DH and his superiority complex

[OffTheLager]

I had a thread going in Aibu where this originally stemmed from. Basic back story is that we live in a 4 bed house, my kids live with us full time and his kids USED to visit ever Saturday night but now at 19 years old, his eldest has understandably knocked this on the head and now visits once in every two months or so. Because of the old arrangement his kids occupied the biggest bedroom whilst my youngest had the smallest but as I'm buying space saving furniture for my youngest ... It's starting to seem silly to me that a big bedroom is stood empty most of the time and then is only usually occupied by one child (17) most Saturday nights. So I made a simple suggestion to dh that we consider swapping bedrooms.
As predicted he went nuts, saying I'm trying to wipe his kids out, I'm out of order, terrible selfish suggestion and he has less respect for me for even thinking about it!! . I reminded him that as 50/50 partners we should discuss issues, not just have one person making all the decisions and the other person shot down in flames every time they dare to suggest something. He reminded me that we're not 50/50 as regards the finance of the house as he has a much higher financial share in it. I was like "what the fuck?? How is that even relevant here??" And he turned THAT into an argument deciding I didn't respect his "journey" through life, didn't respect the fact that he'd worked since he was 16 and had been paying mortgages for 20 years. Ultimately, he said I should respect the fact that he "has money ". What the fuvk does that even mean??

He makes me out to be some kind of gold digger. I've never once asked for a penny of his precious money and would gladly sign anything that entitled him to shove his money quite firmly up his own arse if that's what it took.

All that because I dared make a suggestion about our living arrangements. I'm so fucking angry and hurt. I'm all for disagreeing with someone but with him everything is a huge argument. Constant egg shells and constant reminders of "I've worked hard to have what I have" - well congratulations ... Perhaps go and find someone more materialistic who cares as much about money as you do??!!!

He acts like he dislikes me and has no respect for me whatsoever.

Funny how many men claim that the ex was deluded, told lies in the divorce, is a bitch..... and then treat the new wife with exactly the same shit that the ex divorced him for*

Totally agree

He really sounds pretty grim I'm afraid - and I can't help thinking this is just the thin edge of the wedge.

I am hoping to move in with my partner in Sept 2015 but only once my kids get their own rooms - and absolute equal size with his kids rooms. I'm afraid we are pretty anal about fairness. We are moving into his house, but I have my kids full time and he has one week on, one week off. Equal christmas presents from me, equal treatment from us.

Anything less is showing your kids how they are viewed in a way that they absolutely do understand. My DDs have already asked if everyone is getting equal presents.

Thanks for the support guys. I've been thinking things over and when I really look at it, everything is a competition/argument with him.

For example I might say one night "oh really can't be arsed with work tomorrow!" As a throw away daft comment ... He'll reply with "I can't be arsed with the 40 + hours a week I do but I do it, welcome to my world, good job one of us can be bothered eh?" and it was just a silly non-meant throw away comment!!!

Same with the college - "oh no I've missed ds's open night" ... "So? I miss a lot of my kids events ..."
right ....

"Of bad day at work today ... " - "errr that's life! I have that everyday? It's called work my dear"

"I passed that assessment today! Shall we get a bottle of wine in?" .... Err yeah, shame nobody thinks to celebrate my hard work, I just get on with it, it's called a career."

This has been a trait of his for the past few months. It's like he resents the very ground I walk on. I find myself just not wanting to talk to him at all and a few if your posts revealed something new for me today to be honest ... He genuinely does not care if I'm upset or unhappy, he's not bothered so all this effort I put into trying to fix the relationship is futile because as far as he's concerned, it's not broken.

His poor ex, she put up with many years of this. She didn't work so he would have had even more of a power trip with her.

If it's futile, what's your next step? More of the same or a clean break?

I would divorce him, take half his money, keep the house and devote the newly spare room to my ribbon collection.

Give him a bigger bone to chew on the fucking twat.

Well it obviously won't last like this so I suppose it's a case of working out my next move.

You see those 2 posts, first one and almost last one...? Yes, those 2.

Re-write them in a letter, explain how his words and actions make you feel. Sit him down and talk to him, hand him the letter if he won't listen.

If he wants you he will think it through and you can work on it together. If he doesn't you will know that you must move on, his first wife had the right of him and that particular leopard has not changed his spots.

But it does sound as though, regardless of his reaction, you have started to think of exit plans. Good luck!

There are obviously undercurrents of resentment re finances here. But your suggestion that your DC has the bigger room as it isn't being used much was perfectly reasonable. It's horrible when children are favoured over step children or vice versa.

'If he wants you'

Why does the OP have to work out if he wants her? Why is it in his gift whether they try to make a go of it? The OP is entitled to say, and without consultation, that they've had more than enough of the bullying. They don't need his permission.

OP that sounds totally exhausting Can you afford to get out of the marriage?

Its a horrible day when you come the realisation that you cant fix a marriage on your own and your spouse doesnt give enough of a shit to try.

You are worth better than this, better than him.

He is determined that you are going to rip him off so I suggest you give him what he wants, another bitch ex to moan about.

Ye gods, cogito.

How the hell did you get that from my post?

I said and meant that if he actually listened she would be able to work it forward and if he didn't she would know he is still the shit his first wife left and could do as she seems to have started, and plan a viable exit route.

All of that she must wait for him to decide crap is in your reading, rather than my meaning - honest!

Or do you think she should simply up sticks and walk away without a further thought?

From the post I had thought OP was still in need of a bit more 'proof' before she could commit herself to that action - I suggested one way of getting it!

Meh! Horses for course, I suppose!

Yes - exit plan definitely required. Book that solicitor appointment - it may seem momentous, but worth knowing where you stand.

Then, if you want to give him an ultimatum about his behaviour, do so. Or you may decide simply to tell him you want to separate. And you're right, it's good thing you do have a job otherwise he would consider he had every right to bully you regarding every expenditure as well.

Sounds like you are doing great OP. It's really tough to see someone for who they really are if the reality is awful. But you sound really sensible and very clear that you're not going to put up with this totally unacceptable behaviour.

Divorce this pointless bell-end and tell him you want half of everything, including his pension. I suspect he will die a sad, lonely, bitter old man.

Christ, he's a pissy little martyr, isn't he. He sounds utterly tedious and very, very boring. How on earth do you manage to shag him ?

I agree you should give him what he is after. Another ex he can slag off to the next woman that thinks he will be different with her.

It very much sounds as if resentment is part if his personality. I'd be thinking about leaving him to find a Russian mafia heiress to resent.

AF

lager if you need time to sort out your next move you take it. Get all your ducks in a row and do what is best for you and your DC. It doesn't sound like he is going to notice you've gone off him to be honest!

I'll bet if you asked your kids if they'd like to move out to a much smaller property and share a room, they'd jump on the news.

What would you need to line up a 2 bed apt and do a moonlight flit with enough furniture and stuff to manage on? I've seen someone do this - it was the best day of her life, and her teenage kids