Massive argument with husband

[mum19801985]

I have never posted on here before and don't know where to start. My hubby and I had a massive argument last night. In the afternoon I was very tired and tried to nap on the sofa. OH said "Don't even think about trying to sleep", we were watching a film with our DS so didn't see a problem with this. I got up and played with DS and cleaned. Later in the day I found OH sleeping on the sofa. I was angry with him and bashed into him while reaching for the phone. Sarcastically I said "sorry". OH was furious, stormed into the kitchen and clipped me on the arm. This wasn't very hard, more of a tap but I was in shock and furious that he had laid his hands on me. He later denied this saying he instead hit the hood of my jacket. We had a huge argument then and he called me a liar, stupid bitch and a c@£t. Thoughts please.

You don't sound like you like each other very much. Is this a typical exchange? Are 'massive arguments' normal?

So you barged into him to wake him up because you were pissed off. He tapped you on the arm because he was cross. You were both physical with each other.

He told you tgat you couldn't nap. He called you a range of derogatory names.

What's the relationship usually like?

Name calling is horrible and uncalled for as is bashing into him reaching for the remote control and non-sincere "sorry".
Sounds like both of you were tired and unpleasant today. Hope later on or tomorrow is better.

Are you OK OP?

This sounds pretty awful, but I'm with the others in wanting to know more about the relationship in general. Is this fight typical/common, or was it an anomaly?

Thanks for all your replies, I don't really know where to turn right now, I tried ringing relate this morning but it's £55 for an hours session! OH and I can be volatile together, we are both sleep deprived and clash over the little things. He says I am firery and have a temper. The name calling is never ok though (from him), he says I give as much as I get and resort to name calling back.

Is this normal between the two of you?

Why were you not allowed to sleep in the first instance?

Have you tried talking about how tired you both are? Coming up with a compromise somehow? (Both having time for naps/ time for yourself).

Are you normally both at home in the day? Tempers can fray I think if you spend all day every day together. Counselling sounds like a good idea. He was wrong to tell you not to nap I think, does he feel like he does more child care?

This is not a regular occurrence however, we have been getting on well the last few weeks/months. We are under some strain as OH is off work with depression and a bad back. He says he feels unsupported by me and that I can be cold towards him.

When I see words like 'fiery' and 'volatile' my heart sinks, I'm afraid. They tend to be used to excuse aggressive and unpleasant behaviour which other people would regard as abusive or violent. Being sleep deprived can lead to frayed tempers but what you're describing goes way beyond acceptable.

Are both of you sleep deprived? Why?

What are the good aspects of your relationship?

Ahh, well depression is a pretty horrendous thing and can really put a strain on a relationship. What kind of treatment is he receiving, and do you see any change/improvement now that he's off work?

As he is off work right now he is doing the majority of the childcare, I am working right now, the roles have reversed and he is technically a SAHD.

OH is on antidepressants and is receiving help

There are good aspects to our relationship too, he is a wonderful 100% hands on Dad, we make each other laugh too.

You're going to have to talk to each other when you're both calm and well-rested. There are clearly stresses on everyone, no-one is entitled to special treatment and you both have to work as a team. This is the kind of situation that requires everyone to pull together.

How could yesterday have gone better?.... that's the starting point. If anyone's tired or depressed and needs more sleep.... how are you as a team going to manage that? (Suggest you go to bed rather than one person crashing on the sofa incidentally) Now that he's home all day, how are the chores going to be divided? Being sworn at is totally unacceptable so how are you going to speak more kindly to each other?

Or are you saying that you're frightened of him and simply want out?

If he is so unwell with depression he has been signed off work, how is he in a fit state to do all of the childcare? What sort of childcare arrangements did you have when he was working? Can you use them a bit?

Thanks for your advice CogitOIOIOI. I am not frightened of him however I am reaching a point where I cannot live with the arguments and the name calling anymore. When he calls me a name I feel like any love I have for him erodes away :-(

No-one should have to live with arguments and name-calling full stop. People who hurl verbal abuse and pick fights are not displaying loving behaviour. They are not worthy of love. The fact that he has depression and a back injury doesn't change that.

This is not normal, name calling and aggression - just not healthy and again, not normal!

What a horrible example to set your children.

Sorry I realise that wasn't helpful but sometimes you need a shock response to make you realise the situation you are in has to change.

I'd honestly have a break from each other and work on why you both react this way?