don't feel verbally battered by the end of the day. Your husband obviously is responsible for so much of this but I'm thinking forget about him altogether in terms of the arguing, when he starts a fight and pushes your buttons, have something ready in your head or a song to silently sing and don't react. And then when he pushes the buttons harder, because of course he will want a reaction so he'll say something to make that effect, don't react again. Lucky9, I know you would have tried this before, what I'm saying is nothing mindblowing, but I'm just trying to think of things that you can start doing to claim your life back.

Hi Lucky
I suggest pushing your GP to get you more help, especially if you find psychotherapy useful, and to get it more urgently. If she/he won't, insist on being referred to a different GP who may be more expert in mental health issues. There should also be local support groups yr GP can give you info about which could enable you to develop a network of people to help you work through this.
In terms of herbal remedies, I guess it's St John's wort you're trying? It's meant to have few if any side effects and might be a gentle way of giving you the time and space to get a little more confidence in yourself and your life, rather than rushing to deal with so much right now.
Take care of yourself

I thought the same as zebra amd molly. Do you think leaving your marriage would be the key to fixing everything? If it would be then I could see some sense in leaving now, otherwise I too would imagine it would be better to stay put and deal with the other issues first.

I was going to suggest homeopathy as an alternative. If you find a practitioner you trust (and that is important) you get a chance to talk as well (initial sessions can be 2 hours long, follow ups an hour to an hour and a half) and it sounds as if talking itself may help you.

If the anti-d's haven't helped yet, do explore other methods and I agree with zola-pola about asking your GP for more psychotherapy. I think a report out this week showed that anti-d's aren't helpful for everyone and that therapy etc can be more use for many.

Keep coming on here, it's a good place to talk.

Lucky 9, you need someone to talk to and i agree with grumpyzebra, you need to deal with one problem at a time. The counselling you have had has brought the problems of your childhood to the front of your mind as opposed to the back of your mind which is where you had put them. I think more counselling is your best bet at this stage to help you come to terms with your experiences, accept them and help you move forward. Once you've got to that place, you will be stronger to make the decision with regards to your marriage. You mentioned you're on waiting lists for psychotheraphy ... how long is the list? If long, you could contact MIND who have a local mind network, so there would hopefully be one close to where you live. They offer support to those suffering from mental health including counselling and befriending ... and I think you could certainly do with a friend right now. Check out there website www.mind.org.uk
HTH

I very much agree with Molly, you are in much responsible to create your own happyness and taking little steps towards it will require a lot of will but will pay dividends in time.
The problem of being in an abusive relationship is that it make you feel worthless but even if you leave your husband, the feeling will stay unless you take steps to deal with it yourself. It's not an easy process and it will take a lot of time and effort but the result are well worth the effort.

Lucky9, it sounds like you are in one really dark palce right now. It is really good that you have taken a step, written down how you are feeling and are asking for advice - think positive, what you have just done on mumsnet is acknowledge the state of your relationship, how your past colours your self identity and confidence, how you want the situation to change and that you need help. Sounds like, despite everything, you are a very intelligent and articulate lady who is self aware and have enough confidence to make a massive decision. You should be very proud of yourself for all of those reasons and make a massive effort to "be nice" to yourself and be impressed. It is so easy to focus on the negative - what you should have done, what you don?t feel strong enough to have done already and so on - it is important at times of crisis to give yourself a boost and remember all of those positive things about yourself as you need self support to get through this as well as support from outside. Believe that you have the power to get through this and it will feel easier.
There are many many issues here, as you know, and the advice from other mumsnetters to deal with them one at a time seems really sensible. Rather than worry about the financial issues, the mortgage, accomodation, custody, material items, the car etc. etc. I would first focus on yourself and get yourself emotionally and physically "ready" to deal with a split. Consider going back to your GP explaining that the medication doesn?t suit you and battle to find some that does. Consider joining at least two activities per week - evening classes so H can babysit. Getting out will not only give you a couple of oasis from your "prison" of the house but could help take your mind off it all, boost your confidence by meeting new people, making friends (don?t have to be best buddies, just chatting once a week is a big relief sometimes), perhaps getting fitter if it is an exercise class, of learning a new skill or habby helps boost confidence and make you feel like you are moving forward a little bit. It will also help prepare you for life on your own by "practising" meeting new people and socialising by yourself where no one knows you as part of a couple but as an individual in your own right. I know they are only two ideas, but I think it is worth working on you before dealing with all of it, if you boost yourself up first then you are bound to cope a bit easier when it comes to the crunch. Don?t see it as putting it off, see it as valuable preparation time - with a deadline of, say 3 months or whatever you know is appropriate. By viewing your time as having a definite light at the end of the tunnel it will become more bearable. Good Luck - and keep posting for support - others don?t waffle on like I do, but whether we are able to write short concise post or make a haash of it like me, we all care. xxx

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Agree with StripyMouse about giving yourself a definite timeframe of 3 months or whatever you deem appropriate. And can I also suggest, just a suggestion though, that you only keep that deadline to yourself or only choose to share it with people who are supportive (which doesn't appear to include any immediate family members or friends at this time) and who will listen to your point of view before they add their opinion - whether or not it be an opposing one.
I heard something once about abusive relationships, what was stated was that 'you don't have to stop loving your husband when you leave them'. I don't know and certainly don't presume to say that's how you feel about him, but that comment stayed with me because you sometimes hear the abusive partner making that comment as a reason why they can't feel they can leave the domestic situation.
Please keep in touch.

Luck9, i think you have just summed up my relationship there, its very odd that we stay in these situations. All i can say is leave as soon as possible, it will make you go further and further down until it is impossible for you to have the energy, and you will just give up.
I just began to think it was normal to feel like shit and be scared, i didn't realise anything else. This obviously is going to be a hard time and it will get worse before it gets better, but your whole life needs a shake up, and you are going to have to go on a long process of discovering yourself again. You will never be happy until you build up your confidence, and realise you deserve as much as everyone else. My confidence had gone too, so many things had chipped away at me, but i started to learn to change my mind set. I realised the people who are cruel are the ones who have problems, and stopped putting all the emphasis on what was wrong with me.
You need to start only being with people who make you feel good about yourself, stay away from spirit draining individuals. They will ruin you entire life.If you spend this time starting to create a new one, think of the life you could have, the wonderful people you could meet, and the hapiness you could have.
Happiness isn't just for other people, you deserve it too, just please end your relationship and lay the foundations.
If you want to email me feel free. Where do you live also, i'm sure you could meet some mumsnetters, thats how you could start the process of only spending time with people who make you feel good.

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I burst into tears when I read these messages this morning. I havent been on this board before and I didnt know what to expect. The last 4 months have been black. Im not easily surprised these days, but I am today. Youve thrown me lifelines when I really needed them the most. Thanks to all of you, for your advice, so thoughtfully expressed. I was lifted by it. It was everything I needed to hear.

My original post was sent at about 5 am this morning and I went to bed when it was half light with the birds singing. So I felt almost jetlagged today. Theres a lot of food for thought about when and how and its all going round my head so Ill post again when I think things through. But Im feeling positive today about me and my life!

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Lucky9 - just hoping you are having a good day today xxx

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Really appreciate the concern about how Im doing. Was supposed to take my son for cricket today but was cancelled because of the rain. I went to the Science/Nat History Museums with him for the day. It was fine. Im OK, not sad, but I am detached. I realize its tirednes, Im too drained. Ive been on such a rollercoaster. Doing everything in slow motion right now. My concentration will improve when ds is back at school on Tuesday. Easter has been busy. I usually prepare anything I write in Word and paste it later, otherwise Id lose everything; sometimes I cant get much alone time on the computer, my H is never far away. I got out of bed to send this because Ill be out tomorrow. Lots more thoughts about your advice/words. Lots!!. Thanks xxx

Hi Lucky
Just wondering how your week has been. Hope you're getting some time to think.
All the best.