Happily married but I want desperately to be alone.

[LiDLrichardsPistachioSack]

DH and I have been together 4 years, married 2.5. We have a 14mo DD. We are in our thirties.

DH is a stand-up guy. Brilliant and loving and hilarious. He does loads around the house, shitwork etc. and co-parents our DD beautifully. We have a laugh and good conversation and get on quite well. I am very lucky I realise.

So why the fuck do I constantly think about leaving? I fantasize about having my own place (sharing care of DD obv). Being single and having my own space again.
I secretly look forward to him going away on work trips, am inwardly relieved when he decamps to the spare bedroom, and often find myself simply seething with irritation with him and have intense desires to run far away. I can't quite put my finger on why these feelings are so intense however:

-Our usually excellent sex life has gone down the tube since having dd. Tough birth, stitches, PIV still uncomfortable for me 14 months on, don't have much desire either as I'm still bfing. I have seen a gynae who said things will improve after I wean. We are still intimate but it's once a month/fortnight atm which isn't great. He's expressed his frustration with this but has never pressured me.

-He sometimes speaks to me like he's my dad teaching me a lesson. It's usually about domestic stuff and he's usually right, but it feels patronising as I do a lot and am generally pretty on top of things--reminders are fine but I don't need a lecture!

-if I show even the slightest hint of irritation at something he absolutely cannot stand it. I never lose my temper at him directly--it's more of a "FFS this stupid thing isnt working" and it's very minor. I'm not going around throwing tantrums. He'll get really upset and tell me to stop being so "aggressive". There have been too many instances where he's snapped at me for getting angry when I haven't even been angry!

So not major things, really. If you've read this far I'm sorry, this is probably really dull. I guess I'm just asking if it's normal to hate your husband even if you love them? Surely it isn't? Maybe I'm just not cut out for relationships and would be happier on my own and wondering if anyone else can relate or maybe has some insight.

I think there is some incompatibility here. You like to be independent and he likes the whole doing everything as a family thing.

I get that, because I'm just like you. I am single and although sometimes I miss the companionship and support, I love doing whatever I want whenever I want - obviously there are limitations as I have a young ds but that's different. I hate having to answer to anyone, or having to inform them of my daily actions. I hate it even when friends start getting clingy and demanding. I found my last ex (who I lived with) really suffocating, even though for some people it might have seemed fine. I remember one time he asked me why I'd been in the bathroom for so long and I snapped. Another time I got invited to go to a party by a close friend of mine, he got the hump because I didn't invite him. But I dislike doing everything as a couple, sometimes I just want to spend time with people as an individual.

Anyway, as time as gone on, the more I'm used to being on my own and independent. I don't think I could ever give it up for any man now!

Sorry - not sure that's particularly helpful!

Meant to say...you can't change the way you are or change the things that make you happy. You both need to acknowledge each other's differences and see if there is a way you can compromise.

trackrBird very astute post.

I feel the same as you do cakedup. I find it harder now as my youngest was meant to go into childcare this year so I could go to Uni. I was told in no uncertain terms that it wasn't happening.

Now I feel stuck and isolated again. I can't wait to start work again in January just so that I can commute by myself. Although my DH is already saying he will give me a lift there and back every shift (night shifts, so means taking the kids out past bedtime and waking them early to come get me). It's frustrating to say the least.

cakedup I feel exactly like you! Interesting.

'he will give me a lift there and back every shift (night shifts, so means taking the kids out past bedtime and waking them early to come get me)'

What?? that would definitely drive me insane and is not good for the kids! What is he thinking??

i have to say that I also need time alone, and I mean NEED it - I think the big changes have been ds needing me less 24/7, and dh getting more comfortable that me riding the range like Clint Eastwood (i.e. going to the library solo for a lovely browse) doesn't mean I am fed up with the relationship.

The happiest day of my life was not the day ds was born or the day I got married but the Saturday the week after I left my first husband, when I got to do exactly what I wanted for the whole day. He hated being alone and couldn't imagine what I could want to do apart from him. That day was like being reborn.

Desire, that sounds very controlling.

Desire I know you are not the OP but I found your statement chilling your DH sounds too controlling. Please re-read what you wrote and think about whether that if a healthy environment for you or your DC?

This is making my head spin a bit - I'm like both of you!

When I'm in a relationship, I do expect and offer a constant flow of information - I'm going to the library this afternoon, I met Joe for lunch, I really fancy a sofa I saw today - OK, will you be long? How's he liking his new job? Really, you want to change the sofa? If all this stuff doesn't happen, I feel like I'm in a flat share rather than a relationship. Come to think of it, all my flat-shares were like this anyway!

BUT I am selfish and need a hell of a lot of 'space'. Now I've been totally single for many years, I've no intention of ever getting hooked up again. I can imagine a partner I'd be happy with, but there really can't be too many of him in this world and I'm not about to waste my 'me' time hunting for one.

I also picked up on the elements trackr has mentioned. I fear you may simply be looking at incompatible relationship styles. But I think you should probably park this until your baby's a bit older. Small DC want all of you, all the time - it's hard to know your own thoughts sometimes, never mind the complexity of your feelings. If it's really eating you up, though, perhaps it is something you need to explore in depth.

Desire, I'm concerned for you too.

I have found being married claustrophobic at times and certainly hardest when the children were tiny, I really disliked my husband for quite long time periods. Time has moved on though, and I feel much happier in myself and have some time apart from him (hobbies, work) and now am very happy to be married. I think these things can ebb and flow and certainly being a mum of small children seemed to use up all my energy and my husband became just another person asking something of me (even if it was a nice thing). It is very different with older children though and I'm very glad I didn't follow my impulse to run away!

it seems like every move I make needs to be explained or discussed and it feels bloody suffocating!

I thought you were being ridiculous until I read the line above, at which point I squeaked aloud in horror.

My DH would not be my DH for long if he expected me to explain or to discuss everything. Or even most things.

I announce an awful lot of decisions to him and he does the same to me. There are two main reasons for this:

1. Life's too short to discuss every little thing.

1. We both respect each other's minds, authority and general decision making ability. We do not need to police each other.

If he lectures you and requires explanations of your every move, that sounds like he doesn't see you as an equal partner. Perhaps more like an idiot child. Or a silly little woman.

Lack of respect is a damn good reason to be unhappy.

OP, Your hub actually sounds controlling but in a subtle, quite insidious way which i suspect could be even worse than being with a full on, blatant control freak. The not being able to get angry would do most peoples box in.

There is a possibility that this is all down to the various stresses involved in dealing with a small child and the daily demands of life.

Is your husband horrible and controlling? You should know or at least have some strong insights on this. Please do not allow the posts on here to lead you to permanently undermining your relationship when perhaps a little time, patience, and space are all that is needed.

You said that you have not yet figured out why you feel this way. Until you do, you should hold off taking what may well be ill-considered steps.

So much depends on degree, doesn't it. Is there something in H's past which makes him terrified of anger/irritation and, if so, how interested is he on working towards freedom of expression? How does he express his negative feelings? How much life commentary does he require, in what detail, and is he as forthcoming as he asks you to be? Will he 'punish' you for flying without him?

I feel like I might be looking at a line of red flags fluttering in the breeze, or then again it could just be a couple straining under the pressures of parenthood.

I am inclined to think the problem may be that this man is controlling.He's allowed to express anger and frustration but you are not; you have to account for your time; you are not allowed to travel without him... It sounds quite a bit as though he considers you a 'woman' ie an object/pet which belongs to him and must be trained to know its place.

I should add that I used to have feelings similar to the ones you described. Before my DS came along all was well and for the first year or so after his birth. Then suddenly I started feeling like you described. I simply could not undetstand it. One day I suddenly figured it out. I knew it had to be something playing havoc with my hormones. Turns out my body could no longer put up with the birth control pill. I had no problems before but clearly something had changed. I stopped taking it and within a week or so I began to feel normal again.

desire Your h should not be dictating whether you study or not, or forcing you to be driven to and from work if you want to commute alone. He sounds very very controlling and is treating you like his prisoner. Please come back and discuss more or start your own thread on the relationships board.

I think you sound incompatible and having a young child is compounding it. Your DH does sound needy and I can see why it would do your head in.

We are all different and there is no right or wrong way to be. I am like you OP, I really need my own space, both literal and headspace. Fortunately I married someone the same, if not more so. We are therefore an incredibly un couply couple, I spend a lot of time pursing my own interests (often with a friend or child, now they are older). This works for us, but I am sure it appalls some people.

My sister & her DH & family are joined at the hip & do everything together - my sis has always been needy & it seems she found a perfect march. I suspect she judges my marriage as it does not seem very close from the outside, but actually DH & I love the bones of each other.

I think that rather than a spiral of blame for the way you/your DH behaves, you need an adult conversation acknowledging your differences without judging.

And get on that place & visit your mum!

I think your husband has made a very big mistake with his needy and controlling behaviour. There are few things sadder than a guy who acts all butthurt when we doesnt get his way!

Keen to know how you are doing now, 10 years on. I find myself in this exact position you described

Educate yourself on Coercive Control and then educate your husband if you are still with him.