Building Intimacy

[Welshlou1]

Hi all,

My partner and I have decided to work on our sex life. She has lost her libido, but really wants to get it back and wants to improve our sex life.

I know we need to start slowly, but I would appreciate some tips on how to go about it from anyone who has done this successfully? What has worked for you etc...

Cheers.

I'm always a bit suspicious of these sort of threads, tbh, perhaps unfairly. I just find it a it creepy when men especially try to get women you don't know to share sex stories on a parenting website (ok, it's not just parenting, but you know what I mean).

But that aside, and in the spirit of genuine helpfulness, would you consider going to sex therapy? I believe they often use a technique called 'sensate focus', which I'm sure you could usefully google. Good luck, and I hope you don't take my post as slapping you down.

Thanks BOFster.

I can assure you this is a quest for genuine advice. The reason I chose this forum, is because the others seem to be too sexually focused. I'm not looking for sex stories, but advice on building more intimacy into our relationship. My partner and I are both on the same page with this and we both want to get closer, if that makes sense.

We discussed seeing a therapist today, but decided to see how it goes on our own first. This is why I was looking for advice. However, I take your point - maybe I should look to the professionals, rather than for info from a forum.

Thanks for the post anyway.

It's difficult to know what the solution is without knowing the cause of your DP's low libido.

Is she on ADs? Do you do your fair share domestically/financially? Is your relationship otherwise good, or does she carry resentment about anything? Are you a considerate sexual partner? Do you have young children? Does she have body image issues? There are many many reasons for a low libido, these are just a few. The solution depends on the cause.

I've always found that majority of sexual problems arise due to the man not spending enough effort on the woman's needs. So perhaps try that with no strings attached, and see how you go.

Ie give her some pleasurewithout expecting reciprocation, it is usually what is missing.

Resentment is a killer.

Yes we do have young children and our relationship is otherwise great. I not sure what the cause of her low libido is, but from the posts thus far, I feel we might need to see a professional, rather than go it alone.

The main thing for me is ensuring my partner is comfortable with things, so it might be better to see a therapist to make sure we are tackling the issue from the right angles.

Linerunner - abso-bloody-lutely. I suspect the majority of libido issues arise from simmering resentment over something. Even having young DCs is often a bit of a red herring, resentment is more likely to build when children are young and life is a slog.

How did you build intimacy when you first met? My suggestion is to wind the clock back a bit, work out what first attracted you to each other and try to recreate the same conditions. Early days most people want to spend lots of time together, are very tactile, communicate frequently, 'only have eyes for each other', share private jokes, have silly names for each other and so on. Reminiscing is a good springboard for intimacy all by itself. If there are things in the way of you being able to reconnect, find ways to get around them. If you're not spending time together because other things are taking priority, change the priorities.

What birth control do you use ? Some are renowned for killing libido.

DP & lost our way a bit in this department in the first year or so of DC. Lots of other stressors as well.

Hand holding & snogging worked for us as a start. With No pressure to go any further. For me that was really key

Good luck!

When we went through this, the key was in building our daily emotional connection.

I see sex as an expression of love and connection, my DH sees sex as the way to connect. For me, the emotional connection is essential though.

In our case, it was about feeling loved and cherished rather than feeling like it was an attempt to start fucking again IYSWIM.

It's the little things that count. The cups of tea without being prompted, the commenting on the telly that such and such reminds him of me and that's what he loves about me, the acknowledgement I get from him when he can see I've not had a good day and runs a bath for me and brings up a hot choc, the little things that cost nothing but demonstrate you're always in the thoughts of your partner and cherished by them.

I strongly suspect that in other relationships, the little ongoing things like this go missing and that sex then goes too.

I could leave plain old fucking, if I wasn't in a relationship the physical act doesn't bother me so I'd not want one night stands. Sex itself is not important to me unless we are getting enough love and, as we are and are connected.

My husband and I saw a therapist last year and she advised us the following:
Every night - allow each other 30mins alone/ wind down/ email time.
Dinner is eaten at a table and no TV.
Talk to one another and listen (not necessarily about issues those will come).
If you or her drink alcohol - cut back or abstain. The focus is on one another.

Remove the stressors - if she's exhausted from kids, on weekends take them off her. Let her have some personal time to be herself and not just a mother.

It was really hard to begin with but really helped us.

Good luck.