Do I matter

[Paddleslowly]

Two months ago I had a mental health crisis and ended up in hospital. I have suffered with my mental Heath for years but this time I couldn't cope anymore. This is very hard for me as it is something I have buried away for many many years. I was sexually assaulted and forced against my will to have sex with a person in a position of authority who was putting pressure on me. I was a vulnerable young teenager at the time and feel ashamed that I didn't stop him.
I reported it to the police had a video taped interview and have heard nothing since. Am I not worth getting back to I feel horrible and like a vulnerable little girl again. It plays on my mind, I woke up sweating from a nightmare last night that I was trying to push him off of me. I suffer with ptsd but I'm trying to be strong and put it to the back of my mind but feel that the police don't give a shit and I should just go away. Feel like a fool

Of course you matter and I'm sorry you had such a horrible experience. I'm also sorry that you've been left with no information. Rather than waiting for someone to get back to you, however, do take the initiative. Police have a lot to do, sometimes their priorities change and, if you want to find out what's going on, you have to make a bit of a nuisance of yourself. Did you get a contact number for the interviewing officer? Can you give them a call?

Oh love. You are so brave to have reported it. And it's precisely because you matter that you can phone the police station now and ask what the status of your deposition is, and ask them to tell you when you can expect to hear back from them. You are entitled to ask such questions, and to get an answer.

It took a lot for me to say what has happened. I'm not a person to ring as I feel I'm being a nuisance. I had a very abusive childhood and was taken into care for my own safety. Brought up in a household where you kept your mouth shut about goings on or face the consequences of a beating. Time and time again after severe beatings I would be placed back at home because I was to frightened to speak up. It became a mindset to accept the abuse as normal way of life. I was also raped whilst in care tried to tell foster parent but was dismissed as being silly.

You are not being a nuisance. Not by any stretch. You have a valid question, and they hold the answer. It is not being a nuisance to ring and ask.

I really understand how ringing goes against your conditioning. But you have taken the first and biggest step towards getting rid of that conditioning by making a deposition. You next step can be to ring, and ask when you can expect to hear back from them. I understand what you're fighting against, but it's by taking these kinds of steps that you will overcome that conditioning.

If you're not feeling up to it, that's ok too. But it's NOT because you don't matter: it's because you've been taught by others to think you don't matter. They were wrong.

If you lack confidence, could someone else call them on your behalf? Have you got any support that you can turn to? Legal? Social worker? Friends? As a PP said, you've already taken the most courageous step which is to report it. But that's just the first part of what is probably going to be a difficult process. There are going to be challenges and getting feedback from the investigating officer is - I hate to say it - not going to be the biggest one.

So if you're not the assertive type, please treat this as an opportunity to correct that - either personally or sending someone else in to bat on your behalf. Don't give up

I know the police are very busy and have lots to do. But the investigating officer badgered me into doing the video interview and told me that it would be shown to the person on interview, kind of threw me a bit. Don't have any legal support as haven't done this before. Have told a friend what had happened but she was cross with me and didn't understand why I kept it buried for so long. I do feel like I'm being ignored

You need people on your side. Someone suggested napac for incest survivors on another thread, and there is Rape Crisis too.
napac.org.uk/
www.rapecrisis.org.uk/
See your gp, tell him/her, ask for counselling.

You do matter. You matter because you exist. That's the truth. You're here, part of the universe, you matter.

I have tried many times to ring rape crisis but there are very busy. I think that the police are not taking this seriously. It haunts me the things he did to me. Shaped my view of men who find it fine to abuse me and I just take it. She said he would be spoken to about it. I'm scared to call the investigating officer

keep trying. you are in this world and you are entitled to seek help until you find it.

Please keep trying to ring the rape crisis line. You do matter and you are a very strong willed person to go to the authorities and report this bastard that violated you in the worst possible way.

The next time you wake up terrified by what happened to you ring the Samaritans, they are there to listen and wont judge.

Also, do follow up with the investigator for answers. They are busy, but will take the time to tell you where the case stands, BECASUE YOU ARE IMPORTANT.

Why specifically are you scared to call the investigating officer? Do you think they'll get angry with you?