"I am totally separate to the kids" - can anyone explain this.

[greenberet]

My stbxh claims this - i do not get it - i see that i will always be involved with the kids in some way. Since moving out 4 months ago he totally blanks me, ignores emails unless to do with contact details for that day - delays responding to financial stuff for as long as he can, will not look at me during mediation until mediator tells him to, doesn't get that his behaviour is rude & frustrating, doesn't tell kids anything so I am the one bearing "bad" news. I am the innocent party in all this but can get past my anger & hurt to being able to communicate at an adult level for the sake of the kids. He is the one involved with OW but somehow everything is feeling my fault. I am more and more thinking that he has a narcisstic personality disorder - everything to do with the kids is hunky dory and business as usual despite major disruption on the horizon that they are not aware of yet. Is this his way of justifying why he chooses not to communicate with me rather than admit that it is a personality flaw

If he is narcissistic, then, imho, you are very lucky that he chooses to not engage with you. Sorry, that probably isn't what you want to hear.

You're giving him way too much headspace.
And if you're paying for mediation, I'd not want to waste time paying a mediator to tell him to look at me - he can stare at his feet for all I'd care, as long as he was reaching practical agreements.
Tbh, it's impossible to say what that phrase means out of context, and the rest of your post is about other stuff.

One thing is certain - he sounds like an arse. So who cares what he says or means by it? Not your problem now.

Good luck with the divorce!

Yes he is a prick by the sounds of things. Accept it, expect it and forget he exists as much as you can.

He is never going to see your point of view because he is a prick. He just isn't capable of being an adult. Sad for your kids but the best you can do for them is get on with your life.

Not saying it is easy of course.

Actually I think keeping things totally seperate can sometimes be the best thing. The ideal would be to have two parents who can cooperate and be kind and considerate to each other, but if that's not possible then no contact can be a really good thing

Once the finances are settled then only communicating about contact is fine, there is no actual need for more than that and once the children are old enough to sort contact out themselves things get easier still

It's not a personality flaw. He doesn't want to face the music in the circumstances so he's gone for distance - and in a very 'all or nothing' way by the sound of it. Not necessarily a bad strategy but he doesn't have to be a PITA about it into the bargain. He could be a grown-up and cooperate. Agree with others saying that the no contact thing will prove to be a blessing in time.