Paranoia and insecurity is killing me

[ProfessorPickles]

I've recently started a new relationship and it's been going really well. He's a lovely person and to be honest I'm very happy and feel he's someone I could imagine being with for a long time based on things so far but of course it's still early days.

The problems started when he went out for an engagement party and stayed in a hotel as it was too far to travel home. I have good reason to believe someone there fancies him and it's set me off making up ridiculous scenarios in my head.

I've had two serious relationships where in both I've been very happy and it's turned out they had cheated and I've only found out a year later. In both relationships they emotionally abused me after cheating and knocked my confidence to the point where in one of the relationships (along with other factors) I had depression and it was a horrendous time in my life.

The endless lies and promises and the "I would NEVER cheat on you" has left me with no trust what so ever for men. I was convinced for a long time I would never have another elation ship as I couldn't possibly risk feeling the way I did again when I was depressed as it was an absolute nightmare.

I now have a DS too which adds the pressure because if I get ill again I would find it difficult to care for him aswell as manage the rest of my life.

Basically, stupid me here met someone and decided to give it a go because I can't imagine many people want to be alone forever!
He hasn't done a thing to make me suspect he would cheat, infact he's a very caring and nice man that I really like.

I don't want my past relationships to ruin this but I can feel the nagging creeping in already, a nagging sense that I'm unattractive and that he's chasing other women behind my back. I feel absolutely ridiculous especially as it's a new relationship but the lies and abuse from past relationships are resurfacing my insecurities it would seem

I'm not sure what I am looking for from this thread other than some support I suppose! I have nobody I can tell in real life at the moment.

I really like this new man and want to give it a good go. Although I'm terrified of him cheating it may never happen and I have no reason to believe it will so I need to try be sensible and control my fears.

I'm incredibly fed up and really struggling at the moment, so frustrating.

I've pmed you professor.

There is a slightly different way to look at this.
You have no real way of knowing if he will cheat or not. So, are you independent? Do you plan on remaining independent for the foreseeable?

By independent I mean financially and socially.

The worst that can happen is he cheats. That says nothing about you. Brad Pitt cheated on Jennifer Anniston, Ashley cole cheated on cheryl.....these are just people who do it because they feel like it. Not because there is anything wrong with that person.

So, you have to believe you ARE good enough. And even if he does, it says nothing about you.

So protect yourself practically, protect yourself emotionally. Take your time.

There's no predicting the future. You can only go on the information you have right now.

And also, I'd bet you are pretty expert at spotting cheating now.....so you'll KNOW....that knowledge can be your friend too.

Sounds like you've got back into dating too soon. You're sensitised to cheating for fairly good reasons and therefore suspicious and insecure .. you think unreasonably. This isn't something that another person can fix realistically. You can tell them you're insecure and ask them to make a special effort to be above board but the risk is that you look clingy and possessive. It's going to take time to get your confidence and self assurance back and I think that's what you have to do.

Can I join because I feel like this too?
I have been seeing a lovely guy for 5 months. In that time he's had I think 3 nights out. One was last night and I have tortured myself so much today I have ignored him trying to contact me. He too has given me no reason not to trust him

Another observation OP is that you call it a recent relationship. ... weeks? months? ..... and yet you are talking about seeing it going the distance. If you are looking for sources of insecurity, expectations like that so early on can be setting youself up to fail. When you've got your heart set on a particular outcome, you've suddenly got a lot to lose.

Of course you can join, no problem at all.
I am sick of this, it doesn't help that I can barely name a man in relationship that hasn't cheated. So it backs up my feelings of doubt.

I wish sex and loving relationships were entirely separate it would make life a hell of a lot easier

My personal favourite of the lies was DS's father that cheated when I was pregnant which I had suspected for a while. I confronted him about it once DS was born and he looked me in the eye and said "I swear on ds you have nothing to worry about" which to me meant he hadn't cheated but to him meant he had cheated but I wasn't going to find out so had nothing to worry about but was wording it that way cause technically he hadn't lied in his eyes. Excuse the language, but what a cunt.

Cogit - we are talking 2 months, I didn't mean it to sound like I had serious expectations but I do mean it seems to be going very well so far and we both feel like we've known eachother a long time.
I suppose it has been a quickly moving relationship but we are both very comfortable and happy with how it's going, it doesn't feel rushed

I'm like this too. :-( But my main issue is jealousy. Every, every time I have a serious bf, I start thinking about which women I know would be a better fit for him than I am. I get really depressed about it, thinking, "he'd have more fun with her, she's more outgoing and cleverer than me," etc. Always about silly specific things, like she'd be more fun for him to talk to about films because she's seen more than I have.

I just spoiled a nice day out with my family today because I was thinking how my bf would far prefer my cousin to me.

I know it's just low self esteem, but I WISH I could stop/fix it.

I do the exact same what's going on eh, when I'm at university and a thin and attractive girl walks in I think to myself "I bet he'd fancy her so much more"

Which is ridiculous really cause why would he even bother with me if he didn't like me?

Part of me is thinking I have nothing to worry about but then this irrational part of my brain is nagging me all of the time

It's awful. I have no solution (obviously) but loads of sympathy.

When my husband and I went for marriage counciling years ago ( we are now divorced :0( ) the councillor said that whatever probs and insecurities that are on this marriage will always continue in other relationships if its not sorted out and it's not the marriage at fault it's the people and their baggage that's at fault and that goes where ever they go so yes those insecurities have to go in a box with the lid down and it's a whole new relationship so the better option is to take ur time put the worries of cheating in that box and enjoy ur new man if it all goes tits up then you have to face that at the time but don't allow ur past to ruin ur future :0) good luck xx

Listen to LadyBlah. You have to switch your thinking about cheating being a reflection on you. It just isn't. It's all about the cheater being insecure and inadequate. They need to prove themselves by 'scoring' another woman. Bit sad and pathetic really.

You might want to check out the freedom programme so that you are armed against falling into an emotionally abusive relationship. As well as reading Lundy Bancroft's book 'Why Does He Do That?' this can be a useful reminder too of what to look out for as warning signs in a new relationship

A good rule of thumb though is if your relationship is making you uncomfortable or stressed then its probably a good idea to end it.

There's no sign whatsoever of emotional abuse going on here, and it's really not time for that sodding Bancroft book to be wheeled out again, and/or to LBT.

Sometimes, it's not the bloke's fault.

I was like this with DH when we got together and it took years for me to feel more relaxed about it.

I was upfront with him and told him I fully appreciate that not all relationships last and people move on. That's fine, it's better to call it a day sooner rather than later when that's the case. I did however make clear that if ever I had doubts about us I'd end it, I'd never cheat and wanted his assurance he wouldn't either and would have the balls to end it rather than cheat because wanting different is normal but lying and cheating is the worst.

It's taken a while for me to realise he'd end it if I wasn't enough. That ending it isn't failing, cheating is worse.

Only time got me here, there's not any shortcuts.

I've just made an appointment to start CBT counselling. I'm sick of feeling like this! I've also got the brilliant Dr David Burns' "Feeling Good" book and handbook so I can work through that.

But really, maybe just keeping really busy will help? Really busy and engaged in something you (and I!) love that makes us feel better about ourselves.

I agree, if there's a reason to feel insecure just finish the relationship. But I know very well that it's possible to feel jealous for NO reason. It's low self-esteem. How does someone build that back up?

I sometimes feel it'd be a relief to be single, with nobody around who has the power to take my happiness away. I don't want to be single! But I don't want to be plagued by my own terrors either.

It's stupid. I married the love of my life at 31. He moved out when I was 39, and left me with two little kids. And I was FINE. I coped. It was very very very hard but I held it together and I coped. So really, I should be fearless now. I lived through the worst that could've happened. I don't know what I'm scared of now. I KNOW I can cope. So why am I so desperate to cling on to a man??

I think I'm a mess inside. It's all so complicated inside my head.

LadyBlaBlah is so right.

I could be like you, my DH works away a lot with work. However, he's never given cause for me to doubt him and I know he loves me, but more importantly I choose to trust him (and him me). Any infidelity is a reflection of the cheat not the person being cheated on. If my DH were to ever cheat on me, it would mean that he were a shit of a man, nothing more.

Oh also, it's no wonder you feel the way you do, you've been cheated on by the father of your children. One doesn't come out of something like that without a few battle scars, but you owe it to yourself to work on your trust issues so that you can be happy in a good relationship. Good luck.

Fearless is the word! Seriously what can he do to you that can hurt you anymore? You've already survived, you know you can do it.

And to add one more cliche in here - if you love yourself, know yourself and respect yourself - noone can really hurt you. It says everything about them if they chose to betray you.

(However, I am not so naive to think that the human desire for connection and love is something you can just turn off. It is just that if someone doesn't love you back, it doesn't mean you are unloveable. Maybe they just don't know how to love)

What'sGongOnEh OP said both former bf/partners became emotionally abusive after she found out they had cheated. That's why I recommended finding out more about ea to the OP, so that she can identify and destroy avoid in future and have more confidence about handling any shit relationship difficulties that come her way.

I have no advice, OP. I just wanted to say I recognise everything you have said.

I am currently handling it by deciding to stay single. I have been asked out and been tempted to say, "yes", but then I remember how bad it makes me feel and don't bother.

I've been cheated on on both of my LTRs and believe my only subsequent bf did too.

I know I could cope if someone cheated on me, but I also know I never want to feel like that again. So why bother when being cheated on feels like an inevitable 'when' not 'if'?

And it's not even that I have 'trust issues'. I did trust all 3 of my adult relationship partners. Didn't stop them, though.

And given how many married men have hit on me recently, the whole thing feels like a complete farce.

I apologise for not replying to all messages for a while, I'm just not sure what to say.
There is no solution to this, I think I will just have to do a runner at the first signs of trouble.
The only problem is is I'm struggling to tell between what could be a genuine red flag and red flags I'm imagining because of my insecurities.

I also was decided to remain single to solve my issues as I do feel extremely unattractive in relationships and have trust issues but unfortunately after a year of being single I think I forgot about the problems that could be caused from my past relationships.

I also have had many experiences of married or men with girlfriends trying it on with me or friends, it just adds to the insecurities

I wish this would go away, I know I can be completely faithful in a relationship but I can't stand the lies and cheating that seems to be everywhere I look

OK, this might not work just now - MN goes through phases, and currently seems about to recover from a phase of dipstick idiots answering relationship threads - but you could try posting each of your anxieties on your thread for 'peer review'. This board really helps me sort out my values.

Also have a read of this: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

And this: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk/lwdonline/lwd/i02.htm

:)