Is it ok to say "I don't want to fall in love with you/anyone" ?

[redundantandbitter]

..Or am I sounding mean and selfish?

After a shitty stupid time with ex I gave been single (happily) for Neath a year . Started OND and met bloke on POF.

Been seeing each other since Aug. He's about to be divorced. Long marriage . Grown up kids. Seperated over a year. All fairly amicable.

I like him. I'm find of him. But he's not 'the one' and that's what I like . I don't want 'the one'. I don't want the feeling /pain of falling in love and all that. I can't be doing with feeling that vulnerable and exposed.

So I'm with a man who is kind, loyal, generous, interesting, loves doing lots of diverse things, fairly compatible in bed... He likes me. But recently he's started telling me he's got 'massive' feelings for me. (Mostly when he's had a pint or two). And I freeze... I've flattened and diverted these texts/conversations and I feel mean. I would be pretty hacked off if my previous feelings and emotions were ignored.

Last night he (over the phone) told me he loved me. And I can't say it back. To him or anyone. So he's fed up now as I'm not reciprocating.

Am I being a cow? He knows my history (it's not big and not clever) and I'm sure I says right at the start that I wasn't looking for a big love affair. What do I do now? I'd like to just pootle along merrily like we were ...

I have found that some men use the 'L' word quite easily. I wouldn't worry about it too much. You could say you're ready to say it or you could say you want to take things slowly on that front. I don't particularly think it shows incompatibility. He's not pushing you to get married or have babies or anything like that?

Not ready to say it, I meant

Oh yes, we're looking forward to Xmas... I have lovely things for him... I know he has for me too...we've been shopping and eating our way round the Xmas markets...I just don't love him. Someone up thread made me feel terrible as I know he's not 'the one' but I don't WANT 'the one'. I'm happy with him..,not just 'making do'. I have no issues with being on my own. But I'm not up for declaring love and longevity. I think he needs to slow down and enjoy the moments.

Marriage/babies. God no. He's 49 - has a vasectomy. I'm 44 with 2 small dds. No no no. Both being bashed around in relationships and looking for some tender kindness

I think you need to establish whether he said it because he's enthusiastic, but you're still both on the same page as regards the relationship not being serious. Or whether his feelings and the goalposts have changed.

I don't think there is such a thing as "the one". Someone that you are happy with is pretty much as good as it gets.

It's funny reading your posts, because on the one had you say this is just a short term thing because you are allergic to lurve. But then you describe the loving attention that the 2 of you have for each other, and the way you are looking forward to future events like Christmas and doing nice things for each other... That sounds a lot like love to me.

Not seeking to scare you. But what you have sounds healthy and great.

I've experienced 'the one' and it was truly car crash stuff. So I fully intend to keep a lid on my feelings. I can't emotionally afford to go there again

I think you need to be honest with him and tell him how you feel. It wouldn't be fair to string him along. If he is as nice as you say he deserves to find someone that reciprocates his feelings.

I've experienced 'the one' and it was truly car crash stuff. So I fully intend to keep a lid on my feelings.

It sounds like you are confusing "drama and intensity" and "love".
Love can perfectly well be love without drama, intensity, car crashes, and "the one". Love can (and should!) be about kindness and caring and sharing and accepting the whole person.

So I agree you should put a lid on any desire for car crashes and dramatic intensity. But that doesn't mean putting a lid on love.

I don't believe in 'the one' either. My mantra is as long as we are both enjoying it, let's keep doing it. I do find some men aren't particularly comfortable with this though...there's not enough 'commitment'

The more you say, the more convinced I am that this L word is a total red herring

Being In Love with someone doesn't have to mean marriage, babies, financial entwining, doing everything together, living together.

Me and my bf do none of the above but love each other very much - ie. care, nurture, respect, value.

You could just say to him: Slow down or you are going to put me off. I enjoy what we have now, and I like things the way they are. If you want more, we are going to have to reconsider.

We do care and respect and understand each other's lives and commitments etc. We are patient and loyal etc etc. But I'm
Not head over heels. He's just very nice company and quite a good snog actually . He doesn't lift my heart .. And I don't ache to see him... But we do have lovely times together. And I supported him when he injured himself. He's being lovely with me now I'm ill. But I don't love him and I don't want that word bandied about.

fantastic - I'd feel a bit bossy saying that though, no?

Love is not a dirty word

I love my dog, my friends, my job, my hot water bottle, Nurse Jackie (the programme not her, to be clear)

I go back to the fact you are treating each other with love, so it's not surprising he has said he loves you. That you won't talk about that word ever ever ever is confusing it with other things.

Why bossy? Surely that is just honest. Do you have a problem with plain speaking if you think the recipient may not like what you are going to say?
I was so used to the eggshell avoidance that I censored myself out of being honest with my XH to avoid the sulks and woundedness that resulted.
When I got together with DP I decided to change and go for broke so from day One I hit him with my most honest views. To my amazement he just smiled and took it on board without a fuss. This is what nice normal people do apparently! you could try it as a test. See how your BF responds.

Glad you have found a goodun by the way, I remember your thread about the yogi.

Thank you K. I am pretty straight forward. I (now) don't stand for being f'ed around as I have nothing to lose. So that's a great feeling. But my approach seems to encourage him. Maybe he does think I can be turned around on the love front. He likes a challenge. And we are both a bit bloody minded

To me that doesn't sound a bossy thing to say. But it does sound straightforward and to the point, and it covers everything.