dh's 'counsellor' has apparently called me 'abusive'. Is this really professional?

[jobchanger]

Some background:

I've had years of passive aggressive behaviour from dh. He invests nothing into our relationship really, nor contributes to 'the family' (the usual complaint of me doing all the thinking/kids' birthdays/xmas/holidays etc) though he does get on with dds okay and will ferry them to various activities. He's been spectacularly unsupportive over a few big things that mattered to me in the past which I find hard to forgive him for, tbh.

This past year I decided not to invest in the relationship either (not to be the one who organises the social occasions to which he'd happily come along for the jolly; not to be one to hire the babysitter so we could go out or book a restaurant etc etc) to see if he'd bother doing it. He didn't. So I stopped too. Prior to this, I had made it crystal clear that a relationship, in my mind, was something that both partners had to work at. It didn't just 'happen'.

Over the past 2 years, he's also thrown tantrums and shouted alot, losing his temper disproportionately at quite minor things. To his credit, he decided to eventually access a counsellor at work and went for about 6 weeks. I encouraged this. I thought it would help him resolve and understand the dynamics of relationships and how they work.

However, all it seems to have done is to legitimate his own behaviour really. In a row a few weeks ago he retaliated to something I said with 'well my counsellor has said that you'd been abusive!'. I was gobsmacked and once over the shock wondered if counsellors can/should label whatever it was I was supposed to have done as 'abusive' without knowing all the facts, all the context from both sides (I am pretty sure I haven't been 'abusive'). It seems unprofessional to me and more destructive than constructive in terms of helping our situation.

Is this sort of value judgement within a counsellor's remit when they only have half a narrative?

If DH believes you are abusive, and believes he's had affirmation on that, then surely he must be thinking about ending the marriage? I'd encourage him!

My therapist has helped me see how my ex was being abusive in the way he treated me, she's only had my account of things. I imagine that if he has given her a half account of what has happened, she may have said this. BUT this doesn't make it true!

It sounds like the emails are dodgy, are you even sure he was seeing a properly qualified therapist? He sounds like a complete waste of time. I agree with pp and get a CAB appt. your lovely Dd deserves protection from this poor excuse for a father. Explosive reactions to minor events? Grow up.

Absolutely she could have said that - all entirely based on what he has told her

Its in the "fings abusive men do- 101"- call you abusive - usually when you've been gaslighted.

Take no notice other than to encourage him to leave, like Garlic said.

My emotionally abusive then-dh (now stbxh) went to counselling as part of an ultimatum I gave him after a particularly nasty episode of abusive anger and contempt.

During one of the counselling sessions he described feeling angry towards one of the dc. The counsellor remarked 'but that's ok, everyone gets angry sometimes' failing to realise the context of the behaviour and it's deep-rooted, messed up origin. DH felt vindicated by this. He maintains to this day that the counselling was useful for him. I maintain that it was all a farce and never once scratched the surface.

OP the counselling is between him and his therapist and it is fruitless to try to assess where the therapist sees you in all this. IMO thus kind of deep seated maltreatment of a spouse takes more than six weeks to address.

Please do not waste time analysing his therapy. Instead open your eyes to your dh's abuse (which is very unlikely to stop particularly if he is using therapy to vindicate his behaviour). Make plans to protect your dc and leave.

Yes, it's probably pointless to analyse his sessions but to say that dh is and has been overly concerned about what people think about him (well, other than me, that is) and he has a HUGE victim complex. I don't think he's ever grown up really in that. In that regard, I think he would narrate a story that encourages a favourable view of himself.

You can waste large amounts of time analysing why someone treats you like shit. They can kick the can ever further down the road with anger management courses, counselling and other self-indulgent window dressing. Victim complex, 'narc', abusive... it's mostly irrelevant what you call it when the end result is the same. If you're unhappy, end the unhappiness as quickly and cleanly as possible.

The counsellor remarked 'but that's ok, everyone gets angry sometimes'

I swear 80% of counsellors need slapping round the face with cold, wet fish until they go & get some better training!

jobchanger, I left my ex a year ago. He showed EXACTLY the same behaviour as yours.

He loved going to counselling as he is an expert bullshitter. In MGC I let rip over his secret drinking, I was fucking livid, he had taken a bottle of vodka that a friend had left at my house, I had hidden it in my car as he could not be trusted with it. He drank the vodka and put water in the bottle. I found out the day I tried to return it to her. I did not feel safe confronting him at home, I was very angry at him in the session, and the counsellor said I was being 'abusive' to him. Damn straight I was Anyway, he held on to this, and every single time I breathed in or out I was accused of being abusive.

I left, and now I have a lovely life with a lovely man and everything is peachy.

XH has sent me an email recently accusing me of having BPD. Having looked it up, it fits in very very well with the behaviours he shows. It was interesting for me read about it.

He knows my posting name and one day he will probably do a vanity search and find this post a I will be glad that he reads it.

I was sad as I felt I had 'failed' at the relationship. But you can't carry on with a person who makes everything your fault. I thought I was incapable of having a normal loving relationship. I'm not. I have proven that. The powerful narrative takes a long time to shake off though.

I would say that statement is correct though "that's ok, everyone gets angry sometimes"

I would bet my last pound that it wasn't left there with the counsellor. Any fool would know that anger turned to aggression/violence is not OK. I would bet that is the bit the DH chose to ignore because it suits him.

Just don't believe a word he says about the counseling - it is one of the biggest manipulation tools ever. He shouldn't actually be discussing it with you anyway and the fact he is giving you edited snippets is very telling.

I think my stbxh's counsellor was not really up to the job of counselling for stbxh's issues (was actually a bereavement counsellor). She was apparently visibly shocked and horrified by the tales of abuse meted out to stbxh during his own childhood from his own father. She wasn't actually able to 'cope' with it (stbxh said he just sat, stunned with an open mouth, when he told her about his own childhood). She was out of her depth I'd say, even though stbxh was cherry picking what he wanted to hear from her. I do think angry abusive men need to be sent to highly skilled and experienced specialist therapists.

Lady, it's not the statement I take issue with; it's the judgement "that's okay". Inviting further information without passing judgement would have been a better way forward: what if the client's next comment was "Yeah, but I probably shouldn't have killed him"?! Good counsellors wouldn't even offer that "everyone gets angry" because it's dismissive and the session isn't about everyone.
Sorry for going off-topic. Handywoman, let's hope that meeting your STBX prompted the counsellor to up-skill - then at least he will have done some good.

So, my own personal situation aside, what accountability do counsellors have? They must have standards and codes of practice that they have to attend to. What's to stop a third rate counsellor exacerbating a situation (for whatever reason) rather than productively seeing a possible way forward? If - and I take that those posters who ve questioned it as true - but just if she HAD passed judgement on an incident without knowing the whole story, isn't that professionally irresponsible? Do counsellors just believe everything they've been told?

You're overthinking this counsellor situation, jobchanger and nothing will come of it.

Keep your eye on the real issue: your dh is an abusive idiot and you need to leave him.

They vary. Counselling isn't like plumbing, where you call a professional for a certain job and it's either fixed or not More akin to teaching, perhaps - qualifications & experience matter but some teachers are gifted, some aren't, and all teachers depend on their pupils' engagement with learning.

Counsellors help people who want to help themselves. They have a toolbox of techniques to help people help themselves. They are not magicians or mind readers.

There isn't much a counsellor can do if the patient doesn't think he has a problem or is delusional or lies. The counsellor can only go on what the patient tells him/her.

What handywoman said. Don't waste time wondering about the counsellor.

Your problem is not with the counsellor.

Jobchanger, ask your husband if you can attend a few sessions. Suss it out then. Point blank as the counsellor if she said that.

Yes we have a few regulatory bodies, BACP is probably the best known of these, there are others. Most counsellors doing EAP work will be at least registered members of BACP if not accredited members. If you have concerns about a counsellors fitness to practice or that they may have breached their ethical framework (found on BACP website) you can report them to their regulatory body.

But in this case I don't think you have remotely any grounds for this.

Like PP have said, the counsellor is not your problem. The problem is your husband.

my stbxh is the king of playing the victim, and an expert in manipulation. my guess is that your husband told his counsellor a completely different version of the truth, IF she did indeed say that you were abusive..

to be fair, the counsellor is much like a computer... it can only work with the info it has. Very much the idea of "garbage in, garbage out" IYSWIM

but yes, I would dismiss anything he tells you that the counsellor has "said". Focus on his behaviour - which is abusive. HE is the problem, not the counsellor.

Don't invest any energy on this . Invest in your future away from him.