Should I tell him?

[MissKittyFantastico]

I'm just back from DDs parents evening.

How old is your daughter?

I'm with one of the other posters who says you're kidding yourself to think it won't affect your daughter(s) in the long term. My father has always been like this and rather than developing more of a relationship as I've got older. I've simply grown up to think he's a selfish, moody bum.

My mother divorced him when I was little.

DD is 10.

I haven't told DH and I may not. I am going to speak to DD tomorrow and see if she will open up a bit more. She may well have just been pissed off with DH on that particular day. I will see what she says.

Teasing children is vile. Teasing children is controlling and says a lot about Dh. Immature and selfish behaviour. How are his social skills as they sound limited. If a child says he's make an he probably is. Worrying.

Mean

Yeah I'm projecting
Or I recognise in your posts the type of father he is and have some knowledge about the impact of living with a parent like that on children?
Read back over your posts as if someone else had written them. Do you really think any of that is ok?

Hardly "just" that she was pissed off with him for "that day" given he is such a controlling twat he needs his behaviour managed by his mummy wife.

Not all relationships can be great OP, I understand that. To me great is high benchmark that there simple aren't enough perfect people around to generate.

However, there should be a benchmark for poor parenting. Teasing and being noted as mean could be that? He is her father and he is the strongest male relationship in her life. How he treats her can have ramifications for her for her whole life. You need to speak to him and get him to up his game, significantly.

Show him. He needs to know. Having grown up with a father like him I can tell you now that I have no respect for him what-so-ever as an adult and have no real relationship with him. He needs to know that this is where it's leading if he sulks and is a PA bastard to her.

Your poor daughter. She deserves better than this. She deserves to live with people who love and adore her, nourish her and cherish her. People who she can trust. People who respect her.

If her own father isn't doing that, he has no place in the family home. She will suffer repercussions. She didn't just write that lightly. She knew the teacher would see it.

Wake up and realise what you are living with.

Ok, so what do you all suggest?

I was hoping for some advice. But I also hoped that some MNers may see where I am coming from. He did ask about parents evening, was very pleased with what I told him, had tears in his eyes when I told him that her teacher said DD was "One of the most mature girls in the class, her social skills are top notch and the kindness and caring she shows for her friends is quite remarkable" He told DD that he was very proud of her and he wasn't at all surprised by what the teacher said.

We had a nice tea, DD did her homework, we all put up decorations then DD was playing on her tablet. DH was reading a book and I was MNing.

If I had told him then it would have spoilt what he said to DD before. He would have been hurt and reacted angrily rather than get upset. Some people do that - go on the defensive. He would have probably made a nasty or PA remark to DD, I'd have stuck up for her and he would have been pissed off even more. Then he would have gone up to bed and most likely sulked for the next couple of days.

And that's my dilemma. I don't disagree that he really should know. But I am loathe to start of a sequence of events that will cause bad feeling all round, and may end up with DD blaming herself, no matter what I might say to her.

I will talk to DD though and see if she will open up to me, which I wasn't going to do before this thread.

Sit down with and tell him how his behaviour is impacting his daughter. If he is just moody and not abusive, then work out a strategy to improve his relationship with his children. One on one time. Family time. I'm sure there are people who are better qualified than me to advise.

Is it that he doesn't know how to interact with girls?
If it is just that he is a mean parent, than you have some decisions to make.

Talk to your daughter, take what she says seriously. The worst bit for me was that my Mum and I spoke at length about this issue and she would nod and smile, then just pretend I said nothing. I needed her help in making a relationship with my Dad, and that was not happening. (I don't have a good relationship with her either these days, and she still nods and smiles and ignores everything).

Talk to your husband, make it clear that this is unacceptable, it is affecting your children's lives and they are going to give up on him if they continue to feel like they can't do anything right, because they probably do feel like that if he gets moody with them so often, and he will lose them. He needs to take an interest, he needs to stop his negative behaviours around them and spend some quality time with them. He also needs to realise that if he's sarky and PA with his kids, they're going to give it right back and it's his own bloody fault, leading by example.

Much easier said than done of course.

Thank you wheeler and pixie, that sort of advice is exactly what I hoped for. It makes sense and seems very clear when you aren't living it Its very helpful and I appreciate it.

I don't think this is something you discuss too much with DD, I think this is for the adults to resolve. Your DH's relationship with DD needs attention but do remember that children can be very black and white about things. I remember whenever DS got told off at school his immediate reaction was 'the teacher doesn't like me'.

So even if he goes on the defensive short-term, I think it's important for him to know that he is coming across as 'mean' (however you want to define it) and get him to think about why she'd sum him up that one-dimensional way.

To me it sounds as though they need to do something together so that they can get to know each other better. An activity or a hobby, perhaps. Something where they have to interact one-on-one in a cooperative way, without you being on hand, giving and showing appreciation as appropriate.

It's not just a one off or a bad day that made her write that. You can tell because as soon as you saw it you knew EXACTLY what she meant and why she had written it.

Your H seems to have got you very well trained with his sulks, PA comments and 'defensiveness' never to bring up anything he doesn't want to hear. And you're BOTH training your daughters to take the same shit from men when they grow up.

I probably wouldn't tell him about this specific incident but I would try and talk to him calmly and as positively as possible about his affect on the family as a whole.
My Mum " manged" my Dad to make him bearable until she couldn't any more and life became pretty unbearable.
Also, I find it interesting that your DD is 10. It was about that age that I began to realise what my father was actually like and I started to hate him for his grumpy behaviour and the way he put a downer on everything. I lose count of the events he ruined with his attitude and eventually I ended up nc with him and didn't even go to his funeral.
It is still possible to save the relationship your DD has with her father but you won't if you do nothing.

OP, I'm sorry if you feel got at. Nobody is blaming you for this, but read your posts again. The fact that you have to manage his behaviour does none of you any good, he's a grown up and needs to put his big boy pants on and manage his own behaviour.

The fact that you're worried about him being grumpy about this says it all. What kind of man would get grumpy with a child over being called out on their behaviour. I'll say it again, he sounds like a petulant child. It's not your fault, but you know eventually you'll lose the battle to manage him effectively. Your children are already starting to see past this pattern of behaviour.

Tell him, give him the opportunity to alter his behaviour. If he responds like a child tell him that's exactly why your DD wrote what she did. You don't have do it in a confrontational way. Tell him what was written, tell him that you're concerned for his relationship with DD and ask him to make an effort to change things now while there's time to rebuild things.

Cogito, elder DD once spent two days telling me she hated me and I was ruining her life because I wouldn't let her take a 2 ltr bottle of cider to a party - she was 12 . Hormones are wonderful things.

I think an activity or hobby together would be a good thing. It is easier in the summer as DH is more active and willing to do things (he likes being outside), they are quite similar that way. I will make a few suggestions.

I spoke briefly to DD this morning and she said "Did I? Oh, I don't quite remember" so I haven't pushed it.

I will speak to DH. He does need to be a better father (and husband) it's like living with Victor Meldrew at times and has definitely effected our relationship with him. We all avoid him and leave him out of things, just because he'd probably spoil them. He can be lovely, but he's not consistent and the sulking is probably the worst part. The fact that I didn't want to bring this up is testament to how he is, and it saddens me.

I think your allowing the bar to be set incredably both for both of you.

My dp would be heartbroken if this is what dd had wrote about him. I'm a SAHM while dp works long hours but when he is here their relationship is great.

You absolutely need to talk to him. If he goes off in a huff it just shows what an idiot he is. Why should you manage him. I bet your children are 'managing' him also just like you did with your own dad.

Do you want your dd to get with a husband she has to 'manage'? Because she thinks that how men are and you allow it. I can tell you most don't need managing.

12 year old wanting to take a 2ltr bottle of cider. op that's not hormones that's massive boundary issues. Who the hell is she hanging round with !

The hormones part was the 'I hate you, you're ruining my life'
The party was at a school friends, and there was no way she was taking alcohol. One kid did turn up with 4 WKDs though, that were swiftly taken off her

Your actions are like when someone is being bullied and they give in to the bully rather than stand up to them. You lie by an in admission by not telling him what his daughter feels and it is the managing of him which is making your relationship and his as a father, a lie.

OP - just my two'pennorth.

I thought it very sad that you felt you couldn't raise the issue with him because of how he would react - angry, passive aggressive, sulking for days etc. Your responses were very telling - your starting position was: what should I do then, given raising it in the way you are suggesting will result in him behaving badly? It's like you were looking for strategies to minimise the likelihood of him behaving badly, rather than addressing the core issue - why does he think it appropriate to behave so badly?

I think lots of posters are picking up that part of your posts: the feeling that you need to "manage" him so that flashpoints/awkwardness/unpleasantness are avoided. That sort of behaviour and approach quickly becomes normative in family situations and I think what other posters are saying is that it models a potentially very damaging relationship model for young girls who are starting to see and understand how adult men and women relate to each other.

Sweetheart., you're tip toeing round the issue because you don't want to start a chain of events. However, you don't control the mood in the house, he does.

Take control back, make a call on any sign of assholeness. Let the girls see you stand up to him, instead of continuing to placate him.